The Lies We Tell Ourselves
by Asher2121
Summary: Ana and Christian have been separated for a number of years and their marriage was rocky long before that. Ana lied (by omission) and Christian allowed the lie to let himself off the hook. Years later they run into each other and nothing seems to have changed. Will they confront the reality of their situation or stick their heads back in the sand?
1. Shared Fault

So...this is my first FF. I've been contemplating writing one for over a year but there was always something that stopped me. Today courage stuck so I want to publish before I lose my nerve.

Please review and comment, whenever I read stories I'm hesitant to review but even a few words would be appreciated. I would love your thoughts, both good and bad, but please make them constructive. The first chapter is supposed to be a bit ambiguous but that will get cleared up in time. Thanks for reading!

**The Fifty Shades Trilogy and the characters from there belong to E.L. James.**

**Chapter 1 – Shared Fault**

I know I should have told him, I've always known that. There was never a second, not a moment, during all this when I thought that the path I had chosen was the right one. There were a thousand reasons that telling him was the right thing to do and only one reason not to tell him…fear. In the end though I couldn't over come that fear. I tried telling him in every way imaginable, so many times that it became ridiculous. I typed his number into my phone without hitting send, composed text messages that got deleted instead of sent, and wrote letters and cards that were never mailed. Hell, I even showed up at his office one day only to run like a woman possessed when his new PA, Claire, said those dreaded words, "Mr. Grey will see you now."

The ironic thing about all this** not** telling was that it only served to make him ever more present in my life. I thought about him constantly and the guilt was overwhelming. It wasn't just that Christian didn't know, although thinking about that was enough to make me double over with the weigh of it, it was that no one did. Not Grace or Carrick, Elliot, Mia, or Kate, even my mother didn't know. My mom and I never really had a solid relationship and I couldn't take the judgment and condemnation I knew would come if I told her. I had enough of that on my own. The only person that did know was my father and he hated what I was doing. Actually, hate is a ridiculous understatement of what he felt but as he has been since the day I met him, Ray has been supportive and loving.

So I made my choice and moved forward. All the while trying to convince myself that I had done the only thing I could do. I couldn't stay in Seattle so I moved to a new city. Ray decided that he needed a fresh start too and came with us. I did all the things normal people do, I got a job and found an apartment in a cute neighborhood close to work. I tried to date, to meet new people and be a normal 28 year old. I told myself that I had done it, successfully moved on. Then one day, exactly 932 days since I had last seen or spoken to Christian Grey, the universe decided it had had enough of my lies and cowardice and put an abrupt end to it.

**XX**

I've always known. Ana doesn't know that I know of course. She thinks that I think she went through with it but I knew she didn't. She never would. Never could. Even for me.

I'm not sure who's more at fault, her for never telling me, or me for not telling her that I know. I do know one thing for sure, the fact that I let her go this long thinking that she's kept it from me, feeling all that guilt and doubt about what she was doing only proves this, she was right to keep it from me. She was right to never tell me or get me involved. Fuck, what kind of person does that? What kind of man does that?

I don't know how I convinced myself that I would go there and not run into her. Charleston is basically a small town masquerading as a city. I could have sent Ros or Will, I should have sent them. I told myself that I needed to go, that the company I was buying, GreenSpaces, was making some huge advances in green building and that before I signed on the dotted line I need to see the facilities for myself. I knew she was there, I have spoken to Ray once a week since the day she accepted the job there. We never talk about it, Ray and I, but he knows that I know and when I call he somehow tells me that they're ok without actually telling me anything.

Unlike Ray, my parents don't know and they are never going to forgive any of us when they find out. They didn't raise me to be a coward, to shirk my responsibly and run away but that's exactly what I've done. It's what I kept doing until I couldn't do it anymore. I'd like to be able to say that I made the choice, that I had chose to man-up and do the right thing, that's not even close to what happened. I couldn't pretend I didn't know anymore because she was standing there in front of me, they both were, and I didn't even have the wherewithal to act surprised. I just stood there.


	2. Shared Panic

First, I want to express my thanks to everyone who has read, reviewed, or followed this story. I never expected such a great response and it's been amazing to check my email and see all of your responses. I can't tell you how much I appreciate it

Since the first chapter was so short I wanted to update pretty quickly. I can't say that I'll always be this fast with an update but in the beginning I'm going to update every few days. I'm hoping that this give both me, and my story, some momentum.

I kindly ask you to remember, as your read through this chapter, that Christian tends to jump to conclusions where Ana is concerned. He immediately goes to anger or jealously and he's not always right in his assumptions. Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 2 - Shared Panic**

I just stood there. I didn't move or speak, didn't try to look away, and even if I had wanted to (and a huge part of me really did), I couldn't run. I was completely and utterly frozen.

It's a strange thing when your mind has two completely contradictory reactions to the same situation. I don't know if it has ever happened to me before, at least not in this way. As I stood there staring at Christian Grey and I simultaneously wanted to throw myself into his arms and run away screaming. I guess that explains why I couldn't move; my body had absolutely no idea what my mind really wanted it to do. So instead of doing something, anything, I started to wonder whether Christian was really standing there or if he was some sort of mirage. Then I remembered that it's only April and Charleston's not that hot, yet.

It had started out as the perfect day. I was able to sleep until my body naturally woke up and I can count on one hand the number of times that has happened to me in the last two years and two days. My day got even better when I remembered that it was Saturday and I didn't have to make breakfast or go to work.

Our tradition, every Saturday from April through October was to walk to the Famers Market in Marion Square and get breakfast. We would walk through the park, stopping at out favorite vendors to get fresh squeezed juices and homemade biscuits with jam. It was my favorite part of the week, no stress and no schedule. I loved these Saturdays, but no matter how much I loved the tradition it has always been bitter sweet. Seeing all those other families playing in the park, fathers playing with kids while mothers scurry from vendor to vendor-collecting vegetables and homemade pastas for dinner. I want that for us and he deserves it, even if I don't. Somewhere deep down I know it's my fault that we don't have it.

We had an easy, quiet morning and then packed up and took the short walk to the Marion Square. We grabbed juices and biscuits from out favorite vendor and then, as per tradition, I ran across the street to get us coffee while Isaac found us seats near the fountain. It was a perfect April day as I crossed King Street to head into Starbucks.

As I reached the door I realized I hadn't panned this well. I struggled to open it, with everything I had in my hands, and just in as I was about to grab the handle someone graciously opened up it from the inside. Relieved, I looked up to thank today's Good Samaritan and my entire life changed in that one instant. It was supposed to be a peaceful, quiet Saturday but in the end, this Saturday turned out to be the farthest thing peaceful and quiet imaginable.

**XX**

I'm not sure how long I stood there holding the door but it felt like hours. In reality it probably wasn't more then a couple of seconds. I had seen a woman struggling to open the door but I didn't realize it was Ana until I had the door all the way open. Subconsciously I must have known it was Ana; she looked exactly the same. The same hair, same body, even the clothes she had on were clothes she had when we were together. She looked as if time had stood still for her and it was a complete mind fuck because I know the same cannot be said for me.

The last few years hadn't been kind to me. I can't remember the last time I'd slept more then a few hours a night. My nightmares were different now but they came back with a vengeance after Ana left for good. The dreams are now so terrifying that I play piano for hours before even trying to go to bed. I play and play until I'm so tired I can barely make it up the stairs to bed. Even exhausted, I barely sleep and every night I wake-up after only a few hours screaming for Ana, and for him.

In the end he's what brings me out of my trance, probably the only thing that could have. My eyes move from Ana to the little man in her arms. There's no more denying his existence because in Ana's arms there is a mini version of me. I have never seen a picture of myself at his age but I can imagine that if I did, this is exactly what I'd look like. He's even dressed like I am in little dark washed jeans and white button up. He's wiggling and squirming as Ana and I stare at each other all the while repeating,

"Mama, I get down. Mama, I get down."

He must have broken Ana's trance as well because all of a sudden her eyes leave mine, widen, and go directly to my son. I can see that she's beginning to panic. Her eyes being rapidly shifting back and forth between the big and little versions of me and her breathing picks up to unhealthy levels. In my head I'm screaming for her not to panic that it'll be ok. All I want to do is comfort her. I need to help her in some way, to make it better for her but before I can get my shit together enough to say anything a man steps up from behind Ana.

He softly puts his hand on her upper arm, rubbing soothingly and I can see it begins to help. Her breathing calms and her eyes slowing begin to focus solely on me. In that moment the tables turn so fast I don't even realize it's happening. All of a sudden it's me that starts to panic. I immediately want to scream at this man to get his fucking hands off my family but it seems my new found status and a frozen mute is still in full effect because all I manage to do is fucking growl.

Somehow, my growl seems to set off a light bulb in this fucker's head because he immediately picks up where Ana left off. He's now the one looking back and forth between my son and I. The difference is, he manages what Ana and I cannot and he pulls his shit together. He steps closer to Ana, all the while still rubbing reassuringly up and down her upper arm, and in one smooth motion gently pulls my son from her arms.

"Let me take this little guy Ana, that way you can go into Starbucks unhindered by the little man and his ever present need for a cake-pop."

With that he snuggles my son onto his side and takes Ana's reusable shopping bags from her saying,

"Alright buddy blow mama kisses".

The little guy immediately takes he chubby hand and kisses it, waving it toward Ana and squealing with happiness. Ana still looks dumbstruck as she leans in and robotically kisses our son on the cheek. As Mr. _Familysteelingasshole_ turns and begins to walk away he quietly says to Ana,

"Take as much time and you need Ana. We'll see you at home and we need a nap anyway, don't we buddy."

He gives her hand a gentle squeeze and then turns and walks away.

The whole scene takes less then three minutes and I'm shocked at how, in such a short amount of time, I can get such a clear picture of a relationship. Things seemed so easy and comfortable between Ana and this fucker she replaced me with. And it's that thought that causes me to immediately get sick to my stomach because it **was** easy and comfortable between them. They have probably done these simple family things a thousand times before. In that moment I hate myself more then I ever have because all that I can think is, "What the fuck have I let happen"?

**XX**

I watch Isaac walk down Meeting Street with Noah for as long as I can. I need to pull myself together and deal with Christian but that's not what I want to do. I want to yell for them to come back, to beg Isaac to stay with me. I want to cry and tell him that I'm not ready to do this. I want to deny who Christian is to me, and to Noah, but there is no denying it. Not anymore.

I guess all parents think that their children look like them. I think the reality is that a lot of the times other people don't see the resemblance. People agree when the parents ask, they smile and nod but I bet most of the time they can't see the resemblance at all.

This is not the case with Noah. He's 100% Christian; grey eyes, copper hair, unnaturally smart, and amazingly opinionated. Most of all, he wants what he wants when he wants it and there is very little room for negotiation. I tell myself that that fun bit of his personality is because he has just turned two but I know that being two probably has very little to do with it. The only slight difference between father and son is that Noah's copper hair has my dark lowlights. It's the only proof at all that I had anything to do with his conception. Isaac took one look at Noah and Christian side by side and knew they were father and son. I could see the recognition in his eyes.

As I watch Isaac and Noah move out of sight I take one last shaky, cleansing breath before turning around to face my fate. I hadn't let myself think about this moment much over the years. I repeatedly told myself that it would never happen and that there was no point in worrying about something that would never come to be. I convinced myself that Christian believed me when he came to the hospital that day. It really had been a close call. There was bleeding and cramping which is what got me to the hospital in the first place. Thankfully, Grace and Carrick were on holiday in Europe and the OB on-call for the ER didn't know who I was.

I never told Christian that I had an abortion. I never said the words and I didn't say that I had lost the baby either. What I said was. "We were never meant to raise this child together Christian. We could never have been a family. We can't even stand to be in the same room with one another. This was the best thing that could have happened for us. Now we can both move on".

To this day I'm not sure what lie I was trying to tell him. Whether it was that we had lost the baby, or that I had ended the pregnancy. It really didn't matter. Christian didn't want this child. The same way he didn't want the one we had lost after the kidnapping incident with Hyde, all those year ago. I told myself that the only viable solution to this was for me to give all of us a way out. I reminded myself that if I knew one thing for sure it was that forcing anything on Christian, when he didn't want it, only ended in heartbreak.

Turning around to face him now I wonder, maybe for the first time, if I was right to assume that he didn't want his family. He's watching Isaac and Noah disappear just as I had a second ago. His body is complete stiff, every muscle in him ridged. He's trying so hard to control himself that his body is actually shaking and his nails are white from the force of his fists. But it's his face that makes me question every decision I have made for the last two years and 10 months. As he watches another man take his son away he is so clearly broken and there are tears running down his cheeks. I don't know how he knows about Noah but I'm sure now that he does and the only thing I can think is.

"What have I done"?


	3. Shared Blame

Thank you all again for your response to this story. I know some of you have been all asking for the backstory and I promise we will get there. All your questions will be answered, just not yet. Thanks for reading!

**The Fifty Shades Trilogy and all its characters belong to E.L. James.**

**Chapter 3 – Shared Blame**

Jesus Christ. What the fuck made me think this trip was a good idea? Oh yeah I know what it was, I couldn't take four more years of the Boss acting like a spoiled 3-year-old on a sugar high that hasn't had a nap all day. So I convinced myself that I was trying to help, that I wanted him to be happy and God help me I **am** trying to help and I **do **want him to be happy but Jesus, thinking like this makes me feel like a woman.

I've been spending too much damn time with Gail watching that godforsaken Network that pays housewives to act bat shit crazy in different cities around the country. I'm the fucking Billionaire Matchmaker. My god, the fact that I can even make that joke makes me embarrassed for myself. Shit, as soon as we get back to Seattle Sawyer and I are spending an entire fucking day at the shooting range and then we're doing a backcountry camping weekend. Who the fuck have I turned into?

I knew the Boss was looking for an excuse to come here; he'd been looking at companies in Charleston for months. He talked incessantly about how they were building a strong technology base here. Repeating ridiculous phrases that PR companies make up like "Silicon Valley of the South" or some shit. I don't know. I stopped listening to him try to justify this trip a long time ago. He should have been honest and said something like,

"Taylor, I've been a miserable asshole for the last few years. My kid just turned 2 and I feel like shit because I missed another birthday. Basically, I need to go to Charleston and get my family back".

If he'd said that we could have dealt with this like men, talked about it, and formulated a plan. That's **not **what happened; he didn't say that. Instead he went on and on justifying this trip. He made-up all sorts of reasons for coming here but what the hell, we've all been lying about it for years. Why should this shit be any different?

Once he found a viable company to buy and I knew for sure he was coming to Charleston, I started to put a plan together. There was no fucking way he was going to go all the way there and just hang around hoping to bump into her. Not going to happen. Not on my watch. They were going to run into each other, I was going to make damn sure of it. I don't even want to think about what would happen if Gail found out we came within 500 miles of Ana and I didn't force the issue. I would be headed for divorce, again.

My first order of business was to go through every one of the reports I have on Ana and Noah. The Boss pretends he doesn't know about the reports, or the surveillance, but let's get serious. Who the fuck does he think he's paying in Charleston? We don't have a Close Protection Officer on Ana or Noah but there is a surveillance guy, Peterson, who keeps tabs on them.

I get a weekly report telling what they did and where they went, ensuring they are still safe. I read the Executive Summary when the report arrives each Friday but there's no reason to read the full report unless something went wrong. Coming to Charleston changed that. I needed to know Ana's every move, so I had to read every page.

After going through the reports, the plan basically built itself. Ana goes to the Farmers Market every Saturday morning and around 11 am she goes into the Starbucks across the street from the Market to grab coffee. That Starbucks happens to be in the lobby of a very nice hotel so all I needed to do was to get the Boss into that Starbucks by 11 am on a Saturday and the rest would take care of itself, or so I hoped.

I told Gail about the trip and asked her to mention (a few dozen times) that everyone from Conde Nast to the New York Times has been voting Charleston one of the best places to visit in America and it worked. Of course it worked. The Boss wanted a reason to extend his trip, he just needed an excuse and Gail gave him one.

We arrived in Charleston late last night and got up for the normal run at 6 am. Between the jetlag, the Boss never sleeping, and the run it took zero convincing for me to get him into Starbucks by 10:55am. The plan was working perfectly up until 3 minutes ago.

We were headed to the door as Ana was headed in; the Boss even opened the door for her. I couldn't have planned it any better. The thing I didn't account for is their complete and utter inability to function around one another. Things were going fine at first, except that they were standing in the doorway of a very busy Starbucks starring at each other. But then Ana's maybe boyfriend (Peterson couldn't be sure one way or the other) comes up and takes Noah from Ana it all goes to shit.

**XX**

I thought I said it to myself, I really did, but when I hear myself whisper, "What have I done" at the same time I hear Christian mumble something I'm brought back to my senses. I suddenly realize we're standing in the doorway and we probably need to move. The problem is Christian is still staring at the spot where he last saw Noah and I'm not sure how to get myself to speak.

Finally I manage his name, "Christian" but as I hear it come out of my mouth I don't recognize the sound of my own voice. I sound like I did the day of the interview all those years ago, simultaneously in awe, shocked, and intimidated. I clear my throat and wait but nothing happens. He doesn't show any sign that he heard me at all.

"Christian" I say again, this time with a bit more volume and confidence behind it. Sill nothing.

I want to reach up and wipe the tears off his cheeks but that feels to intimate. I can't bring myself to do it, even if I desperately want to. So I do something else and I know I shouldn't have done it. My head was screaming to think about this, to not do it, especially with him in such an obviously distraught state but I couldn't stop myself. So I say his name again, this time speaking very softy in the same voice I use when I need to calm Noah down.

"Christian, this is not…" I begin again, and then I do the thing I should never have done. I reach out and gently place my hand on his chest.

As soon as my hand touches him I realize just how big a mistake it was. My touch snaps Christian out of his trance, his eyes return to mine, and I see a hundred emotions pass through his face; fear, anger, betrayal, lust and even love. But as quickly as I see them they're gone and all that's left is pain and fear. I shouldn't have touched him; I haven't touched him in years.

Even before we separated he wasn't letting me touch him. As our relationship deteriorated his fear of touch had returned. His haphephobia seemed to be directly related our connection and as we lost it, he lost the ability to let me touch him. It was one of the most painful things to happen at the end of our marriage. The last time he let me touch him was the night Noah was conceived. I hadn't touched him for months before that.

Christian's eye leave mine and go do where my hand rests on his chest. This seems to snap something else in him and he jumps backward, flinching away from my touch. His eyes then go immediately back to the street where he last saw Noah. It only takes those two seconds where my hand was on his chest and all the old feelings come rushing back, the ones that I had spent so long convincing myself that I didn't have any more.

I knew better then to really believe they were gone. Even at the end, when we couldn't go five minutes a without a fight, the feelings never went away neither the love nor the lust. It's why it took us so long to end things, we never stopped loving and wanting each other. The problem was that we just didn't like the people we had become and we couldn't stop resenting each other for it.

It's then Christian finally speaks, "That's my son Anastasia" It's a both a question and a statement and I almost don't hear it. His voice is gruff and quiet, filled will so much pain.

He's looking at me again, waiting for an answer. "Christian, let's not…" but he doesn't let me finish.

"That's my fucking son Anastasia!" He's screaming now, still shaking, and tears are still streaming down his cheeks.

I don't know what to do. I'm starting to panic again. We can't do this here. We're in public and it has gone deathly quiet around us. People are staring and starting to whisper. Charleston is a long way from Seattle and Christian isn't as well known here, but people aren't staring because he's Christian Grey, they're staring because he's making a scene. We both are.

Just as I'm about to have a full-blown panic attack, for the second time today, I see Taylor step behind Christian and then I notice Sawyer is standing to my right. I don't know where they came from, or if they've been watching this whole scene play out, and I don't care. I want to throw my arms around both of them in relief and gratitude. Taylor steps between Christian and I, turning to face Christian, and whispers something to him. I can't hear their exchange but when it's over Taylor turns around and steps back behind Christian. He smiles at me as he moves past and gently squeezes my shoulder in reassurance.

I'd always assumed if I ever saw Taylor again he'd be angry at me for leaving Christian, for leaving him to deal with Christian, and for walking away without keeping in touch with him or Gail. His support, at the moment I needed it most, bring so much clarity and heartbreak. It hits me what a mess we have made of things, how much I've hurt Christian and Noah by keeping them apart, how much I miss Grace, Gail, Kate, Mia, and everyone from my old life. In his loving gesture I appreciate how much I've underestimated everyone and I see all damage I've caused.

I need to pull it together and we need to not do this here. I take a deep breath, quickly wiping away my tears, and look at Christian to find him doing the same thing. He steps closer to me again and reaches his hand out to take mine, then pauses and thinks better of it. He turns to the side and, ever the gentleman, gestures for me to go first.

The stubborn part of me hates this; Christian making decisions for me without a discussion or compromise. It was one of the big reasons our marriage stopped working and part of me wants to stop and assert my independence. The 24-year-old version of me would have had an argument over it. However, a few years and a child have taught me to pick my battles. There are more important things to deal with at the moment. With that in mind, I step forward and follow Taylor through Starbucks and into the hotel lobby.

As I do, it hits me that we are about to have one of the most important conversations of my entire life and I have no idea what I'm going to say.

**XX**

Fuck, I don't know what happened. I heard myself mumble, "What the fuck did I let happen" at the same time that Ana said something and then I lost it. Full on, completely, lost it. If Taylor hadn't stepped in when he did he would probably be calling Flynn right now.

This is what I thought I wanted. If someone had told me when Ana and I met that one day I would let her, and my child, go I would have told them they were fucking nuts. It was never something I thought I'd be able to do; I've always been an extremely selfish man. But at the end things were so bad between Ana and I that I would have done anything to make her happy and that happiness wasn't found with me anymore.

So I let Ana and my baby go. I accepted what she said about the pregnancy and never forced another discussion about it. I wanted my child happy and I didn't want to fuck him up the way my mother fucked up me. I didn't want to ruin his life like I had ruined Ana's. I wanted better for them then me. They deserve to be free, without a father or husband that needed control over everything every second of the day.

I saw what it did to Ana. The more things fell apart, the more control I needed and she simply couldn't take it anymore. She rebelled against it and I reacted the only way I knew how, by taking more control. I didn't want that life for either of them. But seeing **my** son happily leave in the arms of another man, I wasn't prepared for how much that would hurt. I couldn't take it, all the pain, and when Ana touched me and I snapped. It was the first time anyone had touched me since the night our child was conceived.

I was screaming at Ana, swearing, and making a public scene. I was doing everything I was ever taught not to do and I couldn't help myself. My parents would be mortified. My grandfather would have taken me to task talking about respect and honor and upholding the family name. You don't do that to anyone but especially not the woman you love, the mother of your child. Just add it to colossal the list of things I've done that will mortify my family.

I don't notice Taylor at first but all of a sudden he's in my face. As always, he was brusque and concise whispering,

"You've been waiting over 2 years to do this, do you really want to ruin it before you even get your chance? You can't do this in the middle of a fucking Starbucks. Get it together and go upstairs."

I should have fired his ass for speaking to me like that but I can't seem to find a legitimate reason to fire him when he's right.

As Taylor steps forward to head into the hotel lobby I automatically reach for Ana's hand. I want to offer her some measure of comfort, some way to apologizing for the horrendous way I've just treated her but then I think better of it. It's not my place to comfort her anymore so I step to the side and signal for her to go first.

As I see her walk ahead of me, I realize just how important this conversation is we are about to have and I realize I have no idea what I'm going to say.


	4. Shared Revelations

Thank you so much for the continued support, it means so much. Here's the first part of the big conversation, I really hope it doesn't disappoint. I am quite nervous that I got the tone right so any comments or thoughts you have on it would be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 4 – Shared Revelations**

I have no idea how to begin this conversation. Why didn't I think more about how I would do this one day? It's not as if Noah would stay hidden forever. I'm beginning to stress out. I need something to distract myself, I can't take the pressure, so standing in the elevator on the way to what I assume is Christian's suite, I start thinking about how much I used to love elevator rides with him. There was always so much tension in the air. I don't think I ever remember an elevator ride with him that didn't end up with some sort of ridiculously embarrassing PDA by the end of it. There's tension here too but it's not the thick, crackling, explosive, fun kind of tension it's the scary, sick to your stomach, sweating kind. The kind that has you making up scenarios in your head to get out of doing the thing your about to do. By the time the elevator stops and we get to the room I'm so nervous I almost can't walk.

Taylor and Sawyer leave us once Christian and I are safely inside the room and I want to ask them to take me with them, I want to beg them to. Christian goes directly to the bar cart in the living area and pours two drinks. Bourbon I think. He hands me one and takes the other for himself, draining it and refilling before I even get mine to my lips. It's 11 in the morning and I probably shouldn't drink this but I can't do this stone sober so I drain mine as well, though not nearly as elegantly as Christian. There's coughing and grimacing involved. Christian's pacing now, and I'm not sure which one of us is going to start this conversation. He's going back and forth along the long row of windows. There's a beautiful view of the bridge, and of downtown, and under other circumstances I would have been happy to be in this room. It's stunning, with elegant antique furniture and beautiful floor to ceiling windows.

Finally Christian stops pacing, walks directly over to me and sets his drink on the bar. He runs his finger roughly through his hair and if he's collecting his thought and then finally begins to speak. His voice is quiet but there's strain and stress underneath it like he's doing all he can to keep himself together. I feel like I might need to have Flynn on speed dial.

"You never answered my question downstairs Anastasia" He's looking directly at me now and I know that the next few minutes will be critical to how all this goes. So I take deep breath and begin. I'm biting my lip, I try to stop myself because I know he hates it but I can't help it. I'm too nervous not to.

"Yes Christian, he's your son". My voice is shaky at first but now that I've gotten the words out I keep going sounding stronger with each word. It's dawning on me as I say it aloud. "You knew didn't you? I could see it in your eyes when you saw us. You were shocked that we were there, stunned to have us standing in front of you, but you weren't shocked to see Noah"

As soon as I say the words aloud, I see how naive I've been. This is Christian Grey we're talking about. This man got my bank account information and complete history, medical and otherwise, within the first week of us meeting. What on earth made me think he would just let me go without keeping tabs on me? I wanted to think that with the divorce papers signed he just let go but that sounds so stupid now. Of course he didn't just let go.

I think he's trying to say something but I'm on a roll now so I don't let him, I just keep going. "There's someone here isn't there? Someone that follows us or watches to make sure everything is ok. I thought it felt like I was being watched a few times but I blew it off as paranoia. I thought that I was so used to having someone follow me, after years with Sawyer, that I was imaging it". My voice is raised now, I'm not yelling but I'm close to it.

"Answer me Christian" I say after waiting for a response and getting nothing.

Christian hates being ordered around, ironic considering how much ordering around he does. I know my tone of voice won't win me any favors but I can't help it, I'm irrationally angry all of a sudden. He knew and he never came.

When he finally speaks his voice is firm but I can hear the annoyance in it.

"Yes there is someone I think. We'll have to ask Taylor to be sure. He gets all the information. I never see it."

He stops then, as if that's all he's going to say but I'm not having it. "That's not all Christian, I want to hear all of it".

"After we signed the divorce papers and you were still in Seattle I put one of the new guys on you. You'd have noticed Sawyer but Keller blended in. He was just surveillance, just so I could be sure that you were OK. Then, when I found out you were moving here Keller came too. I needed him to make sure that the move went OK. After a month Taylor ask me what he should do about your protection detail and I just told him to take care of it. Keller came back and we never spoke about it again. There's someone on the payroll here so I assume that's the surveillance guy."

The reality of it hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I have to sit down; my legs are shaking and they refuse to hold me up anymore. I suddenly have a million questions. What does this mean? Has he's known the entire time then? I stumble my way to the couch, I think I might be sick and I need to sit down and put my head between my legs. I was right; he didn't want this child. He's known, maybe all along, and he's never tried to see him, never even wondered what he was like or how he was.

I realize I'm crying now and I don't even know when it started. Not the beautiful kind where tears are coming but you still have it together no, full on ugly crying. I'm gasping for air and I can't get my thoughts together. All of a sudden I just want to run. I need to get the hell out of here, to hold my son and feel like all is right in the word again. The only thing going through my head right now is "he's known". Over and over again, like a dancing gif in my brain. I need air, I can't take anymore and so I do the only thing I can in that moment. I run.

I don't get far before Christian is on me, grabbing me and putting his arms around me. Restraining me with each of his arms on one of mine. He's saying things but I can't hear them I'm to busy punching his chest and I'm screaming now too. Screaming at him to get the fuck away from me, shouting that I hate him and that I regret the day I met him. I'm saying hurtful ugly things that under any other circumstance I would feel terrible about but right now they feel cathartic. His doesn't let me go, he just keeps letting me scream and fight and after a while I can't do it anymore. Exhausted, I stop fighting him and I stop ranting. He's holding me now, not restraining me and one of his hands is on the back of my head holding me to his chest. I'm only saying one thing, repeating it on a loop softly. "You knew and you never came".

**XX**

I had no idea what I was going to say during this conversation but I did know one thing, I needed to hear her say the words. I don't know why but I did. I know he's mine and even if I hadn't known, one look at him would have told me. Not to mention the fact that Ana would never have moved on that fast. We've done a lot of horrible shit to each other but neither one of us would have ever done that. She wouldn't sleep with me the day we signed our divorce papers and then sleep with someone else the next day or the next week. That's just not Ana.

So I asked her to answer my earlier question and she says yes, he's mine, but then she keeps going. She's asking about surveillance and if I already knew about my son and all of a sudden everything was out of control. I hear his name for the first time and I'm trying to focus but all I can think is that I finally know his name. Noah. Noah. Noah. It means rest or peace and I can't help but think that those are two of the things I need most in my life. All wrapped up in one little person.

I finally snap out of my own thoughts to see that Ana is shaking and crying and then, like a flash, she's running for the door. I just act I can't let her leave, not when we have so much more to talk about. So I grabbed her and she begins to scream and cry and hit me. I just hold her until she gets it all out. She needs to do this. She needed to tell me that she hates me and wishes she had never met me. I fucked up and this is my penance, the least I can do is hold her while she gets it all out. As I hold her, I softly apologies over and over again telling her that I wish I had done things differently, that I'm so sorry for hurting her, for hurting both of them. In the end she calms and is softly crying in my arms while repeating,

"You knew and you never came". Every time she says it, it rips my heart out a little bit more.

Slowly, very slowly I begin to walk Ana and I over to the couch and sit both of us down. She's tucked into my side, crying into my shirt, all the while still repeating her new mantra. I need to fix this but I need her to listen and so I pry her away from my side and hold her head in my hands.

"Ana, I need you to listen to me so that I can explain this. Do you think you can do that"? My voice is quiet and as calm as I can make it. When she nods her head I continue, praying that I don't fuck this up.

"I did know, and I have known for a long time. We can talk about exactly how and when I knew later but for now I need try an explain this and I need you to really hear it". I wait then, for her to focus and shake her head. I want to make sure she's with me. When she does I continue, "When I realized you were pregnant I wanted to come to you. I wanted to beg you to take me back and to give me a chance to be a father. I thought about him every day. I though about you every day but I thought that it was selfish to want what I wanted. I though I was doing the right thing for both of you by staying away. Honest to God I did. I was scared, so scared that I would become as controlling with him as I had with you and he would hate me for it too. I wanted you both to have a chance at a normal life. I know it was cowardly and seeing him today, with someone else, certainly made it clear to me how wrong I was".

I'm looking in her eyes, I've been as honest with her as I can be but I have no idea if it's made any difference. I can't tell. I've told her everything except exactly how I confirmed that she was pregnant and I can't tell her that now, not yet, it wouldn't be fair to Ray. He deserves at least a little warning.

Ana pulls her head out of my hands and takes a deep breath, wiping her tears away and looking at the floor.

"Did you always know? " Ana's voice is small but the question is clear.

"No, I didn't. When I met you at the hospital that day, I thought you lost the baby. You were so upset and I wasn't sure exactly what happened but I didn't want to make you talk about it. I knew you'd never have an abortion, I knew you could never do that so I assumed you had lost it."

I stop then to catch my breath and begin again, "I was still getting reports from your security then so I knew you went to see Dr. Green a few times but I didn't think much of it at the time. When you first went to Charleston Keller was here for the first month too so I was still getting reports. I knew you got a new OB/GYN here and it was the first thing you did so I put two and two together. It didn't take much, no one goes to the Dr. that much unless…and so that's when I figured it out".

Ana takes a deep breath and says, "But I thought you said you didn't know if I had security in Charleston?"

"I don't, once I figured out that you were pregnant, I assumed that since you didn't tell me about it you must not want me in the child's life. I got angry and hurt and told Taylor to deal with your security and that I never wanted to hear about it again. It was wrong Ana, I was just feeling so many thing and I couldn't sort it all out."

Ana takes my hand a laces her fingers through mine for a second, she still doesn't look up from the floor but I hear her whisper, "It was never that I didn't want you involved Christian. Never, but I knew you weren't ready to be a father. We fell apart after we lost Blip and we never really recovered from it. You were so angry that I had put myself in that situation when Hyde took Mia and I don't think you ever forgave me for it".

I have to interrupt her; I can't let her think that I blamed her for loosing the baby, "Ana I never blamed you for losing the baby. Never for one second did I blame you. I was just so angry that you would put yourself in that kind of danger. I couldn't stand the thought of anything happening to either of you. But it wasn't your fault Ana, remember what my mother said, 'sometimes a pregnancy just isn't viable', there's nothing you could have done to save Blip".

I stand up and switch positions so I'm sitting on the coffee table facing Ana. "I reacted badly when you told me about this pregnancy Ana. I'm not making excuses for it, there are no excuses but I was shocked I mean Christ, we have sex on the table in my office the day we sign the divorce papers and you get pregnant, what are the odds."

Ana unlaces our hands and I hand her a handkerchief to wipe her tears as she says, "We were both wrong Christian, so very wrong and I know we have so much more to talk about but we could go back and forth with blame for days. I guess the real question is, what do we want to do now?"


	5. Shared Decisions

OK guys here's the rest of the conversation. A lot of you have been asking about Isaac and we will get there but it needs to just be about the three of them for now. I hope that makes sense. Thank you for your continued support and as always, I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for Reading!

**Chapter 5 –Shared Decisions**

There's an old adage that says you should never ask a question that you don't know the answer to and now I know why. I asked Christian what we wanted to do now and then I think to myself, I have NO idea what we should do next. For a few minutes we both sit there quietly trying to gather our thoughts but I think my brain is on overload because instead of thinking about what to do next, I'm looking at Christian's once beautiful white handkerchief, with CTG stitched in navy, and thinking that he's never going to get my mascara out of it.

Christian is still stilling on the coffee table in front of me and when I finally look up at him I can see the pain in his face, and the fear too. He's afraid of what I'm going to stay but before we can start that conversation there is one more thing I need to say.

"Before we start talking about what to do next Christian there is something I need to say. I know I said we need to let go of the blame game and we do, but I need to tell you how sorry I am for what I did. You said there are no excuses for what you did and that's true for me as well. I never should have let you think I lost the baby. It was wrong and I'm so so sorry. No matter what I thought, I should never have done that." He takes my hand again and starts to tell me that he understand why I did it but I shake my head. It's not ok and never will be but we need to keep going, we need to go forward now not back.

"I feel like I should know what to do next Christian but honestly, I have no idea what the right thing to do is. I guess, before we can decide anything else, I need to know what you want. From everything you've said it sounds like you regret not being involved, but what does that mean?"

I stop then, giving him time to formulate a response but as the time passes I start to worry. I have never been so fearful of an answer in my life. I know that he said that he was sorry, and that he sees how wrong he was but what if he's still not willing to step up. What if he's still too afraid? He's running his fingers through his hair and tugging gently as he gets to the end. I can see the uncertainty in his eyes, as he gets ready to speak.

"I do regret not being here for the two of you up until now, more then I'll ever be able to adequately express in words. I'm not sure exactly how we go about it but if you'll let me, I'd like to be involved from now on."

My whole body relaxes a bit after he says that. I always knew I wanted Christian in Noah's life but I don't think I knew exactly how much I had wanted it until that moment. I want to tell him, but I don't want to interrupt him if he's opening up.

"I'm still anxious Ana, I know I'm going to make a lot of mistakes and need an inordinate amount of help. If there's one thing that I'm sure of though it's that I want to know my son and I want him to know me."

His voice cracks a bit at the end of the sentence and I can see his Adam's apple moving as he swallows, trying and keep his emotions in check. He's scared I'm going to say no. I can feel the apprehension coming off of him in droves.

"Christian, I want you involved in Noah's life. It's the best thing that could happen for both of you but you have to be committed to it. If we decide to do this then you're in for good. You can get scared and you will make mistakes but you can't come in and out of his life. That's the worst thing we could do it him. Once you meet him you're committed to him for the rest of your life." My voice is serious and stern. I know I'm putting a lot on him quickly but I want him to know I mean it. I won't have Noah go through this unless it's for good.

I think it takes a second to sink in because he looks confused at first and then, for the first time, all day, he smiles. Fully smiles and there is so much relief on his face, hope, for the first time since we saw each other this morning. I can't help but smile too, he looks so happy and I can't believe we're here after all this time. We're already very close to one another with him sitting on the coffee table but he takes my arms and slides both of us forward. My knees are in between his now and he rests his forehead against mine, closing his eyes.

**XX**

I have spent my entire adult life knowing what to do next. I've made billions of dollars being able to make smart, succinct decisions better then anyone else. But when Ana asks me what we want to do next I freeze and it's not a feeling I'm use to at all. It occurs to me that if I'm about to become a parent it's a feeling I need to get very use to, and it scares the hell out of me. I know what I want but I don't know how to get what I want in a way that doesn't damage anyone or anything.

Ana starts to tell me how sorry she is for keeping Noah from me and I try to tell her that I understand why she did it. I **do **understand why she did it but part of me is still hurt and I'm sure she's hurt and pissed too but she's right, we need to move forward and decide what to do next. I'm sure we'll come back to the anger and it's resulting mistrust. Years with Flynn have me seeing that it's inevitable.

I need to be as honest as I've ever been but I start to doubt that decision when I tell her that I want to be involved but that I'm still nervous and very sure that I will fuck up. I'm trying to keep it together but my fucking voice cracks and gives it all away. I don't want Ana to think that I can't do this.

I've never been as thankful for anything in my life as I am when Ana says that she wants me in Noah's life. She adamant about my commitment to Noah and she's right when she says that it needs to be permanent but I can't believe she's even willing to give me a chance. I don't think before I do it, I probably should have but in the moment it felt right. I was so relieved and I need some kind of reaffirming physical connection with her. It's always been that way with us, I need it to be physical for it to feel real to me. I side Ana closer to me and rest my forehead against hers, closing my eyes.

"I'm in Ana, all in. You're right, this needs to be permanent for Noah and it will be. I'm in from now on." I want to lean in and kiss her, we're so close that my lips are tingling and it feels like the right thing to do, but I don't. Before this morning we hadn't seen each other in almost 3 years. We need time, I need to prove to her that I'm going to be here for Noah and for her, and I need to figure out whom that fucker was that took Noah home.

All of a sudden my mind is going a hundred miles an hour with all the things I need to do to prove to Noah and Ana that I can do this. I start making lists in my head and spring up from the table. Now I'm back in my element, there are tasks that need to be done. Things that need to be accomplished, this part I can do, this I am good at. I start rattling off lists of things I could do, changes I could make, to Ana and in the back of my head I realize I must look like a fucking nutcase but I don't care. This is my shot.

"I wonder if I could move here part time and run GHE from here. Maybe establish a smaller office here that I could work out of. We need a southeast presence this could work. I'll have to talk to Taylor about security but I'm not as well known on the east coast so it shouldn't really be that much of a problem. I should look into buying a place here that way I wouldn't have to worry about hotels all the time and then when Noah's ready he could spend the night at my place."

That last idea makes me really happy as I think about it. I notice that Ana is standing now too and she's smiling but she looks worried. She come over so that she's standing directly in front of me and puts her hand on my face, presumably to stop my rant. It works; her hand is on my cheek as her thumb runs over my bottom lips. That stops anything from coming out of my mouth. Her voice is hopeful and hesitant at the same time.

"Slow down there, cowboy. You haven't even met him yet." She smiles and I'm relieved to know I haven't fucked it up already. "I'm glad you're excited Christian, so glad, but we need to go slowly for all our sakes and especially for Noah. We need to ease him into this and I need to be able to trust that you are going to be here for the long hall. Before we do anything else, lets make a plan for you to meet him. You can come to the house so that he's in an environment where he feels comfortable and the two of you can play and get to know each other."

If anyone else had tried to take control of me like that I would have been pissed but I'm not, I'm proud of her. She's right; I was going way to fast and getting ahead of myself.

I start to smirk and her and say, "You're different now, so much stronger then when we first met. I'm proud of you and I've missed you, so much."

"You're different now too, you recognize when you've gone to far and you didn't freak out when I stopped you. I've missed you too. I can't tell you how much I've wanted this, for Noah and for you too. Fathers and Sons need one another."

She pulls her hand away from my face as I ask her, "OK so what's the plan then."

She quiet for a bit, obviously thinking and then says, "I think you should come over to the house for breakfast with us. Noah's usually happiest in the morning and that way your first meeting has the best chance of going well."

I try to hide my disappointment but even after all these years Ana knows me to well. I want to meet him now, this second. I don't want to wait until the morning.

She hits the nail on the head when she says, "I know you're disappointed Christian but I've been here for hours. I need to get home and make sure Noah's been okay for Isaac and I need a bit of time to decompress for all of this. I know the morning seems like eons to wait right now but I think it's the right thing to do."

There's no use denying it or trying to hide it. "I am disappointed and you're right, I do want to meet him right now but I trust that you know what's best. No matter how much it's killing me." I pause then but another thought occurs to me, "What do we tell him tomorrow?"

I see Ana take a deep breath and I already know I'm going to hate this answer. "I don't think we tell him anything tomorrow. We introduce you as my friend Christian and you guys get to know each other. I think after he's more comfortable with you we can explain that you're his daddy just like Papa is mine. He's just two Christian, I want him to be comfortable with you before we do anything else."

I was right; I hate that answer. I want to tell him now, I can't even imagine waiting longer then tomorrow.

"We can wait a bit Ana but I don't want to wait long. I'm not comfortable with this at all." Ana's right, I have changed, and calmed but I'm still me. I sill need some amount of control.

"I think that's fair Christian and as a compromise, why don't you set up call with Dr. Flynn for tomorrow afternoon. We can talk to him about how the visit went and about when the right time is to tell Noah."

I instantly feel better. I need to call Flynn anyway to talk through what has happened today and get some advice for tomorrow so setting up another call will be easy.

Laughing slightly I say, "I need to talk to Flynn anyway and it's a good idea. I'll set up the call"

Ana's walking towards the door so I follow her but I don't want this to be over yet, I want her to stay.

She turns around when she gets to the door and pulls me in for a hug. I'm surprised at first and stiffen but after a few seconds I relax and turn my head into her neck. It feels so good to be here again, almost to good, and I don't want to let her go. She releases me though and says,

"Okay we'll see you at 8am tomorrow." With a smirk on her lips she adds, "I would give you the address but I'm sure Taylor already has it. Also, tell Sawyer there's no point in hiding behind me when he follows me home. I've learned to pick my battles and I'd like to talk to him and see how he's been these last few years."

With that she opens the door and she's gone and the last thing I do before calling Flynn is to call Sawyer and tell him exactly what she asked me to. I can't help but smile when I think to myself, I guess that smart mouth of hers hasn't gone anywhere.


	6. Shared Looks

OK guys, here's the meeting. It may be boarding on sappy but I hope not, I hope I did it justice. Thank you for reading and telling me what you think. Also, I'm looking for a beta if anyone is interested. We'll get into the time they were apart next time and hopefully it will answer some of your questions.

**Chapter 6 – Shared Looks**

I've decided that sleep is overrated since I got none last night. At first I thought it was horrible but then I realized I was glad. I had a ton to do and the tasks kept me distracted enough to finally calm down. I made muffins and fruit salad for breakfast in the morning, defrosted turkey bacon to cook, and picked out Noah and my clothes. Hell, I even cleaned the powder room. The last one was a bit excessive, I admit, Joan had just come on Friday to clean but I needed something else to do.

Noah, thank god, did not have this problem and slept until 7:00 am waking up happy and funny. He's just out of the bath and running around naked, happily babbling something about Simba since we watched The Lion King last night before bed. I bend down and scoop him up blowing a raspberry on his belly.

"Alright there little man let's get you dressed shall we."

He's cheering and laughing as he says, "I not little mama, I big."

Smiling at his new insistence on always being big I say, "Yes, you are getting very big. Come and have a chat with me while we get you dressed, okay."

I set him on his bed to get him dressed into jean and his favorite red and white shark shirt. Since it's a bit cold today I also add a navy and white-stripped nautical pull over with a small sailboat on it.

"Noah," I say as I finish dressing him, "do you remember how I said that a friend was going to come and have breakfast with us this morning."

He's shaking his head and says, "It's Papa?"

"No buddy it's not Papa but you'll see Papa tomorrow." He looks sad for a moment but as soon as I say he'll see my dad tomorrow he cheers. The joys of being two, everything is either completely tragic or an immense joy. There is no in between.

"Yay Papa!" He loves my dad, sometimes I think more than me, and the feeling is mutual.

"I know buddy, Papa will be very excited to see you too. But let's talk about the person who's coming to see us, his name is Christian."

At this, Noah stops his squirming around on the bed and looks at me with wide eyes. I've been thinking about this moment since last night, wondering how this would go, and really wanting to see his reaction.

"Like books." He says with a lot of wonder and a bit of trepidation.

"Yep, just like the books. He's very nice, just like in the books too, and I think you'll like him. Now, can you go get your blue converse for mama and bring them in the kitchen? Then you can help me finish cooking breakfast, okay."

With that he's off again, in search of his blue converse and on to other subjects. He comes into the kitchen three minutes later with one shoe and I have to send back in search of the other. Finally, just as I've put the bacon and the frittata in the oven, he comes back with his other shoe. Everything is set and ready for Christian so I set him on the counter and put his shoes on.

Once I finish with his shoes I say, "Okay bud you're all set with your shoes. Do you want to open the door when Christian gets here?"

He's super excited now and is shaking his head vigorously. Just as I'm about to put him on the floor I hear the buzzer indicating that Christian's downstairs, and a few minutes after I buzz him in there is a knock on the door. Noah runs to the door but as soon as I open the door and he sees Christian he gets really shy and clings to my leg.

Christian did much better then I expected. I was prepared for him to show up with half the FAO Swartz Christmas catalog but he only has one bag.

Smiling down at Noah, running my fingers over his hair I say, "Hi. He's decided he's a bit shy at the moment. Come in."

Christian looks nervous but truly happy too. We move aside so Christian can come in, which is easier said then done with Noah stuck to my left leg. Once he's inside, and the door is shut, I bend down so that I'm at Noah's eye level and pry him off my leg. Thankfully Christian bends down as well. He's giving Noah a bit of space, which is good. He clearly spoke to Flynn last night.

"Noah, this is Christian. Can you say hello?" He's shy but he's also in awe of Christian and when Noah doesn't say anything Christian steps in to try and help.

"I'm very glad to meet you Noah, I've been waiting a long time. I brought someone with me who would like to come out and meet you. Would you like to meet him?" Christian brings the bag closer and Noah's curiosity begins winning him over. He's still a bit skeptical and so he looks up and me to get the okay.

"Go ahead buddy, Christian got you a present."

Finally he can't take anymore waiting and he reaches in the bag to pull out a lion about half his size. He's really excited now and starts dancing around saying, "Simba"

Christian's smiling now too and says, "Well he looks like Simba but he's called Christian, just like I am. Look he comes with a book too."

He's got Noah's full attention now. Noah loves books and unlike many two year olds he will sit through an entire book, enraptured, with no problem at all. It makes me proud to think that maybe there is a bit of me in him after all.

Christian pulls out a book called "Christian the Hugging Lion" and Noah steps closer to him to get a better look. He's not a shy child by nature but it does take him a bit to warm up to people so I'm surprised that he's moved so close to Christian already.

"Noah," I say, "why don't you take Christian the lion and Christian the person and go over to the couch. Maybe you can convince one of them to read you the story."

He's still a bit apprehensive so I smile and add, "Don't worry, I'll come too." That seems to do the trick and he takes Christian's finger in his hand and leads him to the couch, all the while dragging Christian the Lion in his other hand. Once we get to the couch I put Noah in between Christian and I and Christian sets the book on his lap.

"Okay Noah should we ask Christian if he would read us the book?"

Noah looks up at him and says "Read peas Cistin."

They're the first words that Noah's spoken directly to Christian and you can hear the emotion in Christian's voice when he says, "Of course, I'd love to read it to you buddy."

As Christian begins to tell Noah the story of Ace and John finding a little lion cub at Harrods, I see Noah get more into the story and move closer to Christian and further away from me. It's such a bittersweet moment. Besides my dad, I've never had to share Noah with anyone and it'll be a big change for me.

When I'm sure they're fully engrossed in the story I sneak away to get the rest of breakfast out of the oven. I see Noah notice that I'm getting up and I worry that he's going to freak but he doesn't. Thankfully we live in a big loft space so he can see me from the living room area when I'm in the kitchen. Once he's confident I'm not leaving him he goes back to listening to the story. As I stand in the kitchen finishing breakfast and getting everything ready the reality of all of this sets in. This is what I've wanted and never dared think about, a family for Noah with both of us here. I can't believe it might actually happen.

When breakfast is all set in the kitchen I head back to the boys, just as they are finishing the story. Noah has moved from beside Christian to sitting on his lap and Christian has his arm around him, keeping Noah safely in place. It's a lovely sight to see and I'm almost hesitant to return to the couch and interrupt it.

I sit next to Christian as he finishes the story and I see him lightly kiss Noah on the top of the head. Noah's so excited he doesn't notice it as scrambles across Christian's lap to kneel on mine so that he's at eye level. He's excitedly talking about and hugging and something else I don't quite understand when he throws he's arms around my neck. When he pulls back he's looking at me like he's expecting something and Christian leans over laughing and says,

"They rate hugs in the book, I think he wants to know how he did."

I hug him back and say, "You did great buddy, a perfect 10." Then looking up at Christian I add, "You both did great. I'm impressed and so proud of you."

After a few seconds of hugging Noah's done and ready to move on so I decide to give some direction to his energy. "Noah, breakfast is ready. Can you please show Christian where your bathroom is and you guys go wash-up?" I look at Christian and add, "there's a stool and kid soap in there, it's less likely you'll come out with more water on you then on his hands"

Noah hops off my lap and takes Christian's finger in his hand again, this time with no unease and says, "Come on Cistin," and they're off towards Noah's room.

After 10 minutes they still hadn't returned and I'm starting to get nervous. I wanted to give them time to themselves, and not hover, but 10 minutes is a lot of time with a two year old. As I head back to Noah's room, I stop in the doorway when I see both of them sitting on the floor looking at something. Christian looks up when he hears me approaching and there are tears in his eyes so I know exactly what they were looking at now.

When sees me he says, "He said he wanted to show me **his** Christian book and I thought he meant he already had the one I brought him. When he went to get it he gave me this instead…Ana, you couldn't have just done this last night?"

I sit next to Christian and smile gently taking the book I made for Noah when he was just a few months old. It has the youngest picture of Christian I could find on the cover. He's probably 6 and he's smiling at the camera without his front teeth, playing the piano at the Grey's house in Bellevue. The book has Christian throughout the years, with simple captions or small stories under each picture. Christian is playing or running, reading or swimming, as he gets older, Christian is studying or flying or sailing. Noah loves the book and we read it almost every night.

"No, I didn't do it last night. When Noah was a few months old I found the thumb drive I had with all the pictures I was going to use for the slide show on your 30th birthday. Inspiration struck one night and I made him a book. I wanted Noah to know you, even if you weren't in his life. I wanted him to know you were a good man, smart, and caring. I knew that he would start asking about you one day, probably at 4 or 5, and that's when I was going to tell him whom the Christian in the book was." I pause and add, "You and I had spoken quite a lot about the fact that a part of you had always wondered who your dad was and where you came form. I didn't want that for him."

Noah interrupts then, climbing on my lap to look at his favorite book. He looks up at me and says, "Mama, Cistin sad?"

He's always been quite sensitive and really doesn't like it when other people are upset.

"No buddy, I think those are happy tears but it might be nice if you went and gave Christian a hug anyway. Hugs are always good right, that's what Lion Christian says."

With that, Noah is scrambling up and jumps to Christian throwing his arms around Christian's neck. I get nervous for a second, thinking about Noah's entire body pressed against Christian's chest. I do see him flinch, but only for a second. He's quickly calms and embraces Noah, whispering something in his ear that I can't hear.

I give them a few minutes, not wanting to break-up the moment, and then I say, "Okay guys breakfast is getting cold, let's go eat. Noah, maybe after breakfast you can show Christian the other books and your boats and planes."

"Okay mama." Everything is so simple when you're two; I wish it stayed that way as we grew up. Noah happily bounces into the kitchen as Christian and I get up off the floor.

As I begin to follow Noah, Christian grabs my hand and stops me. "There are other books Ana?"

"Two actually, one with pictures of your family and one with just pictures of your toys." He raises his eyebrow at me then and I smile and gently shove him, "god Christian, not **those **toys, your boats and planes and helicopters. He loves that one at the moment."

He pulls me to him then, in maybe the tightest hug he's ever given me and turns his face to speak into the crook of my neck. "Thank you so much Ana, I can't tell you what it means to me that a piece of me was here with him the whole time. I was so nervous that he would be scared of me or hate me."

I'm getting choked-up now and I need to change the mood in here before Noah comes back and sees both of us teary. I pull away and say, "It's really me that should be thanking you. You were the inspiration for my career. After I made the Christian book, I realized how much I liked doing it and I began to write children's books. I teach at the local college too but it's only part-time as an Adjunct. They liked that I have experience in both publishing and writing."

We've been in here a couple of minutes when I start to think that I need to check go check on Noah. Leaving a two year old alone for more then 30 seconds usually ends in disaster. He comes running back in the room then with a discussed look on his face and says, "Mama, Cristin, **come now**. I hungry!" He stomps his little foot and swings his arms in protest just to make his point.

That snaps Christian into action but not me. There's been a lot of new things today and I know he's excited but that still doesn't make it ok to act like that.

"Noah Trevelyan Steel is that how we ask people to do things in this house?" He's immediately upset, with big crocodile tears, so I bend down to pick him up.

"I sorry mama," he says with him head resting on my shoulder.

"It's okay, thank you for apologizing. Now, you're right we do need eat but you still need to ask nicely. Let's go, you lead the way."

As always, he immediately springs back and is happy again. I put him down and then I lean in to Christian and say, "That's all your gene pool when he acts like that."

Christian smirks and says, "I don't think so Ana, that's your particular brand of stubborn right there. I'm pretty sure stomping your foot used to be a regular occurrence when you didn't get your way. We can ask Taylor to confirm if you want."

Sadly he's right about that. "Alright enough out of you smartass. Let's go have breakfast with our son."

**XX**

I spend a long time FaceTiming with Flynn yesterday after Ana left. I'm pretty sure I heard him mumble a 'Thank God' under his breath when I explained that Ana and I had run into each other. I hadn't told him about this trip because he would have made me talk through why I was really going to Charleston and I wasn't ready to do that. He's assures me that we'll revisit my purposefully omitting difficult topics when I return to Seattle. Outstanding, I can't fucking wait.

As much as I am loathed to admit it, he gave me some excellent advice about Noah. He reminds me that I like my space and that I should take the same queues from Noah. Also, to bend down to his level when I meet him and whenever I'm trying to explain something to him. The thing he said most though, was that I shouldn't buy too much for him. It sets the wrong precedent and a bad message. He must have said it at least 10 times and if he had said it one more time I swear to God I was going to hang up on him. It's not that I don't listen it's that I usually chose to do what I want anyway. He should know that by now. I set up the call for tomorrow with Ana and I at 2, Flynn thought Noah might be napping around then and it would be convenient.

After that, I head out to find something to bring with me for Noah. It didn't take me long to figure out what I wanted to get. I remembered my father telling me the story of a lion named Christian when I was a little boy. I was going through a phase where I didn't like my name but after my dad showed me the video, and read me the story, of the lion with my name I decided I loved it. I figured if Noah saw that Christian the lion was nice, maybe he'd be ok with me too. What I really wanted to do was to call my mom and ask her for advice but we're not there yet. She's going to be furious with and both Ana and I and while I don't blame her, I can't take one more thing right now.

First, I found Christian the Lion and his book in a local bookstore. Then I got a few other things for Noah but I was pretty proud of myself, I didn't go overboard at all. I got him an Ipad so we can FaceTime when I return home and a bathtub boat that looks a lot like The Grace II. Then I called my PA, Claire, and had her ship a few Seattle themed toys here as well as a shirt and pajamas that have all the Seattle landmarks on them and say "Property of Grey Enterprise Holdings". I assume she'll need to have the clothes made but I don't care. There are always ways to get things done.

I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep at all so I ordered room service and then had Taylor bring me all the reports on Ana and Noah he had but I'd never read. I know I should wait and talk to Ana about what's been going on in their lives but I can't. I'm already at my max capacity of waiting for things, having to wait to meet Noah until tomorrow. I also ask Taylor to run a background check on Isaac whatever the fuck his last name is that was with Ana. He cuts me off in the middle of my request by handing me the already completed background check and laughs saying,

"I took a shot you'd want it."

What I **wanted **to do was to knock the smug look off his face but as usual he's fucking right.

So I settled in for a long night of reading and finally fell asleep around 2:30 am. The dreams were different, I had a face for the little boy that was in them, but they were still terrible. I dreamt that Noah wouldn't come near me and was crying and screaming for Ana.

At 6am Taylor and I run and I'm ready to head to Ana's by 7:45. It's a very short walk but I'm happy for it. I need to get some of this nervous energy out. I'm not usually uneasy meeting people but I am today and it makes me feel for people that are nervous meeting me. Now I see what it feels like and it feels like shit.

When Ana opens the door I can see that Noah's nervous too but he doesn't seem fearful and I'm immediately grateful. He's a little uncomfortable at first, but Christian the Lion seems help and I realize I'm going to have to have to buy Mia something for making me watch The Lion King with her 300 times when she was a kid. I never thought I'd glad to know a cartoon character.

When Noah leads me to the couch, his little hand around just one of my fingers, I'm overwhelmed that he's already so trusting. I start to worry that I'm not going to be deserving of such trust. Christ, I have no idea how to even read a small child a book. I haven't read a children's book since I was a child. I want to abdicate to Ana but when Noah asks me, and even adds a little please in there, I give in. I'm in deep trouble if all he has to do to get me to change my mind is say please. Surprising, I'm doing well with the story until Ana gets up and leaves Noah and I alone on the couch. I see Noah watching her go and I can tell that he's starting worry to a bit too. I want to comfort him and say, _I'm right there with you buddy. I don't know what she thinks she's doing either._ But after a few seconds he seems to be content to settles back into the story. I keep getting distracted from the book because I just want to look at Noah. I was too nervous in the beginning, I couldn't focus on anything but not saying or doing anything at would scare him. Now I just want to hold him. I want to put him in my lap but I don't want to force too much on him to quickly.

As the story progresses, he climbs on my lap all by himself and I have to force myself to keep going with the story rather then just hold him. I surprise myself when I immediately put my arm around him so he doesn't fall. I always assumed that I wouldn't have the ability to parent a child because of my early life but it seems that I was wrong. My desire to protect Noah was immediate. I didn't have to do anything; one look and I instantly loved him and wanted to protect him. By the end of the story he's repeating parts of the book as I read them and pointing out the characters. It's such a simple moment but I don't ever remember feeling this content and happy in my life. When Ana comes back to sit with us Noah pops up and moves over to her lap, telling her all about the story we just read. I'm truly impressed with how much of the story he's able to recount to Ana and when he hugs her, asking her to rate the hug, I have to explain to her what he wants. The feeling of pride shocks me it's so strong. I've been less impressed with myself when closing a million dollar deal then I am when I'm able to explain what Noah's asking Ana to do. Ana's impressed too and I had forgotten how much her praise means to me. I don't usually need, or want, other people's praise but Ana's always been different. Her words mean so much.

She sends me on a fool's errand when she sends me to wash-up with Noah and I should have recognized it when she made the water comment but I didn't it. By the time we're done, Noah's laughing at me and I look like I've pissed myself. His little laugh is infectious though and I find myself laughing too. Inspiration must strike him because all of a sudden he's off, heading out of the bathroom.

"Noah, where are you going?" I say as he runs toward his room.

I hear him say, "I be back Cistin. I get my Cistin book."

I assume that he already has the lion book and am disappointed that I didn't find him something he didn't already have. I dry myself off the best I can and head into his room. I didn't really look at it as we walked through the first time, but now I notice that it's similar to my own childhood room. The white wooden furniture is solid and he has navy bedding on his little toddler bed with sailboat sheets. The top half of the wall has big horizontal stripes in light grey and light blue with solid blue on the bottom half. The bottom of two of the walls are covered in small white wooden shelves, each shelf having a book on it as well as a stuffed animal character from that book. I see all the books we had in our house when I was a kid: Pooh, Paddington, Harold and his purple crayon, Frog and Toad, Corduroy, The Little Prince. It's a great room, big with lots of room to run and play and it's very subtlety sailboat themed. I see Noah grabbing a book off one of the shelves so I go to see what's he's found.

"Did you find your Christian book buddy?"

He looks very proud as he hands the book up to me. At first, when I look at it, I think I'm seeing things. I expect to see Christian the lion but instead I see my own 6-year-old face starring back at me. I'm so stunned that I need to sit down and since I can't seem to move, I sit on the floor. I don't understand what I'm seeing. Noah sits next to me and opens the book to one of back pages, and I see myself sailing The Grace.

Noah points to me sailing and says, "Cistin"

I'm don't understand, Ana couldn't have done this last night. Maybe I've finally snapped and I'm seeing things. Flynn won't even be surprised.

I hear myself say quietly to Noah, "Yeah buddy that's me."

I flip through the book and see myself at different ages with little comments next to each picture explaining what I'm doing or telling a little story about me. I hear Ana approach and when I look up at her, she doesn't seem at all surprised to see what we're looking at. I sit there stunned as she tells me how she created the book when Noah was just a few months old. I can't believe she did this, I don't know if I'll ever be able to thank her enough. There are tears in my eyes as I think that he's seen me, in some way, almost every day of his life and then I hear Ana suggest that Noah give me a hug. He hesitates for only a second and then he's up and in my arms. I worry, for a second, that I'll feel like it does when anyone else touches me but it doesn't. It's exactly the opposite, calming and life affirming.

"Thank you so much Noah. It's the best hug I've ever had and I feel so much better. I love you so much," I say.

I want to tell him so much more but he's to young to understand what a colossal mistake I made by letting him and his mother go.

Ana's telling us it's time for breakfast but there's one more thing I need to ask, so I wait until Noah's heading towards the kitchen and ask about the other books. I can't believe there are others. I can't help but raise an eyebrow when she says that the third book contains toys and I'm glad I do because it help to lighten the mood as we head to breakfast, for the first time, as a family.


	7. Shared Pasts

This is sort of a quiet chapter, but we do get a look at a bit of Christian's time away from Ana. This chapter is all Christian's voice. Thank you for reading, and if you have time, please review and leave your thoughts. There is also a question at the end of this chapter. I need some opinions.

**Chapter 7 – Shared Pasts**

"Alright Noah, I think it's time for you to take a rest." I hear Ana say as she walks toward Noah's room from the kitchen.

His room is destroyed. There are huge building blocks everywhere; it looks like we've thrown them on every available inch of the floor. All his toy cars, planes, and boats have been pulled off the shelves and are on the floor as well. We've had a great time building forts and houses and then knocking them down with the cars, boats, and planes. Noah laughing each time a building got knocked over and asking if we can build it again.

"No mama, I play with Cistin." Noah says with absolute certainty.

Ana stops cold in her tracks when she enters the room. She starts laughing and, shaking her head she says, "Oh my gosh, what on earth did you guys do in here. I leave you alone for half an hour and come back to this!"

In fairness, we were having a much more civilized playtime when Ana was in here with us, playing with the planes flying them around the room. She left us to go pick up the lunch mess and I don't know what inspired us do this once she left, but it's been ridiculously fun.

"I'm sorry Ana." I say, laughing a little too. "I'll clean this up."

Ana's still smiling as she says, "It's fine Christian, honestly. I'm glad you guys are having such a good time. He can help you pick it up after his nap."

I love the sound of her laughing so much and it makes me think about how much I've missed her and how grateful I am to be here.

Noah speaks up again, trying to assert his independence and strong desire not to sleep.

"No mama" he says again. "I not seeping, I playing with Cistin."

Ana leans down and picks him up off the floor saying, "It's time to rest, you've played with Christian all morning, then you had lunch with him and played some more. You need to rest for a while and when you get up, Christian will still be here."

I'm instantly happy, not only does Noah not want to leave me, and is happy to hangout, but also, Ana is going to let me stay until Noah wakes up. I've been afraid that she'd want me to go after we had our call with Flynn.

"I not wanna seep." Noah says sadly, looking directly at me. He's no dummy, he knows exactly who the week link is in this room.

He looks heartbroken and if it were up to me, I'd give in and let him keep playing but Ana's not having it.

"I know you don't buddy," Ana says, "but you need to sleep now so you can play and have fun later. Can you tell Christian you'll see him later?"

"No, not seeping Cistin." Noah says, still trying to get out of it and reaching to hug me while still in Ana's arms.

Ana moves closer to me so he can put his little arms around my neck and hug me.

I want to tell Ana to forget it, but she's looking at me like she'll kill me if I give in. So instead I say, "`I know big guy," kissing him softly on the top of his head, "I'll see you when you wake up."

Ana put him in is bed, and covers him with a sailboat blanket from the bottom of his bed. She turns on some stuffed animal that softly plays music while making stars on the ceiling. Then she goes and draws his shades. Lastly, she picks up lion Christian and hands him to Noah to cuddle.

Kissing him on the forehead she says, "Sleep well, we'll see you when you wake up."

I don't want to leave him, he looks so sad, but Ana takes my hand and gently pulls me out of the room, closing the door behind us.

As if reading my mind, or more likely my face, Ana says, "I promise he's okay Christian. I know it seems terrible to leave him when he's sad but he needs a nap, he's exhausted."

She's smiling at me in a way that I've never seen before and so I ask her, "What?"

"Nothing," she says, "it's just, who would have thought Christian Grey was such a softy."

I'm smiling now too, and feeling a bit better about leaving Noah.

"Hey," I say, with as stern a look as I can muster, "that information is only for you. I can't have anyone else thinking I've gone soft."

Her hand is still in mine, and so I lead us to the couch and I'm so grateful when she keeps our hands locked.

"I'm not to worried about you being a permanent softy." Ana says smiling, "The first time he tells you no, or does something that puts him in danger, the softy will be gone."

"I'd like to tell you that I've mellowed and am now a completely different man, but it'd be a lie. I have mellowed some, and Flynn and I have worked on my control issues a great deal, and the ending of our marriage did change me a lot, but I'm still me." I tell her sadly.

"Christian, I wouldn't want you to be a completely different man. I loved the man you were, but it was too much for me. I was so young, and I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted. After we lost the baby, you needed to control my every move and that didn't allow me any room to grow and mature." She stops, and if debating with her self to say anything else and then says, "There were times and places that I craved the Christian that took control of everything. In the playroom for instance, but I just couldn't take it all the time."

She squeezes my hand, trying to reassure me. I don't know how it got so heavy in here but I don't think either of us is ready to revisit the end of our marriage.

I want to get us onto other subjects so I say, "Craved it in the playroom huh… Do you miss the playroom Anastasia?" My voice is low and gravely all of a sudden, as images of Ana and I in the playroom at Escala flash through my head.

Her face flushes, and I can tell that she's thinking of the same things.

Her voice is quiet when she says, "You have no idea."

I want to ask her to elaborate but she continues and says, "Can I ask you something Christian."

I nod and say, "Anything."

"Well," she says "I know that you probably know all about my life. I assume that even if you didn't look at the security reports before, you looked at them yesterday after I left."

I smile, it's comforting that she still knows me so well and say, "I did."

She clears her throat and looks as if she's building up some courage and then says quietly, "We are going to be spending time together now, because of Noah, and I would like to get to know you again. I want to know what your life is like now, what Noah will be a part of."

"Ana," I say, "I know we've just met again, but you know I've never been good at patience. It's not one of my virtues, if I have any at all. But I hope that Noah isn't the only reason we spend time together. I never stopped…"

I know it's way to soon to say this but I can't help it. I got a glimpse of how life with my family would be today and I want it, all of it. I've missed out on so much with Noah already and my life had been empty without them. I want them, both of them; so much I can't stand it.

"Christian," she interrupts me, "Right now I think that the focus should be on your relationship with Noah. I'm not saying down the road can't talk about us but I just think that right now it should be about you and Noah."

I acquiesce, "Fair enough Ana, it should be about Noah and I, **for now**." I take my hand and gently put in on the back of her neck, bringing her in close to me. I lean in lowly whisper in her ear, "But just so we're clear, Anastasia, I'm not sure how long '**now**' will last." I pause there to make my point and then straighten back up again saying, "I digressed, you had questions and you wanted to ask me about my life now."

Ana's still leaned in towards me and I can see that she's flushed, and her breathing is shallow. I've clearly had an affect on her and that's exactly what I want. She's right, I need to concentrate on Noah but she's crazy if she thinks that means I won't pursue her. She finally collects herself and straightens up, brining one of her legs onto the couch and bending it beneath her.

Once she's comfortable she says, "There's no easy way to start this conversation Christian. There are so many things we need to talk about, the most important of which is probably some sort of regular schedule for you to see Noah. Before we do that though, I need to know what your life is like now."

Ana's nervous and I don't really understand why at first. She's biting her lip looking down at the couch nervously playing with the fingers on my right hand. Then it hits me, she's asking me about subs.

Now I'm the one that's nervous as I say, "Ana, I don't…there's not…there's no one. I haven't even attempted to have a sub in over a year, and even before that, I never brought anyone home to Escala. There's never been another contract." I pause, taking a deep breath. I don't really want to tell her this, but she deserves to know. "I tried after you left, both vanilla and finding a sub. Neither ever worked. Eliot tried to set me up a few times, but I could never open up to anyone that wasn't you, I just…it didn't work. I missed you too much and whenever I tried with anyone else I spent the whole time wishing it was you there with me."

Ana still looks remarkably uncomfortable as she says, "But there were other subs?"

"Not in the way you think. I tried…I went to anonymous high-end clubs but it just never worked. I couldn't get the same pleasure out of it."

I can tell she wants to ask more, and there's more to tell her but she's not asking and I'm not volunteering.

I finally add, "If you're worried about subs or other woman around Noah, there's no need to worry, that won't happen."

She seems to relax a bit after that and says, "You kept Escala?"

"I did," I say smiling "I couldn't keep the house on the sound, there were to many bad memories there. I sold it about three months after you left. I thought about selling Escala too, and just starting over completely, but I couldn't do it. All our first were there."

"I'm glad you didn't sell Escala, I understand why you sold the house on the sound but I would have been sad about Escala. There are so many things to remember there," Ana says, and I can tell that she's thinking about all the firsts we had there too.

"I've had a great day today, thank you for this. It's the best day I've had in a long time."

I stop there, debating whether or not to continue. I'm embarrassed to tell her just how lonely my life is again, but I want her to know how much this means to me. "My life is pretty much as it was before you came into it. I work a lot, go to benefits or fundraisers, and see my family every few weeks. There's not a lot to look forward too. Today was rare for me."

She looks sad for a second, and I know it's for me and then says, "You're good with him Christian, I always knew you would be. He's had a great day today too."

"I'd like to do this as much as possible Ana. I know you're probably not comfortable with him coming to Seattle yet so I can come here. I'll come as often as you'll let me."

"I think for now, you're right, you should come here. Do you want to try and come every weekend? It needs to be consistent, but I'm afraid that's a lot of travel for you. When he's more comfortable with you, and a bit older, I'm fine with him going to Seattle but we are a long way from that. We need to tell your family first and if we survive it, we'll go from there."

"It's not to much travel, I need to come every weekend. I can get a lot of work done on the flights. I need to be around as much as possible, it's the only way we'll get to know each other." I rub my hands over my face, and grown. "Ugh Ana," I whine, "Even thinking about telling my family is to much. I can imagine the look on my mom's face. It'll kill her."

Ana pulls my hand away from my face and takes them both in her hands. She's waits until I look up at her and says, "We both did this Christian. I'll tell them with you, this is as much my fault as it is yours." And then she adds, "Although you might have to return the favor one day, Carla doesn't know either."

I'm so relieved when she says it I pull her into my arms. I honestly can't imagine doing it on my own. They're all going to hate me, and rightfully so, I can't do that by myself.

Then it hits me, what she's said and I say, "You didn't tell Carla?" I'm shocked, I know they've had a rough go of it but I assumed she knew.

"I didn't tell anyone Christian, I just couldn't."

She looks ashamed now and so I let it go. We'll have to revisit Carla. Everyone needs to know so we can all start to move on.

Any ideas on how we should tell my parents?" I ask. I genuinely have no idea how to have that conversation.

Ana pauses "Let's wait a few weeks, maybe even a month or two. That way you and Noah will have had time to get to know each other without any other new people. Noah and I can come to Seattle, and we'll tell everyone together. They can't kill us with our two-year-old in the room. Ana smirks when she says the last part, but I can see how nervous she is to tell everyone.

"I don't know Ana, between Kate and my mother, we may really be testing that theory." I say smiling and then I add, more seriously, "Thank you for agreeing to come, I honestly don't think I could do it on my own."

She's still in my arms as we talk, my hands are making slow circles on his back, and I've leaned in to say the last bit so our mouths are about an inch apart. One forward move from either of us, and our lips would touch. I know she said she doesn't want to talk about us right now, but she also said she missed me, and the playroom, and I can see her desire when we get close. I just want to remind her what we're like. I want her to remember the draw and the spark.

The air is getting thick between us and I see Ana bite her lip and look down at mine, trying to decide what to do.

She looks back up and me and says, "I know what you're doing Christian."

I move in just a fraction and say, almost against her lips, "Is it working?"

"It might have," Ana whispers, backing away slightly and then says in her normal voice "but we were supposed to call Dr. Flynn five minutes ago. I'll have to thank him for that later." Her eyebrow is raised and she's smirking at me.

"I'll have to kill him for that later," I mutter as Ana laughs and hands me the phone to dial his number.

We get off the phone 45 minutes later with high praise from Flynn as to how we've handled things. It feels good to actually hear praise from him. In the last few years, he's not been happy with how I've handled things, reverting to my own ways of seclusion and short temper.

Flynn's happy that we are going to go slowly, and that I'm going to be a consistent presence in Noah's life before we tell him I'm his father. He suggests 3 or 4 more visits before we tell him, and likes Ana's idea about explaining it to him by using Ray as an example. I hate the idea of waiting that long, and say so quite a few times, with Flynn reminding me each time that this was not about me, it was about Noah. Before hanging up, we agree to do a weekly family call with him to address any may arise.

"Christian," Ana says when we hang up with Flynn, "We've not talked about when you have to go back to Seattle."

The thought of leaving them makes me sick to my stomach, but I know I have to go, I have a company to run.

"I'm scheduled to leave very early Tuesday morning," I say reluctantly. "I can return on a late flight Friday, and see you guys first thing Saturday morning."

"Sounds like a plan." Ana says, and then continues, "I have to teach tomorrow night, and I assume you have a reason besides us that brought you to Charleston, but my dad usually watches him on Monday nights. Would you like to come over and hang out with them while I'm gone?"

I need to talk to Ray so this is perfect, I'll go see GreenSpaces in the morning and then see Noah and Ray in the afternoon.

"I would love that, I do have some work I need to attend to in the morning, but I an free in the late afternoon and evening."

We both relax then, the plans are made and we have a schedule, at least for the next few weeks. Ana looks exhausted, and I'm sure I do too. Today has been wonderful, but the anticipation of it was so stressful. I'm sure she didn't get any sleep either. As we chat quietly, waiting for Noah to wake up, Ana puts her head on my shoulder and we both lean back into the couch and fall asleep.

**xx**

**I was intentionally vague about Christian's time away from Ana in regards to woman. I keep going back and forth about whether I want either of them to have slept with other people while they were apart. If you have strong thoughts, one way or the other, I'd love to hear your reasons.**


	8. Shared Anger

You guys were amazing with all your reviews and PM's telling me your thoughts on Ana and Christian. I loved that you were so passionate and said not just what you thought, but your reasons behind those thoughts. I know this won't make everyone happy but I hope some of you will like it and I can't wait to hear what you think. Thank you for reading and for your continued support. Keep telling me what you think.

**Chapter 8 – Shared Anger**

I knew this was going to happen. In some hidden part of my mind I have been afraid of this moment since I heard Christian growl at Isaac when I first saw him. Yesterday had been perfect, Noah and Christian bonded and we spent the entire day as a family. It went so much better then I ever thought it could, and I went to bed happy and content.

Today was different; it was not my day from the very beginning. I spent the morning with Noah, which is normally my favorite thing but today he's decided that using the bathroom was entirely too much work. He's had two accidents. Potty training a 2 year old should come with a warning, just when you think they've got it they'll show you how wrong you are.

Then, traffic was horrible downtown and my dad was late getting to my place, which made me late for my class. The students were restless, making my lecture frustrating and ineffective, and the student I was supposed to meet after class for extra help never showed up. I couldn't wait to get home, have a glass of wine, and relax.

When I finally got home, I noticed something was off from the moment I walked in the door. For the first time all day though, it was off in a good way. Noah was in bed, and my dad and Christian were sitting on the couch with a glass of scotch in hand, chatting like old friends. They were laughing and arguing about the Mariners game that was on TV. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. It was…odd, very odd. They'd always got along fairly well but I don't think I would have ever called them friends. It was more like mutual respect. Even when our marriage was falling apart my dad was supportive and strong, but he would always remind me that problems are very rarely all one person's fault. This was different though, something about how at ease they were with one another struck me. Christian's never at ease around anyone, except maybe his family.

My dad makes his leave almost as soon as I get there. That's odd too but I assume it's to give Christian and I some time to talk. I meant to ask Christian what was going on with my dad, but I never got the chance.

"Alright Annie," my dad says, "I'll see you guys on Wednesday at 11am. He was great tonight and no accidents at all. Remind him Papa was grateful and loves him." He's smiling, probably at his good fortune at **not** having to clean up pee during his stay.

"Thanks dad, I'll tell him. I'm so glad he got all his accidents out with me," I say sarcastically, and then I add, "The joys of being a parent."

He turns to Christian and says, "Christian, it was good to see you son. I'm glad we'll be seeing you regularly." He extends his hand to Christian and when Christian takes it, Ray slaps him on the shoulder affectionately with his other hand, like he would an old friend.

I expect to see Christian freak out as Ray touches him but he doesn't, he looks a tad uncomfortable for a second but that's it.

All he does is say, "Thank you Ray, I couldn't be happier. Thank you for everything."

I have no idea what he's talking about or how on earth he's so comfortable with my dad. Strangest of all, when he says the second 'thank you' he's almost gets choked up, the words are so filled with emotion. He means it; I can hear it in his voice.

My dad turns to me, kisses me on the cheek, and says, "Goodnight Annie. Love you, and I'm so glad you guys have come to your sense," and with that he's gone.

"Christian," I start but I'm interrupted by my ringing cell. I should have just let it go to voicemail; it would have saved so much stress.

I grab it out of my bag and almost hit ignore but I see it's Isaac and I haven't spoken to him since Saturday. I decide to pick-up and tell him I'll call him back in a bit.

"Sorry, I just need to tell him I'll call him back later," I say to Christian.

"Hey," I say into the phone when I answer it. "Christian's here and I just got back from class. Sarah never showed up for office hours like she was supposed to. It's been the worst day; Noah was a monster for me this morning. I'll tell you all about it later. Can I call you back once Christian's gone?" Isaac easily agrees and we hang up. The whole conversation takes less than thirty seconds and was **harmless**.

"Okay, sorry," I say as I put my phone on the kitchen counter and turn towards Christian. "Today has been the worst day. I'm going to grab a glass of wine and then you can tell me how your day was with Noah. Do you need a refill?"

As I stop my rambling, I look up at Christian and see his whole demeanor has changed in the past two minutes. With my dad he was relaxed and open, now his jaw is clenched, as is one of his fists, and he's staring at me. His eyes are narrowed and have the same intensity they had when he first asked me if Noah was his son.

I can see he's trying to calm himself, I think he's silently counting but whatever he's doing, it's not working.

I chose to ignore him in the hopes that he'll get control and be able to explain to me what has pissed him off so badly. I turn and go fix myself a glass of wine, and then go back to the counter, grab his drink and refill it. He clearly needs another drink.

He's still struggling when I hand him his refreshed drink and I've had about all I can take.

"Alright Christian, out with it." I say, when he makes no attempt to talk. "It's been a long day, tell me what's the matter so we can deal with it."

It takes him a minute but finally he says, in a low, strained voice, "Who was on the phone Ana?"

It all makes sense after he ask the question, except now that I understand his problem I have no idea how to deal with it. I want to ignore it completely and just go crawl into bed, but I know that's not an option. There's no way he's just going to drop this.

I'm nervous now; I don't want this to go wrong. We've been doing so well. Finally, I take a few deep breaths to try and calm myself and say,

"His name is Isaac, you saw him on Saturday, he took Noah home so we could talk. We're good friends so I assume he came up in the security reports on Noah and me."

He doesn't look any calmer but his voice comes out deathly calm when he says, "How **good** of friends Ana?" He's barely holding it together.

I'm honestly surprised that he doesn't know this already but Isaac and I didn't really ever show a lot of PDA. I guess it's possible that the security guy didn't know. This is going to kill him but there's no way to soften the blow, I know there's not, and I feel absurdly guilty.

"Christian," I say hesitantly, "I'll tell you everything, but you're not going to like it and I need you to try and hear the whole story and not go off halfcocked.'

I'm not even sure he hears me because all he says is, "**How good** Anastasia."

I look down at my hands before I speak and realize that I'm shaking.

"He was one of the first people I met when I moved here. He's a professor at the college. He had a horrible tragedy in his life and he needed a friend as much as I did."

I stop and try to gather my thoughts. This is Isaac's story, not mine, and I don't like repeating it. It feels like a betrayal to talk about his heartbreaking story with someone he doesn't even know.

Once I'm composed again, I continue, "He had a wife and a three year old daughter who were killed in a car accident, about a year before I moved here. I was pregnant and need a friend and he had lost his family. I think that being there for me helped him heal a bit. I think we helped each other."

Christian doesn't seem shocked by this information and I know then that he already knew the story. I see him soften a bit. He's just met Noah, and the thought of losing him is probably too much to bear. The next part is what will be difficult for him.

I wait a second and continue, "We were friends for a year and a half, just friends, but when Noah was about a year we dated for almost 6 month."

I expect anger, yelling, maybe throwing things. I'm prepared for anger but what I get is so much worse. He doesn't say anything but his face falls and he looks devastated.

I want to hug him, to fix this for him. I know how I felt yesterday when he was talking about trying a vanilla relationship with someone else, or trying to find a sub, and it felt like my world had ended. The idea of him having a vanilla relationship with another woman felt like such a betrayal, even though I knew it wasn't.

"Did you fuck him?" I hear Christian say after a minute. He speaking but he's not really with me. His voice is soft and hard at the same time and he sounds destroyed.

"No Christian, we were both so broken. We probably never should have tried to date but we became so close and we had helped one another so much, it was kind of the next logical step."

His voice is a bit stronger when he speaks again. "Did you love him Ana?" then I hear him say quietly, "My god, **do** you love him?"

For the first time since seeing Christian again, I consider out and out lying to him. In the end, I don't. Instead I say,

"I care about him a great deal and I do love him, in a way, but not the way I loved you. It was never like it was with us. It turned out to be more friendship then anything else. Isaac and I were good for each other; we supported each other and cared for each other when we needed it most. There was never that all consuming passion, never that life changing, soul shaping love. It was never like what we had, not even close."

I hear myself say words like 'loved' and 'had' and I know it's not the first time I've said thinks like that to Christian. I also know that it's not the truth. It's not past tense, not gone. If it were this would be so much easier. We're both quiet for a while, both trying to process I think.

Then I hear Christian say, "You didn't fuck him but you did have a relationship with him. He kissed you and held you, comforted you when you cried, took care of you when you were sick. He touched you."

His voice is getting louder and angrier as he says each word but I'm getting angry now too. He wasn't here and he made that choice.

He repeats the words again, emphasizing each one. "**He. Touched. You**."

When I speak my voice is raised too, but only slightly. Noah is here and I don't want him walking up to us arguing. I can't help the condescending, angry tone I take when I say,

"Yes, he touched me. Yes, he did all those things. That's what people do when they're in a relationship. What the fuck was I supposed to do Christian, you weren't here and I was heartbroken. I was **pregnant** with your child and **alone**. I know I made that choice. I know I did, but it doesn't change the facts. I needed someone and he was here for me, and here for Noah, when you weren't."

When he finally speaks he says, "I don't know how to deal with this Ana." His voice is strained but quieter.

For some reason, that last bit infuriates me. "**You** don't know how to deal with it. Jesus Christian you told me yesterday that you tried vanilla relationships and subs. Can you imaging how **that** felt? I handled it though, you didn't see me flying of the handle screaming at you did you?"

Ironically, I am screaming when I say it now.

"I said I tried Ana. **Tried**. Nothing fucking happened. Can you imagine what **that** feels like? I'm Christian **fucking** Grey for Christ's sake. Fucking was the only thing I was sure I was good at and I couldn't even do that after you left. I tried, went to clubs and tried, but I couldn't."

He's been shouting up until this point but when he continues he's much quieter and obviously embarrassed.

"I came close but every time I thought about the fact that it wasn't you, it felt like a betrayal. I couldn't fucking get it up. I kept thinking about you and the baby, and hating myself for not being there for you. I just…I couldn't do it. I never needed an emotional connection for sex before you. It felt like my body was betraying me."

I'm dumbfounded. When he said he tried I thought he meant that he tried a vanilla relationship and it didn't work, or that he tried a sub, fucked them, but didn't enjoy it. Never in my wildest dreams did I think he wouldn't be able to get it up. Ever.

I can't help it, I smile with relief and then I start laughing. The thought of him with someone else has been killing me. I'm unbelievably relieved.

"That fucking great Ana, laugh it up when I tell you the most embarrassing thing in my life. Thanks for that, thank you."

Shit, I need to explain myself.

"No, Christian no, it's not like that." I pull him to me and hug him. "I'm sorry. It's been killing me since you said you tried yesterday. Killing me, and I was just so relieved that you haven't slept with anyone either."

With that admission he finally puts his arms around me and hugs me back.

"What are we going to do Ana? We're so fucked up," he says shaking his head.

"You have no idea," I say. "I couldn't either, with Isaac. I couldn't. I wanted to, I wanted to be able to move on but every time we got close I would freak out. It was the main reason we went back to being just friends. Neither one of us was ready to move on from out pasts."

He tightens his arms around me and says, "I hate him Ana, and I want to beat the shit out of him. I don't know how to deal with what I feel."

I know where this is going and I need to stop it before it starts. I hug him tightly and then remove myself from his arms so I can look at him.

"We're not going here Christian. You're not going to control this and tell me that I can't be friends with Isaac. He's been in my life a long time and he's a good friend. He's important to me, and he's important to Noah."

Christian's voice is firm and serious when he says, "I don't want him around you Ana. I don't think I can take it. Could you take it if I was friends with an ex-sub?"

I'm not having it and say, "Probably not, but if it was important to you I would try. This is important Christian. Isaac and I are just friends and that's all we've been for a while. You and I aren't together and, even if we were, you don't get to dictate who my friends are."

I know that this will be hard for him and it's asking a lot, but we need to establish these things early. I'm not that 22-year-old girl anymore. I won't be ordered about or walked on.

"Logically, I understand that Ana but fuck, that's asking a lot. I can't just make myself okay with it."

He's being much more open to this then I expected. Baby steps are all I can ask for so I say,

"You can't make yourself ok with it, but that's why you have Flynn. You'll have to talk to him when you're home this week. Maybe next week we can have brunch with Isaac. You guys can get to know each other," I say with ridiculously over exaggerated smile.

Christian huffs and says, "Fuck, fine, whatever, I'll talk to Flynn but that's the extent of my promise right now. Can we please talk about Noah? I need a happy topic to take my mind off this shit."

I know this topic is not over, but in this moment I'm so proud of myself. I've stood my ground.


	9. Shared Father Figures

This chapter has taken me so long to write and I'm still not happy with it. A general note, the_ italic_ section is a flashback to when Ana was pregnant with Noah. Thank you so much for reading and for letting me know what you think. Hopefully the next chapter won't take me nearly as long to write.

Drop me your thoughts if you have time.

**Chapter 9 – Shared Fathers Figures**

I've been looking forward to this weekend for weeks, this is the weekend we're going to tell Noah that I'm his dad. Logically I know he's two, and he probably won't fully understand that I'm his dad for a long time, but being able to tell him means a lot to me. I can't wait to hear him call me dad for the first time.

I'm headed to Ana's now for breakfast. We've had the same routine for the last four weeks. I fly to Charleston late on Friday night and join Ana and Noah for breakfast early Saturday morning. As I wait for Noah to let me in, I see that Ray's just arrived too and we wait at the door together. I know he has a key, and can let us in, but Noah loves to get the door like a big guy.

"Are you ready to do this Christian?" Ray asks smiling.

He knows how happy I am about this. I've talked to Ray once a week, every week, since Ana moved to Charleston. I was surprised when he continued to call every Thursday, even after I met Noah. When I asked about it, he said that we'd talked every Thursday for two and a half years, and he didn't see why that should change because I had met Noah. In fact he said, it seems that I might need him now more then ever.

Ray has become a real friend over the years. He was the only person in my life that knew about Noah, and the only person that I didn't feel like a fraud around. When I think about it now, it's amazing that we got to where we are today from that first phone call.

I was shocked the first time he called; it was about two weeks after he and Ana had moved to Charleston. Ray and I had always respected one another, but we had never been friends and he was very unhappy about how I had behaved at the end of the marriage.

**XX – **_**August 2015, Ana is 4 months pregnant with Noah.**_

_I look at the number three times before I answered it. I was panicked, the only reason Ray would have for calling me would be if something was wrong with Ana._

"_Ray, is everything okay with Ana?" I know my voice is clipped and I sound like an asshole. I didn't even say hello._

"_Of course everything isn't okay with Ana, what kind of question is that? She's heartbroken and in a new city, alone. How do you think she is?" His voice is short too and he's clearly annoyed as he continues saying, "Also, Hello is the way a normal person answers a phone call Christian."_

_I can't deal with this right now. It's only been a week since I added two and two together and realized that Ana's pregnant. I've not even had time to process what that means or what the fuck I should do about it. I'm furious with her, and with myself. I don't need a fucking reminder that she is across the country and I certainly don't need to be reminded that it's my fault that she is. Ray is going to do both._

"_What do you need Ray, I don't have time for this right now," I say. _

_I sound exhausted. All of a sudden I __**am**__ exhausted._

"_What I __**need**__ Christian, is for you to not have been a controlling asshole for the last few years. What I __**need**__ is for my daughter to not cry herself to sleep every night. What I __**need**__ is for you two to get your shit together, admit you still love each other, and figure out what the fuck you're going to do about it."_

_I'm pissed off and I don't even know why, he's right. I don't want to do this and my voice shows it._

"_This is what's best for Ana Ray, it's what she wanted."_

"_That's bullshit and you know it. This isn't what Ana wanted, it's what she had to do to get her life back. You controlled everything after Hyde took her and she lost that baby. She couldn't go out with her friends, you won't let her go into the office, and she couldn't be out of your site. She couldn't breath after a while Christian. She was suffocating."_

_Ray's yelling now but it's not typical pissed off yelling, it's disappointed parent voice. I fucking hate that shit. He should just conference in Grace and Carrick and make my seventh circle complete. _

"_Is there a point to all this Ray, or did you just call to make me feel like shit?" _

_I'm 32 years old. Why is it that no matter your age, disappointing a parent, not even your own makes you feel like such shit?_

"_I'm not an idiot Christian, and neither are you so let's cut the shit. I know when I'm being followed. I've seen that fellow in Seattle, and I've seen him here so I think it's safe to assume he works for you and you know what's going on."_

_I thought I was in the seventh circle of hell before but clearly I was wrong. This is it, and I'm stunned silent that he wants to talk about this. I don't even realize that it happened until I begin to speak, but all the emotions that I've been ignoring about the marriage ending and the pregnancy resurface now._

"_Ray, I thought…she told me that…" I stop there; I don't want to throw Ana under the bus. "I thought that she lost the baby, I didn't figure out that she didn't until last week." I stutter through the whole thing and end very quietly._

_His voice is quiet too when he speaks and for the first time he sounds apologetic instead of angry._

"_She doesn't know I'm calling Christian. She won't talk to me about it and that's not like her at all. The only thing she says is that it's better this way, to start a new life, away from Seattle, away from you. I took a guess that there was a reason she wouldn't talk to me and clearly I was right."_

_I sound defeated when I speak, even to myself._

"_I want to be angry Ray, and part of me __**is**__ angry but mostly I think she's right. They are better there, away from all this. Away from me and all comes with me. They can have a normal life."_

_He sounds so sure of his words when he says, "You're wrong son, no child is better off without both parents in there life."_

"_You said it yourself Ray, in this very conversation. I was suffocating Ana, controlling her every move to the point where she was no longer herself. I did that to the love of my life. I can't do that to my child too. I just…can't" I pause and say, almost to myself, "I love them to much to do that."_

"_Yes you made mistakes with Ana, but that doesn't mean you'll make the same ones with your child. There is so much in you that a child could learn from." He pauses and says, "I think you're going to regret this Christian and I think Ana is too. One day you're both going to wake up and be very sorry about the choices you made."_

"_She doesn't want me in her life Ray. She would have told me the truth about the pregnancy if she did and for once in my life I'm going to respect her decision."_

_I sound resolute for the first time in a while and am almost shocked when I realize I am resolute. I'm going to let Ana do this the way she wants._

_I hear Ray let out a frustrated breath and say, "I'm not happy about this Christian and I'm not just going to let it go, but I will for today. I'll talk to you soon."_

_He hangs up without waiting for a response from me._

**XX**

He called every week after that, slowly and quietly building a relationship and a friendship. He would ask me about my week and each week, without me realizing it, he tried to make me see the good in myself. He encouraged me to talk things through with Flynn and to see past my issues. I didn't recognize it until now but he was trying to make me feel like I'd be good for my son. Any relationship I have with Noah or Ana will be owed, in no small part, to Ray Steele.

"I couldn't be happier Ray and a lot of the credit for this goes to you. I don't think I would be here if it wasn't for you."

As I say it, I realize I mean that more then I've ever mean anything. I'll never be able to thank him enough for all his guidance over the years.

Ray slaps me on the shoulder and says, "No son, you were always going to get here, I just helped you along the way."

As always, Ray brushes off credit for anything.

Ana opens the door then and I see Noah run into the hallway. It's hilarious and terrifying to watch him run, I'm always sure he's going to face-plant at any moment. Having Ray and I both waiting for him seems to put him in some sort of two-year-old overload. He's not sure where to go first.

He stops dead in his tracks and says excitedly, "PAPA and Cistin?"

All three adults laugh as he continues his bewildered stare.

Ana steps in and tries to help saying, "I told you Papa and Christian were both coming for breakfast today. Can you say hello?"

As if someone had turned his switch back on, Noah takes of running, ending up between Ray and I. He grabs one of each of our legs with his chucky little arms and swinging between us.

All the while he's singing, "Yay, Papa and Cistin."

Ray bends down and picks him up. Laughing he says, "Hey there buddy, I think Papa's getting to old for that. Say hi to Christian and then we'll go in and you can show me what's for breakfast?"

Ray goes to hand me Noah but before he even gets to, Noah jumps into my arms.

"Be careful big guy. I can't believe how much I missed you this week. Have you been a good boy for your mom while I was gone?"

I laugh as he vigorously shakes his head yes and tries to hug me at the same time.

"I berry good. I eat all my peas."

He's very enthusiastic as he says it and it makes me wonder what goes through his little head. What would make him chose that particular thing to tell me.

It's amazing to see how comfortable he is getting around me, happy and at ease. It gets a little better each day. I've FaceTimed with Noah almost every night I was in Seattle but I usually only get his attention for about 30 seconds. Mostly it's Ana and I talking about their day, or her following Noah around with the Ipad so I can see what he's up to.

As much as I wish Noah would talk to me a bit more, I'm going to have to thank him one day for not wanting to talk. It has forced Ana and I to have daily conversations and really begin to rebuild our relationship.

"I'm very glad you've been good buddy, I'm so proud of you," I say as I hug him back.

After a few minutes, Ray reaches over and gently takes him from me saying, "Come eat with me Noah while your mom and Christian talk."

He takes Noah and walks by Ana into the house, pausing to kiss her on the cheek and saying, "We'll be in the kitchen when you guys are ready for us."

Ana and I follow Ray and Noah into the house but we stay in the living room when they continue on to the kitchen. As I watch Noah and Ray talk and begin to eat, I realize that I haven't even acknowledged Ana and I'm shocked.

I remember telling Ana, when she got pregnant the first time, that I was afraid she wouldn't have time for us with the baby, that we wouldn't be a priority. I realize now how stupid and selfish that was. Noah being a priority in no way diminishes Ana as one; in fact, it just makes her all the most important.

"Christian" I hear Ana say, "Hello…where were you?"

She's laughing a bit, and waving a hand in front of my face.

"I was just thinking about how stupid I've been over the years." I mumble and then say, pulling her into my arms, " Sorry, I didn't even acknowledge you when I got here. I'm unusually distracted today."

"It's understandable," she says while massaging the back of my neck with her right hand. "It's an important day and that's bound to make you a bit nervous and distracted."

Ana and I have been getting much closer these last few weeks and I'm doing well with her touching me again, but it hasn't moved passed hugs and the occasional lingering touch. Every time we get close, I feel Ana pull away. I've let it go until now, she was right when she said I needed to focus on Noah but we need to deal with what's holding her back. I can't take much more of this.

After we tell Noah I'm his father, Ana and I are going to deal with each other. I'm brought out of my thoughts by Ana saying, "Are you ready to do this Christian?"

I let out a breath and say, "I've been ready to do this for weeks. Thank you for this Ana. I know I've been difficult to deal with where this is concerned."

She laughs while saying, "Yes you have, but you didn't push it when I said no. Baby steps Christian, I know it's hard for you to relinquish control."

We pull away from each other and I get lost in thought once again.

I've brought up telling Noah I'm his dad every week in our family call with Flynn and every week they both tell me to get over myself. They reminded me that waiting a few weeks won't kill me and will be best for Noah. Besides the fact that I get told 'no' very often in the calls, they have been extremely helpful. We've dealt with everything from telling Noah I'm his dad to his name change.

When I first brought it up, I was very nervous to tell Ana I wanted Noah to be a Grey. When she first used his whole name, I had such mixed emotions. I loved that he had Trevelyan as his second name, just like I did, but I wanted him to be a Grey, not a Steele. I loved it even more when Ana told me she had given him the name as a way to honor both my mother and my grandfather because they are so important to me. I realized I had no right to ask Ana to change his name, I wasn't there for them for years, but I couldn't help it.

We do the call every Saturday and when I brought it up last week, it went much better then I ever thought possible. Ana said that she had always wanted him to be a Grey but in South Carolina paternity needs to be established in order to give the child the father's last name. She had even gotten the paper work necessary and said that we could file it once Noah had met my parents.

I shake myself out of my thoughts one last time and say to Ana, "Let's do this, I'm going to follow your lead."

"Alright," she says, "let's go. Just remember what Flynn said Christian. Noah's young so this probably won't sink in for him. I'll take him a while to call you dad."

I can hear the caution in her voice; she doesn't want me to be hurt when he doesn't immediately switch to calling me dad. Flynn and I have spoken about this a lot, he's clearly worried too.

"I know it'll take a while Ana. It's fine, I promise."

With that, Ana and I turn and head into the kitchen with my hand on her back. Once we get there, Noah and Ray have finished eating so we join them at the table. Noah has yogurt all over his face, as well as strawberries and oatmeal.

"Noah," Ana says, sounding upbeat and happy. "Where is my dad?"

Noah gets all excited, point to Ray and says, "Papa is you dad."

I'm shocked that he even knows that and I look at Ana questioningly.

She smiles and says, "We been talking about moms and dads a bit."

Then she turns to Noah and continues, "Very good buddy, and you're right, Papa is my dad. Do you remember what else we said about dads?"

When she stops, Ray continues, "Dads take care of you, they make you happy when you're sad, they love you and they make you smile."

With that Ray learns forward and kisses Ana on the cheek.

Ana smiles and says, "So Papa is my dad, but who is your dad?" She only waits a second and answers his confused look by point at me and saying, "Christian is your dad."

I pick him up and do my best to sound happy and relaxed like Ana and Ray did.

"I'm your dad, just like Papa is mama's dad. That means that I'm going to love you and take care of you, hug you and play with you, and tickle you."

When I say tickle at the end, I tickle his little stomach and he giggles. I know he doesn't understand what we've just told him, but hopefully he will soon.

He's laughing and says, "I get down now Cistin. We go play, pease."

Well, at least I know he understood part of it. I'm surprisingly not disappointed. I guess all the preparing that Ana and Flynn have done paid off.

Ray picks him up off my lap and says, "I'll go wash him up and then you guys can play and have some family time."

Once he's taken Noah to wash-up, Ana says, "I think that went well. Now we just have to reinforce the idea like Flynn said. When I ask him about you, I'll use both your name and dad for now and eventually we'll just use dad. Are you feeling okay about everything?"

"I feel great Ana, it feels like a weight has been lifted off of me. I know that he doesn't understand it yet, but I hope he will soon. Thank you for talking to him about parents, I think that helped."

I'm so relieved that we've told him. It feels like we can really begin to move forward as a family now. With all the relief I feel, I lean forward and gently pull Ana forward as well, putting my hand behind her neck. For the first time, she doesn't pull back or resist as I gently brush my lips against hers.

Once we make the connection, all bets are off. I pull her in closer and deepen the kiss, somewhere in the back of my mind I know that we don't have long before Ray comes back but I can't stop myself. Ana seems to be having the same issue as she runs her fingers roughly through my hair and pulls me in closer. At some point, she's slid forward on her chair and she's almost straddling my lap. I run my tongue along her bottom lip and just as I'm about to slide her completely onto my lap I hear Ray clear his throat.

That effetely acts as a bucket of ice water on both of us and we immediately break apart. Ana is beet red and when I look up at Ray I see that he's laughing.

"I left Noah to play in his room and apparently that was a good decision. If I leave, do you two think you can be trusted around one another without making Noah a little brother or sister? I'd like another grandchild but it might be a bit soon, don't you think?"

He's smirked through his whole speech and has taken great joy in our embarrassment.

Ana stands up first, and I quickly follow when she says, "Okay enough Dad. I'm glad we could provide you with some amusement. Thank you for your help today, Noah and I will see you on Monday."

She gives him a quick hug and then he comes over to me and says, "You did well Christian, I'm proud of both of you. I always knew you'd get here and I'm so glad I was here to see it."

With that he shakes my hand and heads out.

Ana is looking at me funny when I turn around and she says, "I meant to ask you this when you were here the first week but with everything going on, I forgot. You and my dad seem closer then I remember. Was that the first time you'd seen him since the divorce, that Monday a few weeks ago?"

Ray and I have spoken about this quite a few times in the last few weeks, so I know what I'm going to say to her but it's not a conversation I want to have in front of Noah.

"It wasn't the first time Ana, but it's probably a conversation that we should have when Noah's napping.

She look shocked and pissed and says, "Fine, and as long as we're talking about things that we need to talk about during Noah's nap, we should add brunch with Isaac to the list. You've been avoiding it for weeks so I took it upon myself to schedule it without you. We're meeting him tomorrow morning at 11am.

Now I'm pissed, I've been avoiding this for a reason, so I say, "Alight, we'll talk once he's asleep. I'm going to go play with him for a bit."

As I walk into Noah's room, I begin wonder what the fuck happened in the last 5 minutes.


	10. Shared Advance

I never understood it when authors said they were intending to do something with a chapter, but the characters took them other places. I get it now. I swear this was not where I intended to go with this chapter. I thought we'd happily fight over Isaac and Ray. That's been saved for another day I guess. This chapter is very Flynn heavy so be warned. Also, there is question at the end.

Thanks so much to everyone who is reading and reviewing. The reviews really do help and I appreciate them all. I know some of you were torn about Ray and Christian and I understand why. Nothing is black and white and if it were, it wouldn't be fun to write or read.

A special thanks to the guest review last chapter who left one of the nicest reviews I've ever gotten. I wish you were signed in so I could thank you! Also, thanks to DottiG. She always leaves helpful reviews and has been great to chat with too.

**Chapter 10 – Shared Advance**

"How many times do I have to say it Christian, **I don't want to talk about it.** I'm not sure how much clearer I can be. I'm not talking about Ray with Flynn, end of story."

I'm tried and angry and I want to scream at him but we're walking back from brunch, and he's carrying our sleeping child, so that's not an option at the moment. It will be once we're home though; I'm making sure of it. Christian is smirking and that just pisses me off more. I know I'm being childish; I just don't care at the moment.

Christian replies saying, "I know you don't **want** to talk about it Ana but I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I very rarely, if ever, **want** to talk about the things we do in therapy. That's kind of the point of it, isn't it?"

He's being a condescending ass about this and is taking **way** to much joy in my irrational behavior.

"I don't know why you're enjoying this so much, I'm pissed at you too," I spit out.

Christian smiles and says, "I'm very well aware that you're pissed. I wouldn't say I'm **enjoying** it exactly, but we have about 15 minutes until we have to call Flynn. At that point, I have to rehash brunch **AND** the issues with Ray and I know the tables are about to turn. It's very rare that I am the one being rational about something and you aren't."

I stop when we get to my building and say, clearly annoyed, "In other words, you're enjoying it."

Christian follows me into the building, and then into the elevator. Rolling his eyes and smirking he says, "Maybe a bit."

He's right about one thing; this conversation with Flynn is going to be a mess. I might as well enjoy the few minutes of calm between the shit show that today has been and will be.

"You know," I say smiling, "rolling your eyes used to warrant corporal punishment in this relationship."

I didn't think about that before I said it and that's never good. Immediately I see two problems, one, we're in an elevator and two, that single sentence got both of us thinking about the playroom. Trapped in an elevator and turned on is not a good combination in an ambiguous, complicated relationship for two people that haven't had sex in years.

Christian's eyes widen as he cocks his eyebrow and begins walking toward me. It's a very small elevator; I have nowhere to go and am instantly backed up against the wall.

His voice is deep and forceful when he speaks and he's so close to me I can feel his breath as he leans in. The tension coming off him is so thick it's almost palpable when he says,

"That can be arranged Ana, it's been avery long time. Are you volunteering?"

I hear my breath hitch and feel my entire body flush. I know I should stop this, we still have so much to deal with, but he's to close and he smells amazing, I can't think clearly.

Instead I whisper, "It wasn't me that rolled my eyes, are you volunteering?"

I feel him smirk against my neck, and then he starts to slowly kiss up the side of my neck until his mouth is at my ear. When he gets there he stops, and gently bites my earlobe and then softy says,

"At this point Anastasia, I'd pretty much volunteer for anything you want."

The thought of Christian volunteering for anything I want makes my knees go week, and it's not helping that he's kissing and nipping his way from my ear to the corner of my mouth. My body can't take this, it's been to long and this is too much.

Just as he gets to my mouth, and start to really kiss me, I see Noah stir a bit in his arms and that reality comes back with a vengeance. I start to think about brunch and Ray and I can't do this.

Brunch was a disaster from the moment we sat down. Christian was outrageously jealous, which I expected but Isaac didn't help things by being hostel, which Christian took as jealous and that made him ten times worse. I felt like he spent the entire brunch peeing all over Noah and I. Five minutes in I wanted to kill him and leave.

"Christian," I say gently and when nothing happens I say it again a bit louder and I gently push him away, "Christian, Stop."

He takes one step back but otherwise doesn't move. He's looking at the ceiling and breathing heavily when he says,

"Jesus Christ Ana, seriously? What is the problem? Do you not want this? I don't get it. You even started it this time?"

I feel tears start to form in my eyes. I don't know what my problem is but he's right, every time we've started something in the last month, I've stopped it. Maybe it's been to long, maybe I'm not capable of being intimate anymore.

My voice is shaky as I start to say, "I don't know why I keep stopping." I'm interrupted as the elevator door opens.

Christian turns away from me and walks out of the elevator saying, "I don't know either Ana but this just went straight to the top of Flynn's list because if we can't figure this out, I'm not sure how we can figure out anything."

I walk pass Christian to let him into the apartment and once I do he heads straight to Noah's room. He doesn't come out until it's time to call Flynn. I know Noah didn't wake-up, I would have heard him on the monitor. Christian is avoiding me and trying to cool off. Which is fine, I need to try and get my thoughts together before the call too.

Christian dials Flynn on the Ipad and after we get the pleasantries out of the way, Flynn says,

"Okay Christian, Ana, I know there has been a lot of developments this week. I've read both of your emails from yesterday, why don't we start with the situation with Ray.

Christian interrupts him and says, "We do need to talk about Ray and Isaac," he says Isaac's name with such contempt that I would laugh at his dramatics if I wasn't so nervous. "Right now I need to talk about Ana and I."

Flynn writes something on his pad, and then looks up at us and says, "Okay Christian, what is it you feel you need to talk about?"

Christian begins to tell Flynn about the number of times, over the last month, that we've gotten physically close and I've pulled away, ending with today in the elevator."

Once Christian's done, John addresses me.

"Ana," he says kindly, "what do you think is making you pull away from Christian?"

I've been thinking about this a lot over the last few weeks, today isn't the first time it's happened, but I don't know what it is. When I take a while before answering, Christian says,

"Maybe she doesn't want this and she doesn't know how to tell me. She was the one that wanted the divorce."

He sounds annoyed and nervous but Flynn isn't having it and unhappily says,

"Is your name Ana, Christian? Perhaps that's something else we need to discuss. If it's not, I ask that you respect that the question was directed at Ana, and let her answer it."

Flynn's scolding seems to work and Christian huffs but stops talking. Something about the scolding, in combination with Christian's comment about the divorce, and me not wanting the relationship, finally connects the dots in my head.

"Ana?" Flynn says.

I take a deep breath, I've been playing with my hands and trying to figure out how to say this. I finally look at John and say quietly,

"We've not talked about it. We've been talking to you at least once a week, usually more, and sending you emails throughout the week with other issues and we've not talked about it at all. We've talked about Noah, and our mistakes with him. We've talked about how we want our relationship to be with him and what we both want where he's concerned, but we've not talked about it."

When I look at Flynn he looks please but all I see when I look at Christian is confusion.

Flynn smiles gently and says, "I was wondering when this would come up. Ana, I think Christian may need a bit more of an explanation."

Now that I know what my issue is, I feel much better. I turn to Christian and say,

"I didn't know what was holding me back Christian, I thought maybe I wasn't capable of being intimate anymore."

I'm clearly emotional about it and that has Christian interrupting.

"Ana," Christian starts gently but Flynn stops him and says,

"Christian, give Ana a second please."

Christian huffs at Flynn once again but then gestures for me to continue so I say,

"We been so focused on Noah in these sessions, which was the right thing to do, but we've never talked about the divorce, or what cause it. Those issues didn't just disappear Christian, no matter how much we loved each other. They're still here and every time we get into a situation where those jealous, controlling tendencies come out, like today with Isaac, or finding out that you and my dad have been taking every week since the divorce, I get scared and pull back."

I want to stop there but I know I need to put it all on the line if we're going to get anywhere so I continue.

"It's not that I don't want a relationship with you, I do very much, but I don't want the **same relationship** we had all those years ago. And I don't think there's a way to avoid that unless we deal with the issues we had…have."

"Christian," Flynn says, "how do you feel about what Ana has just said?"

Christian petulantly says, "I fucking hate when you ask me that questions."

Flynn smiles and says, "I'm well aware of that all after all these year, but it's yet to stop me asking so perhaps you could give it a go."

Christian exhales and runs his hand over his face for a second and then says,

"I guess I thought we were starting over. I didn't think that those issues needed to follow us as we began again. I've been trying to so hard to be different this time, to not control everything and to let Ana have control of her own life. For fuck's sake, I even went to meet Mr. Pompous Professor Asshole this morning, what more can I do?"

I don't wait for John to ask me my thoughts this time. I jump right in and say exasperatedly,

"That's just is Christian, you did meet _**Isaac**_ this morning, and you have been so much less controlling and jealous but it could have been the you from 4 years ago at brunch this morning. You were an asshole and you know it. I felt like a toy you were fighting over, not a person."

"That's bullshit Ana, the me from four years ago would have flat out refused to meet him and would have refused to let you continue your friendship with him. If **that **man had met _**Isaac **_at breakfast, he would have punch him and left with both you and Noah."

He right about how he would have reacted years ago, and it makes me see how far he's come but I'm not sure if it's far enough. That thought scares me and I say quietly,

"You're right, you've changed a lot but..." I stop there but Flynn knows there's more and he's waiting for me to finish. "I'm scared to go back to that life, I don't know what it will mean for me and for Noah."

I say it quietly but Christian explodes, standing up and saying,

"If that's the case, what the fuck are we even **doing** Ana."

I wasn't expecting to go here today, I though we were going to deal with the Ray situation and with Isaac which were bad enough but this feels like everything's rides on it. It dangerous.

Flynn speaks up then and says, "Christian, you know full well that in order to deal with things, we have to be brutally honest in these session. That will mean there will be things that come out that neither of you will want to hear. The only way to move past them is to deal with the truth."

Christian falls back into the couch with a huff and I'm relieved he's not leaving.

"Let's go back to the first thing we were talking about, and deal with things from there. Do you both agree that you would like to move your relationship from where it is now to a more intimate one?"

He waits until we both say, "Yes," and then continues.

"Christian, you assumed that since you were starting over, the past issues you had would be void, is that correct?"

Christian answers by saying, "I didn't think we'd pretend they never happened but I thought we'd start fresh, yes."

Flynn shakes his head and says, "If you apply that logic to other areas we've discussed over the years, does it hold?" When Christian doesn't immediately answer he says, "When you started a relationship with Ana the first time, did your past issues with intimate relationships cease to exist because you were starting a different kind of relationship with Ana?"

I can see a light bulb go off in his head when he says, "You know they didn't, but what's the point of trying again if what I've done in the past will always be there?"

He turns to me saying, "Ana can you address Christian's concerns?"

I think about it for a few minutes and say, "I'm not sure if I can, he's right. He's changed and is still trying to change and if I can't accept that, that's my issue. Isn't it?"

He doesn't answer my question; instead he asks me, "What is it that you said at the beginning of the session? What's holding you back?"

Now I start to see where he's going. I'm relieved that it's making sense and so I say,

"That we hadn't really worked through the issues from the past."

Flynn seems happy and well and says, "And if we outline those issues and deal with them, do you think you can eventually move past them?"

I feel so much better once he says this because I realize I can. What I need is to voice the issues and deal with them head on and then we can move forward.

I let out cleansing breathe and say, "Yes, I think so." I can actually hear the relief in my voice.

"Christian?" Flynn says.

I can see that Christian is nervous, he doesn't want to do this, to relive all that painful stuff from the past and neither do I, but I think it's the only way. I lean over and take his hand, trying to show him a bit of support.

"I don't want to go back there," he finally says. "I'm afraid once we do, Ana will realize how fucked up I was, am, and she won't want this."

I tighten my grip on his hand and reach up to stroke his face saying, "That won't happen Christian, you're what I want. I just want to make sure that we do a better job of it this time, so it's forever."

He looks defeated but says, "Fine, lets get this over with."

Now that we're really doing this I'm petrified. I know this is going to hurt both of us and I don't want that.

I have no choice but to begin when Flynn says, "Ana, can you tell me the three biggest issues that led to the dissolution of your marriage?"

My hand is still in Christian's and now it's me that needs the support from it. I take a few moments to collect my thoughts and say,

"The first thing was that Christian needed to control everything."

When I stop, Flynn says, "Can you expand on how that need for control made you feel?"

Oh god, here goes.

"It wasn't just that I had security, I had always had some security with Christian, it was that I had 2 or 3 guys all the time. I couldn't go anywhere alone. It got oppressive after the kidnapping and then we lost the baby. After that he wouldn't let me work from the office. I had to give up Grey Publishing because no one can effectively run a company from home. I wasn't allowed to go out without him; I couldn't meet my friends for a drink. I felt like I went from a 21 year old college student to a 70 year old shut-in within a year."

I'm surprised at the pain that comes back when I talk about that time in our life. I feel anxious, trapped, and angry just like I did then. When I don't move on, Flynn says,

"Okay, that's one. What's next? We'll deal with all three at the end."

I look at Christian to see what he's feeling and I can see the pain in his face, he doesn't look angry, he looks ashamed.

My voice is shaky as I continue, "My age, I guess or more specifically my inexperience. I was so young when we met. I hadn't really come into myself and I didn't know how to deal with everything that came with Christian. I didn't really know who I was alone and the control didn't' ever allow me to figure it out once we were together. I was so naive and when I started to be unhappy I didn't know how to deal with it so I didn't. I didn't tell Christian how much I hated what was happening until it was to late. I flat out refused to talk to you about it when he asked. I just shut down.

Now I'm ashamed. I've spent the last four years telling myself that everything that happened was Christian's fault, but it was mine too and I know it. I want to stop there but I know I can't. We need to get it all out.

"Lastly I guess, we stopped having sex and he stopped letting me touch him. We stopped going into the playroom, stopped all the kinky stuff and never really talked about why. In the last 6-month of our marriage we probably had sex a handful of times. He wouldn't even let me hug him. I know I started it; I refused him a few times and after while he stopped asking. I was miserable and I just couldn't…"

I'm tearing up now, and my voice is cracking. It's so painful to relive all of that and when I look at Christian he looks pale and withdrawn.

"Thank you Ana, I can imagine that was quite difficult." Flynn pauses to give us time to digest and then starts again. "It seems there are two main issues that came out of that: Christian, your need for extreme control when you feel things have gone wrong, and Ana, your inability to communicate your issues and feelings. Does that seem fair?"

We both shake our heads, it seems neither one of us can speak.

"Christian," Flynn continues, "with your permission, I'd like to tell Ana a bit about our sessions over the last year or so. Are you okay with that?"

"Of course, tell her whatever you think she needs to know."

I'm surprised when he agrees so easily.

"Ana, the reason I asked you about your issues in the marriage but I didn't ask Christian his is because he and I have talked a great deal about it. The good news," he says smiling "is that your issues line up almost exactly. Christian has been working on his need to control, and I think you've seen some of the results of that."

I interrupt him saying, "I know he has, I have seen it and intellectually I do know he's different now. But I'm still scared."

Christian still has one of my hands, and he's rubbing my back with the other when he says, "I'm scared too Ana, shitless. Every second of the day I'm scared I'm going to fuck this up again."

I lay my head on his chest, and he pulls me in, hugging me. I knew this session was going to be difficult, but it ended up being difficult for a completely different reason then I thought. I'm emotionally drained and I know Christian is too.

After giving us a few minutes, Flynn says, "Ok you two, that's about enough for today. I don't want to overload you and we may have already done that. I'd like to see you each individually this week and then we'll do our regular joint session next Saturday. In the mean time, Christian, I'd like you to go to Charleston a day early next week. You both have said that you wish to start over but you haven't actually stared over yet. Go on a date, have fun with each other. Do something you both enjoy. Be young. Don't talk about issues or even Noah, get to know each other again."

He stops and laughs and says, "That's an order! I know we still need to deal with Isaac and with Ray and we will, but this is a good start. I'm happy with both of you."

With that, we arrange individual sessions for during the week and end the call.

We sit in each other's arms for a very long time without speaking, the weight of everything we just relived sitting heavy in the room. I know Flynn said not to talk about our issues this week but I can't help it, I turn toward Christian and we both say, at the same time,

"I'm sorry."

Christian smiles, and then I do too and we both start laughing. He looks at his watch and says,

"Do you think we should tell him we made it a whole 22 minutes before ignoring him?"

"I'm not sure he'd be surprised." I say laughing in response. "I think he's right though, we're both at fault. We can deal with that in therapy but in order to move on, we need to get to know each other again."

"I'll work it out and come back Thursday night next week, and I'd like to plan the activity too. Are you okay with that?"

I lean up and gently brush my lips against his and say, "I'm fine with that, it gives me one less thing to do this week."

**XX**

**We're almost to the point that the Grey's learn about and meet Noah, if you have thoughts about how they'll react, Kate and Grace especially, I'd love to hear them. **


	11. Shared Compromise

A lot of the reviews last chapter were disappointed that you didn't see the brunch scene between Isaac and Christian. You were always going to see it, but Dr. Flynn got in the way. Thank you all for continuing to read and review. I appreciate all the time your taking on my story.

Just as before, scenes in_ italics_ are flashbacks. I can't wait to hear what people think of Isaac.

**Chapter 11 – Shared Compromise**

"I wasn't **that** bad Ana, you're over reacting."

I wished I hadn't said it the second it was out of my mouth, but it was too late. She's getting Noah ready for bed as we have this conversation and she's already frustrated. Noah's supposed to be getting into bed but he's ignoring both of us. Instead he's running around pretending to be an airplane.

"You know for as smart as you are, sometimes I really question your common sense. You **were** that bad Christian. Also, just FYI, telling the woman you're trying to date that she's over reacting to something is **never **a good idea."

She gets up off the bed after that, walking over to grab Noah as he runs away giggling. He has his arms out while spitting, trying to make propeller noises.

I've only been here an hour, it was a long flight and the last thing I want to talk about is Isaac but it seems I have no choice because Ana has just informed me that if I want to take her out tomorrow, he's watching Noah. Adding that when he's here, I need to behave better then I did at brunch.

"First, I'm not **trying** to do anything. We are dating, or will be come tomorrow. Second, I don't understand why Ray can't do it."

I say in a huff as she picks Noah off the floor and hugs him.

"Okay bud, time for bed. Do you want to pick out a book to read before you go to sleep?"

She's ignoring my question and it's pissing me off. I don't ask rhetorical things.

Noah interrupts my thoughts by saying, "No seep mama, I Cistin pane."

Ana laughs and sets him on the ground and I can't help but smile too. I told him a few minutes ago that I got here in my plane and I guess it stuck. I'm still sitting on him bed waiting for my answer but instead Ana addresses Noah.

"You can be daddy's plane, but daddy's plane is asleep in its hanger right now, and you need to be asleep in your bed."

Noah's yet to call me dad, and I want to correct him when he says Christian but Flynn says not to. He keeps saying that Noah will get there in his own time and that I need to be patient. I swear to God, sometimes it's like he doesn't know me at all.

"Ana," I say clearly annoyed, "you didn't answer my question."

She continues to ignore me and says, "Go pick out a book Noah," and then turns to me, equally annoyed, saying, "I realize that. I'm ignoring your question because you already know why Ray can't do it. He's working tomorrow. Plus, I don't want to have this conversation with Noah here."

I do know Ray is working tomorrow, but I don't think that's the only reason he's not watching Noah. Ana has been ignoring him since she found out that he and I have been speaking weekly for the last few years. She wouldn't talk about it after I told her and she's yet to say anything to Ray either.

I've brought it up, and so has Ray, trying to get her to talk about it but she just ignores it and pretends we haven't said anything. Ray says that she's pleasant when he comes to watch Noah, thanks him and asks how the day was but that's it.

I know we need to deal with it, but there are so many things we need to deal with right now, I guess this one will have to take a number.

"That gives you about 15 minutes then Ana so enjoy it because we need to talk about Isaac watching him tomorrow. I don't like it and I wasn't that bad at brunch."

Noah and Ana both come back to his bed with a book about saying goodnight to the moon and Noah crawls into bed with me. As Ana begins to read, Noah snuggles up next to me and I begin to think about brunch last week. I've talked to Flynn about it and I don't think I was poorly behaved; apparently I'm the only one that thinks that.

**XX**

_I tried to have Ana cancel this several times but she wouldn't do it. In fact, she wouldn't even consider the idea. This weekend has been stressful enough and I'm not sure how adding this brunch will help at all._

_Ana's reaction to Ray and my relationship was not what I expected. After Noah went down for his nap, she came back out and said,_

"_So if that Monday wasn't the first time you've spoken to my father, when was?"_

_So…no preamble to this conversation I guess. I explained to her how Ray had called the first time, and then weekly after that. I explained that it wasn't anything that was planed, it just sort of happened. I said that Ray was trying, in his own subtle way, to make me see that I needed to step up and be a father, that I was capable of it. I told her how much his talks have meant to me over the years, and how much they continually mean, saying that I consider him one of my closest friends._

_When I was finished, we both sat there quietly. Through out the entire conversation she looked stunned, and on more then one occasion, teary. I couldn't tell what she was feeling and it scared the shit out of me. I couldn't take it after about 10 minutes of silence and started to say,_

"_Ana, I'm sorry. I was selfish; I needed Ray's support and guidance. I never…" _

_She interrupts me by placing her hand on my knee and says,_

"_I need some time before we talk about this Christian. I wasn't expecting that and I'm…I need some time to think it through." _

_That was it, she got up from the couch and went to clean up the kitchen and we've not spoken about it since. I tried a few times, and she just looked frustrated and ignored the question._

_So here we are, going to brunch with a man I have no desire to meet or get to know at all, after all that. Just what I want to do today, I can't fucking wait. _

_We're going to some restaurant on the water, which is apparently one of the only places to eat on the water downtown. I do not understand that at all. Charleston is basically surrounded by water, how is that even possible? _

_Both Sawyer and Taylor are with us at Ana's request. I was shocked when she asked that they come, apparently she's worried about my behavior. I've been extremely lax out security here. Ana and Noah still don't have CPOs. When they go out, Keller the guy that's been doing surveillance for years is not far from them but they have no personal protection right now. Ana and I talked about it and she met Keller and liked him, so she agreed to have him around if she needs him._

_That will have to change once he meets my parents, and the media in Seattle get a hold of the story, but I don't want that for them. They're happy here and I want to keep it that way for as long as possible._

_Isaac's already there when the hostess shows us to our seat and that annoys the shit out me. One look at him and you can tell Ana clearly has a type. He's sitting there pompously staring out into the water with a drink in his hand. He stands as we get to the table and I see he's my height and build, with blue eyes and darker blonde hair. We almost have the exact same clothes on, dark jeans and light grey shirts. His clothes are clearly expensive and one word out of his mouth tells me that he's a Londoner, and clearly from money._

_I don't know why I didn't notice this when I met him the first time, probably because I was too busy wanting to kill him. I'm already annoyed, just looking at him, and then Noah sees him and tries to jump out of my arms to run to him. He's just squirming at first, but when I don't let him down he says,_

"_Down Cistin, down. I see Issic,"_

_It has never hurt for him to call me Christian instead of Dad, not really, but it does in that moment. I want so much for him to want to say with me and call me dad. It was physically painful for me to set him down and watch him run excitedly to Isaac. _

_Isaac bends down to pick him up and says, _

"_Hey there Ace, you alright? I've not seen you all week. I've missed you."_

_Intellectually, I know that Isaac asking Noah if he's 'alright' is just an English way of saying 'how are you' but it pisses me off anyway. I want to punch him and it's only been 1 minuet. Of course Noah is okay._

_He stands up with Noah in his arms extends his hand saying, _

"_Isaac Michelson." _

_His voice is sharp and that annoys me too, so I reply in kind._

"_Christian Grey."_

_Ana looks between both of us and rolls her eyes. Isaac leans in to kiss her on the cheek and I see her freeze. It's clear from his reaction that this is how they normally great one another, but with me here Ana doesn't seem to know what to do._

_I put my hand on her lower back to try and keep her from leaning it but it doesn't work. He pecks her on the cheek as Ana does the same and that prompts me to instantly pull her back into my side. She looks between the two of us and says, with a fake cheerful smile,_

"_I would like to remind both of you that Noah is here, and that you are both successful, well educated __**adults**__ who should act accordingly." _

_As we sit down, Isaac keeps Noah in his lap, with them on one side of the table and Ana and I on the other. I want her as far from him as humanly possible. Everything he does only serves to piss me off further. When the waitress comes to get our drink orders, he asks her to bring a highchair for Noah. He's my son; I should be taking care of him. Next he starts asking Ana about her week at work they happily chat about classes and students. He's a fucking English Lit. Professor, or course he is._

_Five minutes in and I want to leave. Actually strike that, I never wanted to come. It's a good thing is social acceptable to have a drink at brunch. _

_Once he and Ana catch-up, he turns to me and says,_

"_So Christian, I'm glad we've finally get to meet, officially. Ana has told me a lot about you. Ana and Noah are really important to me, and I know they are to you too so I think it's good that we're getting to know each other. Don't you?_

_I don't like how he emphasizes 'a lot'__and I start to wonder what Ana has told him. _

"_**My family**__ is extremely important to me. Ana has told me a lot about your relationship as well. I'm glad to know that they have good __**friends**__ here to look out for them._

_I can help it, I smirk when I say it. He wants to play this game, fine I'll happily play. _

"_Christian," Ana says with a warning in her voice. "Let talk about something else, shall we."_

_We both ignore her and Isaac continues, "That's the thing Christian, I know how important a family is, and they were your family. What I don't understand is how a man that has a family, especially one as amazing as yours, abandons them for years. Since you ignored them once, how can I be sure you're not going to do it again."_

_I can't believe this asshole just has the nerve to go there with me. He doesn't know me. He can go fuck himself. I start to stand up and tell him so when Ana puts her hand on my leg to stop me._

_Ana's voice is quiet, but deadly serious when she looks at us and says,_

"_That's enough. This is supposed to be a nice brunch. I understand that this is difficult for both of you but you're both important to Noah and I so you need to learn to get along. If you want to fight it out, do it on your own time." _

_The waitress comes with Noah's highchair as well as some crayons and paper for him and takes our order, effectively diffusing the situation. It last for about 30 seconds until she asks what we would like for Noah. Isaac speaks up and starts to order for him but I'm not having it._

"_I think Ana or I should order for __**our son**__." I say interrupting him._

_I don't know who this asshole thinks he is, but this is my family. Part of me knows that I should be thankful for him. He was here for them when I wasn't. I know that that's how I __**should **__feel but in this moment I don't. This dick is trying to take my place and I'm not having it. _

_He concedes saying, "Please, by all means." _

_He's smiling when he says it, probably because he knows that I've not been around long enough to know what Noah will eat. Thankfully, I'm not that easily flustered and turn to Ana, rubbing her back gently and saying, _

"_What do you think we should get him babe?"_

_She's just about had enough of this and rolls her eye at me as she orders for Noah. _

_Things go fairly well as we eat our meal. Ana has given me the evil eye enough to know that I need to try and play nice, so I ask Professor Pompous where he's from in London and what brought him to the states, and then promptly ignore him as he answers._

_As we finish eating, Noah is sitting in his highchair coloring and he asks Isaac to hand him a blue crayon that is just out of his reach. _

_Isaac picks up a red crayon and hands it to Noah and he laughs._

"_No Issic, that red."_

"_Oops, sorry Ace, how about this one?" He hands him the green one._

"_Nooo, that geen"_

"_You're right, you're so smart Ace. Here's the blue one."_

_I hear Ana ask Noah if he can tell Isaac thank you, but I'm focused on other things. I've heard him call Noah Ace a few times each time it angers me a bit more, I hate that he's closer to my son then I am. Hate it, even if it is my own fault._

_I've tried to be quiet after our initial blowup but I'm at my limit when I say,_

"_His name is Noah, perhaps you could learn to use it." _

_When he replies, he's thoughtful but to me it just sounds like condescension._

"_I've called him Ace since the night he was born. I'm not sure how it started. He was so good, right from the beginning and was born about 1 am. I think I joked that he was aces and it just stuck." He pauses and says, "Do you remember if that's when it started Ana?"_

_He rubbing it in that he's been there the whole time and I haven't and as much as I want to kill him for it, I'm actually more hurt then angry._

_Ana realizes what he's doing too and I see her eyes narrow at Isaac before saying,_

"_Okay you guys, that's enough for one day. I know this isn't going to be easy, but you're going to have to learn to get along. Christian, we should get Noah home for his nap." _

_She gets up to pick-up Noah and both Isaac and I say, at the same time, I'll get the check. There's no way I'm letting this guy get the check. Never going to happen. _

_After she gets Noah out of his chair, Ana hands him to Isaac and says, "Say goodbye to Isaac buddy, we'll see him this week." She then turns to look between Isaac and I and continues, "I took care of the check before we got here. I've met both of you, there was no way I'd put Noah and I through that fight." _

_I stand and take Noah from Isaac saying curtly, "Isaac." _

"_Christian," he replies equally as coolly._

_Ana leans in and hugs him and says,_

"_I'll see you later in the week. Thank you for this, I know it wasn't fun for either of you but I think it's important that you guys try to get along."_

_It's finally over. We leave, heading to Ana's apartment with me thinking that I deserve some sort of metal for not hitting that fucker._

**XX**

I'm brought out of my thoughts just as Ana finishes the book. Noah is out cold, sleeping peacefully against my shoulder.

"I think I'll just say in here with Noah for the night," I say with a grin.

She shakes her head and says, "I don't think so Mr. Grey, you wanted to talk about this so let's go."

She's standing on my side of the bed and offers me her hand to pull me out of bed.

"Come on Gramps, having a hard time getting out of bed?" She's smiling now, as she extends her hand and pulls me up.

Before lying down and reading with Noah I wanted to have this conversation. After thinking back to brunch, I'm not so sure I do. I kiss Noah goodnight and then follow Ana out of his room.

"Ana," I whine, "it's been a long day and I've only just got here. Do we have to talk about this **now**?"

She turns around and laughs at me, "You look just like Noah when you pout and you're kidding me right? You're the one that said, 'that gives you about 15 minutes then Ana so enjoy it because we need to talk'."

She does her best impression of me when she says it and it's ridiculous, and adorable.

She's not relenting as she walks into the kitchen to pour us glasses of wine. Without a word, she hands me both glasses and follows me back to the couch. Once we're both seated, her glass of wine in hand, she scoots close, putting her head on my shoulder and leaning into me.

Once she's comfortable I say, "It's going to be kind of difficult to have a serious conversation like this, don't you think?"

She looks up at me and grins saying, "I'm counting on it."

I'd love to tell her she's wrong, but we've just tucked out son into bed and are now essentially cuddling on the couch. If we were having sex right now, I'd have everything I'd want.

"I don't want him watching Noah, Ana. He wants to take you and Noah away from me and I'm not dealing with him. I know you think I was an ass at brunch, but he was too. I don't want him near either of you. We've talked about this before, it's like me asking you to spend time with an ex-sub."

Surprisingly, her voice isn't raised when she answers me but she's talking to me like I don't understand English, slow and controlled.

"First, he doesn't want to take me away from you. Isaac and my relationship wasn't just hard for me Christian, he wanted to end it too. We're more like siblings now, imagine how you would treat Mia's ex if they had the history we do. He was hard on you at brunch but can't you understand why? He lost his family and had no control over it. You and I voluntarily gave up ours. He always been upset with me about it too."

She pauses but clearly has a lot more to say. I think she's wrong about Isaac, but this isn't the time to bring it up. When she starts again I see a lot more emotion in her face. Whatever's coming next is difficult for her.

"Second, you **did** ask me to spend time with an ex-sub, her name was **Elena**. I let that go when you first said it but I'm not letting it go now. You told me she was your closest friend and it was important to you that I try to understand that. Now I'm asking the same thing of you. You don't have to be friends with Isaac, although I think you would be if you guys could get over yourselves, you just have to be pleasant."

I know she's right about Elena but I'm having trouble being reasonable about this when I say,

"I asked you to understand about Elena and look how **that** turned out. I was never in a real relationship with Elena, it was just sex. It kills me that he's so close to you and Noah."

Ana interrupts and says, "It turned out so bad because Elena was a psychotic bitch. Isaac's a nice, normal guy. It's not the same, she was your **first **Christian, and your longest relationship, can you imagine how much that hurt me?" She pauses and then says, "We're getting off track and I don't want to. I know I'm asking a lot, but I'm still asking. From what you've said, you and I are going to be gone a good portion of the day tomorrow. Noah will be happiest with Isaac so I would like him to be the one to watch him."

She's right, Noah clearly loves him and will be happy with him while we're gone, and I know the Elena thing killed her. I would do anything to be able to change it, but there is nothing I can do.

"I don't like it, and long term we need a different solution. I don't care if the solution is finding a nanny for when the two of us are out, or Gail coming with me on weekend but we need something else. I guess if I want to go out tomorrow I have to agree to it this once, but I loathe that you're putting me in this position Ana."

She set's her wine down on the table and then leans back into me saying,

"I know you hate this, thank you for trying."

I'm leaning back on the couch, with Ana's head on my chest and one of her arms around my stomach. I'm tense after this talk and I want to change the subject.

"You know, we never really talked about dating before Flynn brought it up. The first time I was here we touched on it but that's it. I know what I want Ana, I want us to get back together and be a family with Noah. I've missed so much already with both you and Noah and I don't want to miss anymore."

Ana's other hand goes around my back so that she's hugging me and laying on me at the same time. This is dangerous because I know she wants to go slowly and I'm not sure I can with her in this position.

"I want us to work towards being a family too but I want to date and take it slowly. We went so fast the first time and I think that was part of the problem. I know I'll need to compromise between my need to take it slow and your need for warp speed, and I'm willing to do that, but I want to enjoy the progression this time. I don't want to feel like we're rushing to get to some end goal."

She's right; there will have to be some sort of compromise. It's been 5 weeks already and we're just now beginning to date. The first time around I was just about to ask her to marry me after that amount of time.

I don't say anything to her; instead I reach down and put my hand on her chin, bring her face up to mine. The kiss is slow and intense. I consciously don't deepen it; I want her to know that I heard her. We stay on the couch like that, slowly making out for a while until I turn so that I'm fully lying down and I pull Ana on top of me. She pulls a way for a second saying,

"Christian, I'm not sure this is going slowly."

I'm kissing my way up her neck to her mouth when I reply.

"Sure it is, making out on the couch is a normal part of dating, remember? You taught me that." I see her smile and then I add, "You're in control of this Ana. You decide when we stop. I promise I'll end up back at the hotel tonight if that's what you want."

She doesn't answer, instead she runs her hands through my hair and resumes kissing me.

**XX**

**You'll see the date next update, probably over the weekend**.


	12. Shared Accidents

Well guys, first let me say I'm so sorry this has taken so long. I lost my way with this story a bit and couldn't write anything. I hope you'll forgive me, and that you're still reading.

Second, this chapter is not what it was originally going to be but it definitely earns the story its M rating. If that's not your thing, you might want to skip it. I would love to have your feedback because this was HARD to write and I need to know if turned out okay or if I should avoid writing scenes like this in the future.

Lastly, thanks to DottieG for your advice. Without her, we probably wouldn't have a chapter.

_Itallic scenes are flashbacks. _Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 12 – Shared Accidents**

I didn't date a lot before Christian, and Christian and I hardly dated before we got engaged, then I only dated Isaac after him. Meaning, I have basically no experience with dating at all.

I don't know why I'm so nervous but maybe that explains it. I was married to this man and I have a child with him. He's seen me in every possible situation, good and bad, and although neither of us has said the words, I know he loves me. There's no reason to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown and yet, that's where I am.

I've been standing in my closet for the last twenty minutes staring at my clothes but not choosing anything. I have no idea what to wear and Christian was no help when he came to pick up Noah earlier.

He wouldn't tell me anything, he just kept saying,

"Where whatever you want Ana, you always look great."

That sounds nice and sweet, it **is **nice and sweet but it doesn't help me at all. He finally admitted that the date is somewhat casual but I don't even know what that means. This is **Christian** we're talking about, casual could mean a cocktail dress.

He picked up Noah this morning to take him to the park and then to lunch. It's their first outing without me and I'm a little nervous.

Noah is a great kid 95% of the time, but two-year-olds can be a handful and a tired two-year-old is a monster. I know Christian can handle it but I am more then a little relieved that he has Taylor there for backup.

They're getting closer everyday and Noah adores him. Christian has been amazing, calling everyday at bedtime so that he can read to him and spending every weekend here since they met. It a tremendous amount of effort and time on his part, and it's clearly paying off.

Noah was so excited when I told him that he was going to have a boy's day with daddy. He ran around the house collecting all the things he wanted to take with him, including Christian the Lion and the huge toy boat Christian got him that looks like the Grace.

I tried to tell Noah that he didn't need to bring so much stuff but of course Christian thought it was fine and that he should bring whatever he wanted. We're going to have to have a talk about the word no.

He can't let Noah get his way all the time. With the amount of money and influence Christian has, it will be almost impossible to keep Noah grounded. I'm not having a spoiled child. I raised my eyebrow at it but let it go, he'll learn when he's the one lugging all the toys around after Noah's sick of them, five minutes in. Actually, what am I thinking, it's poor Taylor who will be turned into a Sherpa.

I'm smiling now, thinking about Taylor going from Head of Security for a Fortune 200 company to a bellhop without even batting an eye.

My emotions are all over the place.

I can't even keep focused long enough to get dress. What am I talking about, I can't even stay focused enough to pick out clothes, much less put them on. I'm still standing here in my robe, hair in the towel from my shower.

I keep vacillating between being nervous about the date, to being worried that Christian and Noah are doing well, and then all of a sudden I'll remember last night and find myself staring off into space, biting my lip with a huge goofy grin on my face.

In other words, I'm making absolutely no progress in getting ready **at all.**

We had an absurdly fun night, making-out like we were teenagers. He did go back to the hotel, but not before a long make-out session on the couch with a lot of laughing and joking. For the first time, in as long as I can remember, I felt young and relaxed. Happy.

At some point during the make-out, Christian flipped us so that he was on top, and something about the weight of him on top of me made it so much more real, more intimate. I have been fantasizing about him for so long that I think until I felt him on top of me, part of me was afraid that it could all still be a dream.

In that moment I wanted to say screw it to all of my "let's take it slow" talk and just beg him to stay. He's been happy with Noah and I these past few weeks, but there has always been an undercurrent of nervous tension from him. I couldn't name it before but I felt it lift last night.

For the first time, we both let ourselves believe that it was real and could work out.

I still can't believe I stopped it. Actually that's not 100% accurate. Taylor called three times in a row and finally Christian answered, that's what stopped it. I have no idea what the issue was but I heard Christian tell Taylor he was about to be dead unless someone else already was. I didn't ask. I didn't want anything to burst my happy bubble.

I shake my head to try and bring myself back to the present. Christian and Noah are going to be back here in less then an hour. I need to get moving.

Finally I choose a short, black and white belted dress with a deep v in both the front and back. It's sexy and young and bit dressy without being over the top and I can put a cardigan over it later if it gets cool.

I choose silver flats because it's Christian and Charleston so there's a good bet that at least part of this date will be on, or near, the water. Plus, with the sliver flats I have an excuse to wear my charm bracelet. I gave back my wedding and engagement rings the day we signed the divorce papers but I couldn't bring myself to give back the charm bracelet. I couldn't bring myself to give it back, but I've not been able to wear it either.

Ironically, the argument that started by my giving back my wedding rings was what led us to having sex on the conference table in his office, and ultimately to Noah.

Thinking about the rings makes me remember the day. We had signed everything and I stood up to leave, taking my rings off and setting them on top of the divorce decree.

_**XX**_

_I wasn't intentionally trying to piss Christian off, I didn't think before I did it. It just felt like the right thing to do, but as soon as I did it I knew it wasn't. He didn't say anything at first; he just stood up and stared at the rings for a couple of seconds. Then looked up at me with a pained, pissed off expression._

_In a hard, clipped voice while still staring at me he said to the room, _

"_I think we're finished here ladies and gentleman. I would like the room please."_

_The please at the end was not a request. It was clearly a command and with it all the lawyers, including mine, excused themselves. _

_Neither of us moved as the room cleared, I'm not even sure that I took a breath. We just stood there, on opposite sides of the table staring._

_Christian is the first to speak and it's clear he's angry._

"_You're not giving back the fucking rings Anastasia. __**They're. Yours**__. I've given in to much with this divorce already, there's no way in hell I'm giving in about this." _

_His eyes haven't left mine and he's using the voice he usually saves for work. He's not fucking around and he's right, he has given me almost everything I wanted, or rather didn't want, with very little argument._

_I didn't want the house on the sound; he agreed to deal with it. I didn't want the homes that he owned before we married, he agreed. I didn't want alimony; he pitched a fit but eventually said fine. _

_The only thing he wouldn't agree on is money. We argued about it until I had no voice left but in the end, he won. I walked away with 50 million dollars. I thought the amount was ridiculous and so did Christian, for opposite reasons. I heard him mumble more then once that our marriage should be worth more then three months work._

_In this moment however, I don't care that he's been mature about everything. I don't care that he's tried to make this easier on me. I don't care about anything. The only thing I __**do**__ care about is that he's ordering me around, and it scares me to death that this is the last time he'll ever be able to do it._

_It doesn't make any sense, but feelings rarely do._

_This divorce is not what I want, but it is what we need. I wanted to stop everything so many times today, but in the end I was too much of a coward to do it. I know that I'm not happy and I know that Christian isn't happy so it needs to happen, but it's the last thing on earth I want. _

_I know I need to leave, we've signed the papers, it's over but I also know that when I leave we will truly be finished and I don't understand how this can end. Everything went so wrong and I don't know how we let it get so out of control. I don't understand why we couldn't fix it._

_Tears are welling up in my eyes and I don't want Christian to see them so I close my eyes for a second to find my courage. I have to do this. I open my eyes and look at him one last time, swallow, and say,_

"_I'm so sorry Christian."_

_It's all I can get out without my voice cracking and even with just those four words, my voice is thick and strained by the time I say his name. _

_I take one last look at the rings sitting on the table and turn to leave but I don't make it more then two steps._

"_Anastasia Stop." _

_Every muscle in my body clenches with those two words. _

_His Dom voice surprises me but when I think about it for more then a second, I realize it shouldn't. This situation is completely out of his control and he probably needs it desperately. _

_I haven't heard __**that**__ voice in so long, haven't seen __**that**__ Christian in more than a year, probably almost two. I know I should go, we've just entered very dangerous territory but I can't. I literally can't move._

_He doesn't say anything else, and for a second I think maybe I imagined it. Then I feel him step up behind me. He's standing very close, but not actually touching me._

_His mouth is at my ear when he speaks again but he remains a hair's breadth away from me. It's still __**that**__ voice but it's quieter now, more seductive, when he says,_

"_The rings are yours Anastasia. You will take them."_

_There's no room for argument, you don't argue with Dom Christian. _

_I didn't hear him pick up the rings but he must have because he touches me for the first time when he reaches around my body to slips them back on my left hand, pulling me back into his chest as he puts the rings back on my finger. _

_I can't remember the last time we were this close and some part of me knows I should pull away but I can't think. He's letting me touch him and I'm stunned. He never lets me touch him anymore._

_My whole body starts to tremble as we stand there, entangled in one another. I don't know what to do. This is the last time we'll probably ever be this close, it's the last time I'll ever get to touch him._

_I know I'm at a crossroads, if I lean back into him we'll go one way, if I pull away we'll go another. I don't make a conscious decision, but my body does as I feel myself relax into him. _

_I feel his arms tighten around me and I'm thankful he's holding me. I'm not sure I'd be able to stand by myself right now. I've not had sex since well before we separated, and we've been separated a year. It's been a very long time and this was the LAST thing I expected today but I want it, maybe more then I've every wanted anything in my life._

_I don't know if there's been anyone else for Christian since we separated, but there hasn't been for me and I'm beginning to wonder if there ever will be anyone else. That part of me has always belonged to Christian and part of me thinks it always will._

_As if he can read my mind, he pulls me in closer and quietly says,_

"_There hasn't been anyone else Ana. It's important that you know that before we do this. There's never been anyone else."_

_I'm so relieved, and I try to tell him there's not been anyone for me either, but all I get out is,_

"_It's only been you." _

_Before I can even finished he's spun me around and his lips are on mine. I'm barely aware we stated kissing when I feel his tongue running along my lower lip pushing in. We're franticly kissing one another, rough and urgent, hard and fast. _

_He's clearly in control and it's good, I need him to be in control of this. If I think about it I'll stop us and that's the last thing I want._

_I didn't realize we were moving until my back slams against his office door and we both groan. I feel him let go of me for one second to lock the door and then he's back, full force. _

_He's kissing and biting his way down my body until he gets to the buttons that run down the front of my dress. He makes a half hearted attempted to undo them and then I hear, "Fuck it" and he rips my dress open all the way down to my naval. Buttons go flying everywhere and I hear more then one ping against the windows leading out to the reception area._

_He stops when he gets to the valley between my breast and for a second I'm not sure if he's going to start again. He's staring at the black lace Agent Provocateur bra I'm wearing. It's one of his favorites, the Tina, with thick back lace strips over my breast that had to have been bondage inspired._

_I don't know what brings him back to the present but something does and all of a sudden he reached down and grabs the back of my thighs lifting me and urging me to wrap my legs around him._

_He has one arm underneath me for support and we are perfectly lined up this way. My dress must have gotten pushed up around my waist when he lifted me because I can feel him. His erection begging to be let free as it pushes against the zipper of his suit paints. _

_My arms have been around his neck but he reaches around and takes both of my hands in his free one, lifting them and having me grab on to the coat hook that's above my head._

_He breathing hard when he says, "Don't let go until I say."_

_Before I even have time to think he's pulled the cups of my bra down so that my breasts have spilled out and have been pushed up high. He free hand and his mouth are each on one, sucking or pinching at if feels amazing. I can't help myself as loudly moan and roll my hips into him. _

_I need more and I'm desperately trying to get it but there's little I can do in this position. Christian's in control and he knows it. I do the only thing I can, tighten my legs around his waist, rubbing myself against him in the process._

_I'm rewarded, and cursed, when he pulls away from my breast to grunt,_

"_Jesus Christ Ana, it's been a fucking long time. You need to stop that shit or we may be over before we start."_

_I can't help it when I bit my lip and smile but I have no time to enjoy his reaction as he attacks my lips, kissing me and biting my bottom, pulling it from my teeth as he growls,_

"_How many times do I have to tell you about that lip Anastasia."_

_I feel the hand that's supporting me shift as he says it, and he somehow manages to slip his finger into my panties and slowly, he begins to run a finger between my folds._

_His mouth has found it's way back to my breast as his finger teases me. It feels like he's everywhere except where I want him most and I don't understand how. I'm trying to shift and roll my hips so I get what I want but he's careful to avoid my clit._

_When none of my movements work I hear myself whimper, "Christian, please God."_

_I feel him smirk against my breast but he doesn't say anything as his slow assault continues. After a few more seconds he shifts and then suddenly he bites down on my nipple as he finally slips a finger inside of me._

_My head flies back and clacks against the door as my hips roll and it takes all I have not to let go of the hook above my head._

"_Ugnh. Yes Christian."_

_One finger shouldn't feel this amazing but it does and as he continues to move his finger in and out, I can feel my body slowly building. I get there faster then I ever have and I can feel myself right on the precipice, my orgasm just out of reach._

_I'm torn, part of me wants to cum any way I can and part of me doesn't want cum like this, with his hand. I should care that he's about to finger fuck me against the door but I don't._

_And then he stops, right before I get there he just…fucking stops._

_My eyes fly open; I don't understand what's happened when I hear him say,_

"_Put your arms around my neck Ana."_

_I'm still confused and in my almost orgasm sex haze so I don't move. He gives me a second and then says,_

"_You're not coming like that and I can't fuck you up against this door. Every time you move so does the door, and Andrea is going to come in here any second to see what the fuck is going on. I don't think either one of us wants that."_

_That snaps me out of it and I immediately let go and wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him with all that I have as he moves us back to the table and lays me across it._

_He gently takes my hands and places them above my head, silently asking me to hold on to the other side of the table. Once I do, he begins kissing his way down my body, stopping to nip each breast and run his tongue first slow around, then inside my belly button._

_When he gets to the top of my panties, he licks across the top of them, and slowly draws them down my legs, unclipping my stockings as he does. He's kissing down the inside my leg in the same path that my panties are following and by the time he pulls them off I'm right back to where I was on the door, desperate and wanton. _

_I hear him unbuckle his belt right after he pulls my panties off and it's music to my ears. As he steps forward, I can feel him rub against me without anything between us. My eyes had been closed as he made his way down my body, but they slowly open now._

_When I look up at him, there's no mistaking it. I see lust and desire, but mostly I see love. If I had been thinking cleary, I would have stopped it to save both of us the pain that would follow but I wasn't._

_It's almost a whisper when he says, "Are you sure Ana?"_

_He's standing, looking down at me and I don't answer him, I don't know if I can get the words out. Instead I grab his hands and bring him down to me, kissing him as I wrap my legs around his waist and shake my head yes. _

_In that moment I am sure. There's nothing else on earth I want more._

_We had been frantic until this point but when I feel him push into me, everything slows down. I'm looking into his eyes as it happens and I can feel it, all the love and experiences we have, only with each other._

_It takes us a second, but we find that old rhythm, meeting each other thrust for thrust. He's slow and attentive but I know he needs more, and I do too. I reach over my head and grab the end of the table while I unwrap my legs from his waist and put my ankles on shoulders._

_The change in position is all it takes. Christian has kept his rhythm slow and deep the entire time but he begins to lose it as he thrust into me hard and fast._

"_Fuck Ana, I need you to come baby. I don't know how long I can hold out like this."_

_I'm nearly there anyway, he doesn't have to ask, but when I feel his thumb start to rub my clit, I come almost immediately._

"_Ahh…Jesus Christian. I'm…Ungh fuck. Yes, Ungh. Yes" _

_I'm shouting as I cum. I know I should be quieter but it's impossible and when I feel Christian begin to cum at the same time I get even louder._

"_Ana, God Ana. …FUUUUUCK."_

_He collapses on top of me as he finishes and when his weight hits me, the weight of what we just did does too._

_He's kissing my neck and whispering things into it and at first I can't hear him but then I do. It's very quiet but it's clear._

"_I'm so sorry Ana, so so sorry for everything. I love you."_

_My eyes burn as I try to hold back the tears. I love him too and I'm sorry but I know this doesn't change anything. I know I need to get out of here. This is going to kill both of us._

_I run my hands through his hair and hug him tightly one last time. I need to figure out how to get out of here without talking about this and I need to figure it out now. _

_Thankfully he pushes himself off me in that moment and I've gotten myself together by the time he does. He doesn't say anything as he pulls his pants back up and gets redressed. _

_We're both quiet as I get off the table and go into the bathroom and clean myself up. After I'm in there a couple of minutes, there's a knock on the door and I hear Christian say,_

"_Ana, I'll be right back. I just need to talk to Taylor for a minute. Don't go anywhere."_

_I don't want to out and out lie so I just say, "Take your time."_

_When I hear the door shut, I wait a few minutes and then run out to grab my trench coat and shoes. Thank God it's winter in Seattle and I have the coat because my dress is ruined and I can't find my panties. I'd be more screwed then I already am without this coat._

_I write Christian a quick note and slip the rings off and place them on top of it. As I do, I notice that the divorce papers are still on the table, right where Christian and I had sex._

_Tears are running down my cheeks as I take one last look at the note._

"_I'm so sorry Christian. What happened doesn't change anything but I hope you know how much I will always love you. Find the happiness you couldn't with me. I love you. Ana."_

_**XX**_

I've been getting ready as I remembered the day we made Noah and I'm about the ruin the makeup I just applied. My heart is breaking for how he must have felt when he came back into that room.

I know it wrong to handle it the way that I did, but in the moment it was the only thing I could do.

I'm trying to wipe my eyes and get myself together as I hear Noah and Christian enter the apartment. In that moment I'm so thankful I gave him a key this morning so I don't have to go to the door to let them in.

"Ana." I hear Christian say, with a little concern in his voice.

"I'm in my room Christian, one second."

I tried to sound cheerful and I've gotten it together, but I know he'll take one look at me and see something is wrong.

When he walks into my room, Noah is in his arms with his head on Christians shoulder and I can see that he's been crying. I don't know whom I'm more worried about, they both look heart broken.

"Uh Oh guys, what happened?

I'm not sure whom I'm addressing but Christian speaks first. I want to take Noah out of his arms, but I know I need to leave him where he is so they can work it out.

"He let go of my hand on the walk back and I yelled at him when he wouldn't come back like I asked him too. He was running and I was terrified he'd get to the street before I got to him."

Christian is clearly still upset and I don't blame him. Nothing causes more panic then a child running towards the street.

I squeeze his hand and then say to Noah,

"Noah, did daddy ask you to stop running and you didn't?"

He shakes his little head and reaches for me but I don't take him. I want him to know how serious this is.

"You know you need to listen when daddy or I tell you something. It is very dangerous to let go of daddy's hand on the street. I think you owe him an apology."

Noah puts his head back on Christian's shoulder and I hear him say,

"I sorry daddy. I not runned away again."

I don't think about what he says at first, but when I look at Christian's face I see tears in his eyes and it hits me. He hugs Noah and says,

"Thank you buddy. I'm sorry too. I yelled and scared you, I just didn't want you to get hurt."

It's such a special moment, the first time Noah calls him dad, and I want to let them have it alone but then I feel Christian's arm snake around my waist and pull me into their hug.

As I lay my head on Christians shoulder, right next to Noah's, I hear Christian say,

"I was starting to worry that he wouldn't ever say it."


	13. Shared Time

You guys made me feel much better about my story in general and the lemons specifically. Thank You. I really appreciate all your kind words and reviews. They really help so keep them coming. I'm going to post once a week for now, and slip in an extra chapter here and there when I can. I hope you're all okay with that.

Noah's in this chapter and he's my happy place so enjoy it because we're off to Seattle next and that will be hard for everyone. Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 13 – Shared Time**

I don't know how I expected to feel, I've never been very good with emotions, but I certainly didn't expect to feel this way. I thought I'd feel happy, and I do, but that's not what I feel most. What I feel most is healed.

From the moment I realized Ana was pregnant I had a permanent internal conflict. It never went away and I could never get away from it. Part of me felt like I was being neglectful and harmful by staying away from my child, and the other part felt like staying away was the best gift I could give him. I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming that I was like my mother, but I could not bring myself to change it.

I didn't expect it to mean so much; one word, and I didn't realize how afraid I was that Noah wouldn't say it, until he did.

Ana brings me out of my thoughts are she gives my hand a reassuring squeeze and says,

"Noah, tell me about your day with daddy. What did you guys do?"

I know she was upset about something when Noah and I first came in and she's trying to shift the focus onto Noah. She can't possibly think that's all it will take.

"Ana," I say, "you want to tell me what's the matter?"

It's not a request and she knows it, but she doesn't immediately answer. Instead she takes Noah out of my arms and kisses him gently on the top of the head saying,

"Nothing's the matter Christian, I was just remembering how this little guy came to be."

She's trying to sound cheerful, but she's not fooling anyone.

At first I don't understand why that would upset her, I know Noah is the best thing to happen to both of us. Then it hits me, that amazing, horrible day we signed the divorce papers.

I've never had such confused emotions in my life as I did that day. Ana and I having sex was the **last** thing I expected, and when I left the room to talk to Taylor I actually felt great. I was such a fucking moron. I told myself that it was a step in the right direction but I think I knew, even then, that it didn't really change anything.

Coming back into that room, seeing the rings sitting on the table, I knew she was gone before I even read the note. I didn't even look for her.

I destroyed my office that day. In the end, every single thing in it was as broken as I was, or so I thought. When I was finished and looked up, I notice that the only things to survive were the photographs of Ana that Jose had taken, all those years ago.

That was it for me; I was done. I drank an entire bottle of Scotch sitting in the midst of my broken life. I sat there so long I didn't know what day it was when I finally left. Taylor came, picked me up off the floor, and took me home.

I don't want to think about that day and I certainly don't want to talk about it. Today's a good day and it's only going to get better with the date. There's no need to go back there, it won't help anyone. Flynn would be shocked if he could here this, and maybe a little bit proud.

"It was a terrible day, there's no denying it, but there were parts of it that were pretty great too. Look who we got out of it."

I pull her and Noah back into my arms as I begin to speak. "I'm not saying we shouldn't ever talk about it but let's not do it now, it's going to bring up a lot of hurtful shit. Today's a good day, let's leave it that way."

Noah's getting frustrated with being held and starts to squirm to get down. It's time to move this into the living room but Ana's still looking hesitant and upset.

"Ana," I start to say but she snaps out of it realizing Noah needs to us to move on to other things. She smiles at me and sets him down on the floor saying,

"You're right, this is a Flynn topic if there ever was one." She's smiling gently when she says it and then she focuses her attention on Noah saying, much more cheerfully, "Okay buddy, let's go into the living room. I want to hear all about your day."

As soon as he's on the ground, Noah grabs Ana's hand and begins to walk into the living room, thankfully oblivious to all the emotions that have just passed through Ana and I.

One day he'll have questions about how he came to be, but hopefully that will be years from now when I'm old, and much more capable of handling such discussions.

Noah's talking a mile a minute but I'm not sure Ana understands any of it. It's hilarious.

"Mama, we goed to room for jeans for lunch. Then we goed to the park with the farmers and Mr. Tanker let me pay with my boat in the sprinkler. Then we runned around with daddy and played on the swings."

He's so excited by the end of his recount of our day that he's let go of Ana's hand and is happily yelling by the time he gets to the word swings. He's swinging his arms for emphasis and dancing around.

It's infectious and in that moment I vow to be more like my son, happy and in the moment. I'm sure it's the first of many things he'll teach me.

Both Ana and I are laughing by the time we get to the couch to sit down.

"You went to the room of jeans for lunch?" She asks Noah but she's looking at me.

I pick Noah up and set him on my knee so we can both tell her, I'm going to need some moral support for this, she's sure to mock me.

"We went to Rue de Jean actually. Didn't we buddy?" And, right on queue, she starts laughing.

"**Christian,** you took a two-year-old to Rue de Jean? That's the most expensive French restaurant in the city! Why on earth would you take Noah there? I've never even eaten there."

I make a mental note to change that, the place was outstanding; she should eat there.

"I'm not sure what Noah being two has to do with anything? Just because he's young doesn't mean he shouldn't enjoy great food. He's well behaved, and I had Claire cross reference high-end restaurants with child friendly ones. Rue de Jean was one of the names on her list."

She's biting her lip and trying to control her huge smile when she says,

"Of course you don't see anything unusual about it. Noah, what did you do next; you went to the park where the farmer's market is?"

Noah's climbs up so that he's kneeling on my lap, playing with my face as he answers Ana.

"Yes! Then Mr. Tanker said I could pay with my boat in the sprinkler but Cistin got mad when I did it and yelled."

Flynn warned me that Noah might go back and forth for while, even once he started to call me dad, I knew it was a possibility but it still stings more then a little bit.

Thankfully, I only have a second to think about it before I realize that he's sold me out to Ana. It's an odd experience, having your child tattletale on you; I don't think someone's done it to me since Elliot. Part of me wants to laugh and part of me feels horrible that I yelled at Taylor in front of Noah the way that I did.

He's still playing with my face though so I can hardly defend myself. I'm just about to ask him with the hell he's doing when Ana beats me to the punch.

"Noah, what are you doing to daddy's face? Let go of him please so he can talk with us."

"No, mama I trying to make daddy's face mad so you can see. Mr. Tanker said it was so funny."

He's laughing when he says it and I realize I owe Taylor even more than I thought. I scrunch my face and growl at him, tickling him while I do it.

"Is this the face you want? I think mama's seen it, and I'm not sure that she thought it was so funny."

I hug him to me and then turn him around to sit him on my lap so I can explain myself.

"I was letting him play with his boat in one of the fountains in the park when I got an a call from Ros. I needed to take it; it was about an acquisition we've been working on for 6 months so I asked Taylor to watch him for a minute. When I got off the call, 5 minutes later, he was leaning over into the fountain to reach his boat. Taylor had a hold of him and he was fine but I was furious. Jesus, he could have fallen in!"

To my surprise, Ana doesn't seem upset when I finish. I expected her to be disappointed that I left him with Taylor and took a work call. Instead she says,

"Christian, he's a little boy. He's going to want to climb on things or try things that he probably shouldn't. As long as I'm with him, I usually let him try. I don't want him growing up afraid of everything. Taylor was there and you trust him with your life, I'm sure he was fine. I **am** curious as to why he was laughing at your yelling?"

I don't want to tell her this part. Fuck, sometimes I hate my fucking temper.

"When I started yelling at Taylor, Noah began to get upset so Taylor distracted him by asking Noah to look at how funny my face looked when I was mad. It worked and instead of crying he started laughing. I think he and Taylor bonded over having to deal with me."

Noah interrupts then and says, "Mama, Mr. Tanker picked me up and putted me on Cistin's shoulders."

She's smiling at Noah as she says to me, "You're new at this. There will be times when you yell or get upset with him and you're are glad you did, and times you'll really wish you wouldn't have. All that is normal."

She pauses for a second and then says, "I'm sure I'd be more upset about what you **said **when you were yelling rather then that you yelled. The first time he tells one of us to F off, you're dealing with it."

Shit, she's right. I need to get my mouth under control. He's going to have the worst mouth in the history of kids if I don't.

"Christ, you're right."

She laughs as she says, "We're in the south Christian, that one counts here too."

I lean back into her and pull Noah with me as I do, nuzzling and kissing her neck so Noah can't hear me when I say, laughing,

"Fuck Ana, I'm going to screw him up beyond measure. I'm hopeless."

She hugs me as she laughs and says, "You're really not. Daddy will be fine, won't he Noah."

Noah turns around and repeats exactly what Ana said, shaking his head yes.

"Daddy will be find."

I hope really hope they're right... Ana speaks up then, and brings me out of my worries by addressing Noah.

"Noah, Isaac is going to come and stay with you while daddy and I go out for a while okay. Can you be a good for him and listen well?"

He jumps off our lap, and turns around to look at us saying,

"I be good mama, you going to work?"

"Nope, not work, Mama and Daddy are going on a date."

"A play date?" He's clearly excited about this as he asks but I have no idea what it even is.

"Sort of like a play date, but for grownups."

"Ok, you have fun on you play date. I going get crayons and paper for Issic so we can color."

He's off, running to his room to find his crayons for Isaac. I still hate the idea of Isaac watching him. I **hate** it, so much so that I've already spoken to Gail about her coming out with Taylor and I on weekends. It's a win for both Taylor and for me if she does.

I want to spend more then just weekends here, but we need to tell my parents about Noah first and deal with all everything that will come from it. They're going to be fucking pissed, especially my mom. Grace Trevelyan-Grey is the kindest person I've ever known but I'm not sure even she will be able to ever truly forgive us keeping a grandchild from her.

"Hey," I hear Ana say gently, "did I lose you for a second there?"

She's already leaning into me, curled up against me as we sit on the couch but I pull her in just a bit tighter as I say,

"You did not but we've both been thinking way to much about very serious topics when what we should be thinking about it this date we're about to go on."

I kiss her softly, slowly and then quietly say to her,

"I was remiss earlier when we came in, I neglected to tell you how beautiful you looked and there's no excuse for it. You look amazing Ana. Every person we see today will be jealous of me, that I get to spend today with you."

I mean it but I also know it will be a bit much for her and she'll be embarrassed. I don't care; I know a part of her, even if she will only admit it to herself, will love it.

She's more confidant now, a woman not the 21-year-old girl that I first met, but no matter what, every woman wants to feel special and cherished. She deserves that even more ever after everything I put her through.

Her face reddens just a bit but she never looks away from me when she says,

"Thank you. You're forgiven Mr. Grey. An errant, runaway son is an acceptable excuse for distraction. Thank you for the compliment, I appreciate it more then you know. I'm relieved, **someone **wouldn't tell me the venue so I've been nervous about my choices."

I shake my head no. I'm sure there will be times in the future that it will happen, but I don't want us to start that way.

"There's never an excuse Ana, even though I understand it will happen. Noah is the best kind of distraction but I'm going to do my best to always make you both understand how important you are, and how sorry I am for all that I've missed."

She doesn't say anything, choosing instead to shift and tilt her head up to kiss me. It's the best answer she could give.

We spend the next few minutes enjoying each other, kissing and cuddling, with Ana trying, not so subtly, to get information out of me about the date. She's asking as she kisses me, biting my bottom lip trying to distract me. It might have worked if she'd had a few more minutes but there's a knock on the door forcing her to stop.

"That's probably Isaac." She says as she hops off the couch and adjusts her dress as she walks toward the door. "Noah, Isaac's here. Do you want to get the door with me?"

"God Ana, that fucking man just keeps coming up with new ways for me to hate him. Interrupting our impromptu make-out just went to the top of the list."

She rolls her eyes and smirks at me saying,

"**Be nice**. I'm serious Christian, Isaac has been a good friend to me and I'm not dropping him as **a friend** because you're unnecessarily threatened. What kind of person would do that to a friend? I've told him he needs to man up and be nice as well. Also, we need some kind of swearing deterrent for you. Most families would do a swear jar but that's not going to cut it in this family."

I'm annoyed that she basically just called me out and I would be pissed, but I can't stop the joy I feel thinking that she just called us a family.

"What the hell is a swear jar?"

She doesn't answer because Noah comes flying out of his room, trying to carry a bunch of books and papers with one had and a box of crayons in the other. He's dropping papers and books as he runs, leaving them as he shouts,

"Wait! Wait, I coming Mama. I coming, I get the door."

Finally, right before he gets to the door, he gives up entirely and drops everything. The box opens and crayons go everywhere, as do the remaining papers. Ana's laughing and shaking her head as she says,

"You're going to have to pick that up buddy but go ahead and get the door."

"I'll do it Ana." I say as she goes to get the door.

I'm bent down picking up crayons when I hear Isaac.

"Hey there Ace, you ready to hang out for a bit while your mum and dad go out?" He starts laughing and then continues saying, "I see we're drawing today huh? Let's help your dad clean up a bit shall we?"

As Isaac bends down to help I notice that Noah is just standing there looking, not picking up when Ana says,

"Noah, you need to help daddy and Isaac. You made that mess, you need to help clean it up."

"I not helping mama, I **not**."

He looks so indignant that I can help laughing. His arms are crossed, and he stomps his foot as he says it.

I look over at Isaac and he's laughing and looking at Noah too but when I look back at Ana, I see that she's anything but amused.

"**Not. Helpful**." She says to Isaac and I as we're laughing and then she turns to Noah and says, "Your dad and Isaac are going to **stop picking up** until you start helping. Help or you can sit in time out. It's your choice."

I start to say, "Ana, it's fine. I don't..." when Isaac cuts me off saying,

"Christian, no mate, just…NO. I know we aren't friends but Ace would be sad if she killed you. Trust me, I've gone down the road you're about to, steer clear of it."

He's whispering and I'm not sure why until I look at Ana again and she looks as if she might actually kill me.

"He's not going to learn that he can make a mess and leave it for someone else to clean up. That's **not** okay."

I feel a little guilty after she says it. I make a mess all the time and Gail or someone else cleans up after me. I'm always thankful but I don't always think about how nice it is to have. Isaac seems to be having the same thought because he looks guilty too.

"I know you both have lots of people that look after you, and there's nothing wrong with that, but you're adults. I don't want him expect it or think that everyone is lucky enough to have it."

Isaac and I have both stopped picking up and stood up but Noah's still not moving. He's looking as if he might cave when Ana says,

"Make your choice buddy, we're not waiting all day."

Finally he huffs and gives in, bending down to pick up his crayons. Everyone's quiet as we help him finish and when we're done Ana thanks him but he ignores her and runs to me wrapping his arms around my leg until I bend down and pick him up.

I have to talk to him about treating Ana that way but I don't want to. It's one of the first times he's run to me and I love it. He puts his arms around my neck and turns his face into me, hiding from Ana.

"Noah, you can't ignore your mom when she talks to you. It's not nice, we don't ignore people."

He doesn't move, but he does say, "I sorry Mama."

Ana comes over and rubs his back saying,

"Thank you buddy. Can you go see Isaac? I think daddy and I need to get going."

Shit, she's right we do but I don't want to put him down. He's shaking his head no and I hear him mumble into my neck,

"I stay with daddy."

I don't think I could love him any more then I do in that moment. I tighten my arms around him just a bit and say,

"Ana, we can take him with us."

I'll have to change our plans a bit but I don't care, I'll gladly do it. Ana leans up and gently kisses me saying,

"Thank you for the offer but he's staying here. We told Flynn we would do this without Noah. We've both been looking forward to it and we need to do it alone, together."

As Ana steps away I say quietly to Noah,

"I love that you want to stay with me buddy and I want to stay with you too, but I promised your mom that we'd go out and you should never break a promise. We won't be gone to long and you get to stay here and have fun with Isaac."

I hate being nice about Isaac but he may have saved me from death today, and it's more important that Noah is happy then it is that I am okay with Isaac.

I feel like a true father for the first time with that thought, I put Noah's happiness before my own. I can't remember ever feeling it before, but in that moment I'm actually proud of myself.

"Come one Ace, we're going to make pizza for dinner and I need your help. Plus, I thought maybe we might watch the Lion King and I'll need you to find it."

Noah's stirred out of his sadness at the mention of pizza and is wiggling to get down.

"Peeza, Issic let's get peeza."

When I set him down he runs to grab Isaac's hand, dragging him in the kitchen. Ana mouths a thank you to him as they go and amazingly, we walk out the door without incident.

**XX**

We've had an amazing afternoon and it's shocking that we did. I thought it was a lost cause at first, I was so worried about Noah and I felt horrible leaving him. I couldn't stop feeling like a bad parent. Ana took my hand as we left the apartment and had to reassure me the entire way to the boat that he'd be fine.

"I had a feeling we'd be spending at least part of today on the water." Ana says as we step onto the deck of the Konkordia.

The boat is beautiful, bigger then the Grace II at 169ft. It's a 9-crew sailboat with 5 cabins and I love every inch of it. I may need to commission the company that made her to make us one.

"Is it alright? When we were talking during the week you said you'd never done a boat tour around Charleston and Flynn said that we should do things we both liked so I thought…"

I know I'm rambling but I can't seem to fucking stop myself. I'm nervous and still a little bit out of it from leaving Noah. I didn't think it'd be this hard.

Ana stops me by placing her hand on my chest and leaning up to kiss me.

"It's wonderful, stop worrying and show me around."

I introduce her to the crew and then show her around as they slowly begin to take us out to sea. We stop for a bit in each room to kiss or just hold each other and as we do I realize Flynn was right, we did need this.

By the time we make our way aft, I feel completely relaxed. On the table is a bottle of Bollinger and a few light hors d'oeuvre including tuna tartar, fruit, and chilled prawns. We're going to eat later but I wanted to have options for her.

They've done a beautiful job with the setup; there are white roses and hydrangeas arrangements everywhere, and small white lights as well. It looks exactly like I wanted it to, elegant and relaxed.

"My god Christian, it's beautiful. I love it." She's happy and peaceful and she looks perfect with her hair blowing slightly in the wind. I pour us each a glass of campaign and hand hers to her saying,

"To the first of many perfect evenings."

It does feel perfect. I make us a plate to share and we make our way over to an oversize chaise lounge that faces the back of the boat and gives us an uninterrupted view as we travel around Charleston.

Ana's taken her shoes off and is lying back onto me with her head on my chest and our legs tangled together when she says,

"Tell me about your life without us during the week, or about your life while we were apart."

I smile down at her but I don't want to tell her about my life without them. There's nothing good to tell.

"No," I pout sounding like Noah.

She slips her hand under my shirt and begins softly scratching my abs as she continues,

"Yes, you've learned a lot about Noah and I but I don't know anything about what's happening in your life."

I let out a calming breath and give in.

"There's nothing to tell Ana. My life is the same as it was before I met you, isolated and lonely. I've been avoiding my family because they don't know about Noah and avoiding everything else because I was angry. At myself, at the world, at everything."

She holds me tighter and kisses my chest and then smiling says,

"Tell me the worst vanilla date you went on when you were trying."

"No, Ana you don't want to hear about that, they were all disasters."

She's ticking me and saying,

"That's why I want to hear about it, they have to be hilarious."

"Ugh fine. I can't imagine why you want to know. The worst one had to be the last one. She was horrible; she was friends with Kate and acted just like her. She was loud and would not stop talking, asking me question after question. I wanted to kill myself by the end of it. She kept trying to touch me too. I called Elliot while we were still sitting at the table and told him to never set me up again."

"**Christian**, please tell me that she had left before you did that."

I should feel bad but I don't and I laugh when I say, "Nope, she was still sitting there. She smacked me when I got off the phone but it was totally worth it."

"That's horrible, you did deserve it. God."

"I couldn't help it Ana, it was only you. I didn't want anyone else."

She's laughing and hiding her head in my chest as she says,

"You think sucking up is going to help you?"

I bring her face to mine and while I begin to kiss her I say,

"Yes, I really do."

The rest of the day on the boat passes in much the same way and I'm both happy and sad as the sun begins to set. We dock on the other side of Charleston for dinner and after a very short car ride, thanks to Taylor, we arrive at our second destination.

As we get out of the car Ana is excited. We're at Magnolia Plantation, it supposed to have some of the best gardens on the east coast and spring is the perfect time to see them.

"I love it here, I've always wanted to come back but never got around to doing it."

I know that of course, that's why we're here but I'm still relieved to hear it. She's happy.

"Oh but Christian they close at 4:30. We're to late."

She sounds devastated and it's going to make it even more fun. Taylor's been talking to security here for days and everything's been arranged.

I see Taylor pointing me out to someone and then the manager come up to us and introduces herself.

"Mr. Grey, Ms. Steel it's a pleasure to meet both of you. Everything has been arranged for your evening. When you're finished, there an exit close to where you're having dinner and we've gone over everything with Mr. Taylor. He knows exactly what to do. Enjoy your evening sir, ma'am."

With that she's gone, and Taylor's escorting us through a private entrance.

Ana sounds stunned as she says,

"Oh my god Christian, just us?"

I don't answer but I do squeeze he hand and lead her inside.

Gardens aren't my thing but the sun is setting, and it's quiet and beautiful as we walk hand in hand from one garden to the next. Ana loves it; she's continually amazed as we walk.

We've timed it perfectly, mostly thanks to Taylor leading us where we need to go. Just as it gets dark we're walking through very tall azaleas and I can finally see the lanterns and only just hear the music ahead.

They've lined the path with small black lanterns that have white candles inside and I can hear, but not see, the string quartet that is playing Claire de Lune. The trees around the table have been covered in very small white lights and it all looks amazing.

There's a small table set with our dinner that has a beautiful flower arrangement in the middle and white candles all around. I can still see steam coming off of the plates. They must have just brought the dinner out.

I turn to look at Ana and I'm surprised when I see tears in her eye.

"Hey," I say softly, "there's no need for that. It's just dinner, that's all, just dinner."

I pull her into me as I say it. The last thing I wanted was for her to be upset. I give her a couple of seconds and then she pulls away and looks up at me.

"I forgot how magical things are with you. It all seems surreal. It's to much Christian, and it's perfect and I love it."

"It's supposed to be perfect, we're starting over." I say smiling. "Now let's eat."

As we walk over to the table Ana says,

"I don't supposed there's pacific cod on those plates, with potatoes and asparagus with hollandaise is there?"

She's laughing but I thought about it.

"Not exactly, there's salmon and cauliflower puree as well as asparagus and hollandaise. I want us to do better this time Ana, but I don't want us to forget our past."


	14. Shared Fear

Surprise! I know I said I want only going to update once a week but this chapter came so quickly that I thought you guys wouldn't mind if I posted it. I hope all the US folks are having a great holiday, and the folks everywhere else are having a great Monday.

Thanks for all the great reviews last chapter guys. I was amazed and so glad to see some new names reviewing as well. I really appreciate it. Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review and follow.

**Chapter 14 – Shared Fear**

I've never seen Christian this nervous, **ever**, even when he met Noah for the first time. He was nervous that day, clearly so, but he still had to together. I'm not sure he's going to be able to keep it together for the next few days.

We've just had our family call with Flynn and arranged to see him in person when we're in Seattle next week. The call went really well but the reality has set in, that we're going Seattle in the morning, and it has sent Christian into some sort of tailspin.

When I think about it, I realize I'm impressed he didn't implode before today. The last 7 and a half weeks have changed his life entirely, especially the last week and a half since Noah began to call him daddy. Everything changed for him in that moment, I could see it and feel it.

He's on his phone now, barking orders at Taylor because he's worried about security when we get to Seattle. We had a meeting about this yesterday and went through exactly what needed to happen so the call is unnecessary but Taylor, as always, is humoring him.

I started to panic earlier this week thinking about going back to Seattle, and back to that old life, but two things happened to make me think that maybe this time really could be different.

One, Christian's barking at Taylor about security **on speakerphone**. It may seem like a small thing but it's not. Two, he asked me to join the security conference call yesterday. He was still in Seattle and he called **an hour before** hand to ask if I could join them on the call.

I almost fell over when he asked. I tried not to make a big deal out of it because I didn't want him to get annoyed and not do it again but I couldn't help it. It was a big deal. He's never, ever, included me in a security meeting and I didn't even ask him too.

He's been on this call for the last 20 minutes, since right after we hung up with Flynn, and I can hear in poor Taylor's voice that he's about had it.

Thankfully my dad took Noah for ice cream so he's nowhere near this conversation.

Christian's voice is tight and he's running both hands through his hair roughly tugging on the ends.

"I don't like it Taylor, it was a bad fucking decision and you need to get your ass on a plane in the next twenty minutes."

"I can do that Boss, but there's a lot of logistics to work out for the next week and yesterday we agreed that it made more sense for me to say here, rather then to fly out and immediately fly back with you in the morning."

"God damn it Taylor! I know what I said yesterday but what if it gets out about Noah before we get to Seattle tomorrow and we have no protection."

"Boss, there's no indication that anyone knows about Noah at all. If I thought that was even a remote possibility I would be there."

Taylor sounds exhausted and I don't blame him.

"I. Don't. Like. It." Is the only response he gets from Christian.

"Sir Peterson is going to escort you to the plane tomorrow morning and as far as I know, you don't have any further plans tonight. I am aware that Noah is with Mr. Steele right now and Peterson is with them but frankly Sir, Noah is as safe with Mr. Steele as he is with any one of our men."

Christian's not even trying not to yell anymore when he responds,

"I'm not worried about him with Ray, did that come up **at all? **No! It didn't, because I **know** he's safe with Ray. Fuck, why **don't **we hire Ray to deal with all the logistics? I'd feel a lot fucking better."

When I hear Taylor mumble, "Trust me, it has come up more then once." I know that's it, they're both going to have a stroke if I don't stop this call.

"Taylor, I'm sorry to interrupt but, I need a few minutes with Christian. He'll call you back if he decides you need to come out. Will that be okay?"

I frame it like a question but I make sure my voice leave no room for questions.

Taylor's quick to make his exit and hang up as soon as he says, "That's fine Ana, Thank You."

Christian continues staring at his phone for a few seconds after Taylor hangs up, and then he picks it up and flings it across the living room. Its hits the side of the buffet in the dining area and then fully smashed when it lands on the polished concrete floor. Nothing survives these floors.

I walk over to him and sit very close, but I'm careful not to touch him. I know touch is still hard for him when he's this upset.

"Feel better?" I'm careful to sound relaxed and hopeful and not annoyed and judging.

He doesn't answer but he does slump back against the couch and then he throws his arm over his eyes, half growling half shouting,

"FUUUUCK."

I give him a few minutes and then say,

"You want to talk about what the problem really is, or are we just going to pretend its security for a while longer?"

He doesn't get a chance to answer because the door opens and my dad and Noah are back. Noah's got sprinkles all over his face, and the ice cream has melted down the cone and onto his hand and sleeve but he looks like he's had a blast. My dad's carrying him on one arm as they talk.

"Uh Oh Noah, look who came while we were getting ice cream?"

At first he looks confused because he only sees me, and I was here when they left, but once he spots Christian his whole face lights up. I'll never get tired of seeing how happy he is to see Christian. His eyes get big and he squeals almost every time.

"It's daddy! Where did you come from daddy? I look everywhere for you but I can't find you, even on the puter."

This is the longest Noah's gone without seeing him and he missed Christian terribly. He left on Tuesday and although they talked a lot, he didn't come back over the weekend because he wanted to fly back and return with us tomorrow.

I tired to tell him there was no need, that we'd just meet him in Seattle but there was no way he was missing Noah's first plane ride. Truthfully, I wouldn't have wanted to miss it either.

Christian gets up off the couch and does his best to over come his anger as he walks over to Noah and my dad. He can't hide it all though, he's walking like he has the weight of the world on his shoulders.

My dad is still holding Noah but he turns him a bit so Noah's facing out and when Christian walks up to him they're nose to nose. Noah leans out a bit and Christian puts their foreheads together both of them smiling and looking into each other's eyes. It's the cutest thing I've ever seen.

"I missed you buddy." Christian says as he closes his eyes.

"I missesed you too daddy. I like it when you in Carton, not in the puter."

Christian sounds heart broken when he says,

"I like it better when I'm in Charleston too buddy, so much better. I won't be away that long again."

They separate a bit and Noah's back fully in my dad's arms. When Ray says,

"I think 9 days might be to long for dad to be gone, huh buddy."

He's looking at Noah but the message is clearly for Christian. I see both Christian and Noah shake their heads yes at my dad and then Christian runs his hand over his face saying,

"I know."

Both Christian and my dad have been trying to bring up their friendship and I've shut them both down at every turn. I know I need to talk to my dad about it but I didn't really understand the way I felt until recently. Flynn and I have been talking about it in our individual weekly sessions.

Once we deal with the Greys, Ray and I can sit down and talk this through, but I can only deal with so much right now. I love my dad, nothing will change that. I just need time.

I can see how much Christian needs him now. I need to get over myself and encourage them to talk. Most of me loves that they're so close now. I can see that they both respect and love each other and that's so rare for fathers and son-in-laws but there is a part of me that's jealous of both of them.

Jealous of my dad, that he got to talk to Christian all those years and build a relationship, and jealous of Christian, that he's the son my father never had, that I have to share my dad with him. He could talk to my dad and be open with him in a way he couldn't with me. I know it's childish but unfortunately, knowing why you feel something doesn't make it go away.

I can do something about it though. I go over and take Noah from my dad, and then go to the liquor cabinet and place the scotch out on the counter and say,

"I'm going to go give Noah a bath, I think more sprinkles are on him then got in him." I look at my dad and continue saying, "I think that he," looking at Christian, "needs you the most right now."

Both my dad and Christian speak up at the same time, both saying basically the same thing,

"Annie," my dad says, "I don't want you to feel…"

"Ana, you don't have to do this."

Nope, they're wrong, I do need to do this. They need it, probably both of them.

"I'm fine, we do need to talk about this but not now. There's enough going on, we can do it when we get back from Seattle. I've been talking to Flynn a lot though so I'm okay."

I kiss my dad on the cheek, and then walk over and kiss Christian saying,

"Come read with us when you're done. Dad, say goodnight before you go."

I drop the rest of Noah's ice cream in the garbage and then we head to his bathroom.

I let Noah play in the bath for about 45 minutes, he's always loved the bath and it's relaxing, watching him as he plays with toys and bath crayons, seeing what he draws on the walls of the tub.

It's also a good distraction from wondering how Christian and my dad are doing. It's quiet for the first half hour, I can't hear anything that's going on, but toward the end of the bath I hear them laughing.

They come just as we start a new book. Christian seems much more relaxed and I'm so relieved dad could help him.

"Hey," I say quietly, "why don't you finish reading with him. It'll give me a chance to finish packing and say goodbye to my dad."

I've pretty much finished packing, but it's a good excuse to have him and Noah spend some time together. Nine days really is a long time and I am glad, no matter how hard this next week will be, that we'll all be together.

As I get up, my dad comes over and sits on the bed to say goodbye to Noah. We'll be in Seattle for 8 days and that will be the longest my dad has ever gone without seeing Noah. I don't think he's gone more then 2 days, at most.

"Okay big man, you're going to go on your dad's plane tomorrow. You'll get to see his house, and meet his mom and dad. I want you to be very good for your mom and dad, and give them lots of hugs, I think they're going to need them."

"Papa, you come on Cistin's pane too. You come too."

Noah sounds so sad, I knew this would be hard for everyone. My dad picks Noah up and hugs him saying,

"No buddy, this trip is just with your mom and dad, but I told your dad if he needed me to, I'll come out. You remind your dad for me will you, if he's sad tell him Papa will come to Seattle too."

Noah's shaking his head yes but I doubt he understands what my dad just offered. I'm stunned that he'd be willing to come, especially because he knows that Christian's parents are going to be angry with him too. It makes me truly understand how close he and Christian have become.

Dad sets Noah back in bed and hands him back the book saying,

"I love you buddy, and I see you soon. We'll talk everyday."

He passes Christian as he leaves the room and says,

"Remember, no matter what they say, or how angry they get, they still love you."

Christian's nod is almost unperceivable and then he goes to read with Noah.

Once we're back in the living room, I immediately go up and hug him. I know this rift has been hard on both of us.

"Thank you so much dad, I don't know what you said to him but it clearly helped. I'm sorry I've been so childish about this. I don't want it to effect your relationship with Christian. I promise we'll talk about it."

As he hugs me back he says,

"No need to apologize Annie, you've always been the most mature person I know. I think it's good for you to be a bit childish every once and a while. It lets you see how the rest of us feel."

He's laughing and it so good to be like this with him again, relaxed and joking.

When he steps back, he's serious all of a sudden.

"Annie, he's better for now but this week is going to be hard on him. Probably the hardest since your divorce. There's no way around it, his folks are going to be furious with both of you, but mostly with him. Trust me. He's going to need you to lean on, but don't let him run away from it. The only way for it to get better is to face it."

"I know dad, thank you."

"I said this to Christian, but I want to say it to you too. If you need me to come out and stay with Noah or bring him back early I'll do it. Don't hesitate to call and don't try to do it all by yourself."

I want to ask him to come now, but I know we need to do this as a family so I hug him one last time and say,

"Thank you daddy, so much."

"That's what parents are for Annie. It doesn't matter if you're 2 or 28, sometimes you just need your dad."

With that he smiles and makes his exit.

I spend the next hour or so picking up and going over my list to make sure that Noah and I have everything for the trip. After a while I start to wonder where Christian is. He still hasn't come out of Noah's room, and they can't still be reading.

I see the light is still on when I get to Noah's room but they're both asleep. Noah's curled up into Christian's side with his head on Christian's shoulder and the book is still laying across his chest.

There's no reason for him to wake up and go check into the hotel, we're leaving early in the morning, he might as well just stay here. I go over and set the book back on its shelf and then remove Christian's shoes and, just before I turn off the light, I take a picture of them with my phone. I can't help it, they look so much alike and are sleeping in exactly the same way, one arm over their head with mouths open.

On my way out the door I contemplate slipping into bed with them but I don't think Noah's little bed can handle another person so I head to my room. I call the hotel while I'm getting ready for bed so that they know Christian's not coming. When I crawl into bed it feels a little lonelier, knowing that Christian is just down the hall with Noah.

I wake up a few minutes before my alarm is supposed to go off and at first I have no idea what's going on. For a few seconds I think I'm still dreaming and then Noah kicks me, so I'm sure I'm awake.

Somehow, both Christian and Noah are in bed with me. I'm on my side, with my arm around Noah who's laying on Christian's chest and Christian's arm is around my back, holding me close. I have no idea why everyone is in my bed but I'd like us to stay like this all day.

I'm so distracted, looking at Noah and Christian sleeping that I forget to turn my alarm off and when it goes off a few minutes later, there's duel whining.

"Ana, it can't possibly be time to get up."

Followed closely by,

"Mama, no I seeping."

I can't help smiling but I really don't like waking either of them up. Especially because I know Christian doesn't sleep well. He started having nightmares again when our marriage began to decline and I can only imagine that they've gotten worse.

I turn so that I'm completely on my side and begin rubbing Noah's back.

"I know neither of you want to get up but we have a really long day ahead of us. Also, one of you needs to tell me what on earth you're doing in my bed. I'm pretty sure it's not where I left you last night."

Christian's eyes finally open up and he's smirking at me. He still sounds half asleep when he says,

"Noah's bed is small and I was going to go sleep on the couch, but he wanted me to stay. I figured this was a good compromise."

"Oh yeah, and the guest room wouldn't work for the two of you?" I try to sound put out but it doesn't work and I end up smiling.

Christian tightens his arm that's still around my back, bringing me close and kissing me lightly saying,

"The guestroom didn't have you in it."

Our romantic moment is promptly interrupted by Noah's hand, which comes flying at my face. I can't tell if he's trying to push us apart, or he just wants us to stop making noise.

"Noah," Christian whines, "you're supposed to be helping daddy, not stopping him."

"I trying seep and I hot," is Noah's annoyed response.

We both start laughing at him as Christian begins to softly tickle him and then blows a raspberry on his cheek. This gets Noah laughing and finally wakes him up a bit.

"Okay guys, Peterson's going to be here to take us to the airport in an hour. We need to get going." I say to Christian and Noah who are still laying in bed. "Can you feed him breakfast while I shower?"

Christian raises an eyebrow at me and says, "I suppose so, but I think it's a better idea if we shower together. Conservation and all…"

As I start to walk into the bathroom, Christian grabs my hand and pulls me back to bed.

"I haven't slept this well in years, it was incredible to wake up with you this morning and I'd like to keep waking up with you when we're in Seattle."

It **was** incredible to wake up with him, and I'd like to continue it in Seattle too, but that's a larger conversation then we can have right now. I just shake my head and kiss him quickly before heading off to the shower.

Amazingly, exactly 65 minutes later we're all showered, dressed and packed, and we've all eaten breakfast. Noah can barely contain his excitement as Christian straps him into his car seat and we head to the airport.

This is his first flight, and I worry that he's going to think everyone travels this way. I don't' want him to have an unrealistic worldview. I want him to realize how lucky we are, and how hard you have to work to get things in life. We're going to have to be vigilant about showing him all sides of life as he grows up.

When we get him out of the car at the airport, he's so stunned he doesn't move. He just stands in front of the steps, slack jawed and starring until Christian picks him up and carries him onboard.

As we walk up the steps, side-by-side, Christian has one arm on the small of my back and is carrying Noah in the other. When I look at him I expect to see him beaming, instead he looks like he's walking to his doom. I want to hug him and tell him we don't have to do this but my dad was right yesterday, the only way this get better is if we face it.

When we step into the plane, the flight attendant greets us right away.

"Oh my gosh Ana, sorry Ms. Steele, it's so nice to meet you. I'm Bryn and I've heard so much about you and Noah. I'm so glad your returning with him this time. He's so happy on the way here and so quiet and sad on the way back."

She's got a smile on her face a mile wide and is so full of energy, she reminds me of Mia and I instantly like her. When she looks at Christian, is not the lustful gaze most woman give him. She looks at him the same way Gail used to, like she wants to mother him.

"It's nice to meet you too Bryn. I'm glad he's had someone to look after him on all the flights back and forth to Charleston. I'll introduce you to Noah in a bit but he's still in awe at the moment." I say smiling.

Christian steps in, giving poor Bryn the 'Christian Grey I'm paying you to do a job not stand there and chat' look but the only thing he says is,

"That's enough Ms. Bailey, please show Peterson to Noah's seat so he can buckle his car seat in and then come back and see what Ms. Steele and I would like to drink."

I know it's his coping mechanism for all the stress, but I already miss Charleston Christian. He's so much more relaxed, and he never called anymore Ms. or Mr. unless it's me and he's trying to flirt.

Bryn scurries off with a quick, "Yes, Sir. I'll be right back to see what you would like," and I decide I need to do something to help. Noah's excitement is the perfect distraction.

"Christian, why don't you show Noah around, maybe he can meet the pilots and see the cockpit?"

Noah's to young to fully appreciate seeing the cockpit but he'll still like it and it'll get Christian out of his head a little bit.

When they come back, right before takeoff, Noah is talking a mile a minute and Christian seems a bit more relaxed.

"Mama, I meeted the Pieyet. He bringing us to daddy's house with the air."

He's so excited that he can't sit still long enough for Christian to buckle him in his seat. After a few minutes of trying, both Christian and Noah are getting frustrated.

"No daddy, I not wanna get buckled, I need see outside."

He can see outside from his window seat, but he wants to get his way. He's squirming and fighting so that when Christian finally get him bucked he's angry and starts to cry. He's doesn't cry often, and this is the first time he's cried because of something Christian has done.

Christian's face immediately falls as he takes his seat next to Noah, and I can tell that he's wants to cave, at least part of him does. The other part wants Noah safely buckled in his seat.

I'm not sure what to do. I want to step in and help if Christian needs it but if he doesn't, I don't want it to seem like I think he can't handle the situation. I reach over and lace our hands together, and lean into him whispering,

"He's fine, you were 100% right to buckle him in. Show him that we're bucked too and then try and distract him with takeoff. I promise he'll get over in 3minutes or less."

I kiss him quickly on the cheek and then squeeze his hand and let it go so he can deal with Noah, who's still crying.

"Noah, look at me for a second please."

Christian tries gently but Noah's not having it and shuts his eyes even tighter.

"Noah, your mom and I are both bucked too. The pilot won't let us take off and go to my house until we're all buckled. It's not safe."

That starts to work and Noah calms himself a bit, taking a few big deep breath and letting out his final cries. I'm gently rubbing Christians back, urging him to continue as he sits forward and tries to get Noah's attention.

"I think you'll want to look out your window buddy. We're about to go up in the air and it's the best part, you wouldn't want to miss it."

Noah's eyes are still scrunched shut when he says,

"I not see it daddy."

He sounds sad and this breaks Christian's stress as he starts laughing and says,

"You need to open your eyes to see it big guy."

He reaches in and tickles Noah gently which works, it gets his eyes open and him laughing. We takeoff soon after and Noah is in awe, he looks a bit scared a few times, but Christian does a great job of explaining it, and making it sound exciting, not scary.

They're so good for each other. For the rest of the flight, Christian distracts Noah when thing are new or scary and Noah distracts Christian from all the impending drama. Most of the flight I just watch them in awe.

Noah been running around and flirting with Bryn for most of the flight but he falls asleep just before we land in Seattle. It's early afternoon here, but well past his naptime at home and I'm glad to see him adjusting to the time change so well.

Taylor meets the plane as soon as we arrive and when I look out the window I see the gangs all here, Sawyer, Ryan, Reynolds, and one that I don't know standing beside the waiting SUV's. We decided earlier this week that Taylor would be with Noah because he is already comfortable with him.

I thought I was at ease with all this but seeing all of them brings it all back. All the feelings of being controlled and watched, never being able to do what I wanted or see whom I want. I don't know if I can do this.

Christian is going through final details with Taylor but I'm not hearing any of it, I'm to freaked out. I think I've managed to calm myself enough that he won't notice but when I look up at him I see I was wrong. He and Taylor finish their conversation and then he says to Taylor,

"Can you take Noah and put him in the car? We'll be there in two minutes."

Taylor picks up the car seat with Noah still sleeping inside it and walks out of the plane like he's done it every day of his life with only a slight nod to me on his way out.

"Ana," Christian begins, coming over and hugging me to him while he continues, "I know this is scary but I promise it will be different this time. We have to have security here, there's no way around that, but I promise I'll include you in any decisions that we need to make. I wish I could tell you that we don't need protection but we do."

I don't completely feel better but it does help. He's really been trying to make sure I'm as informed as he is and that I have a say in everything that happens.

I pull back and wipe my eyes carefully so I don't smear my makeup.

"You **have** been including me and I know it will be different this time, we're both older and wiser," I add smiling at him. "I need to be better about telling you when I'm upset, I'm working on it."

Christian takes my hand and begins to lead us out of the plane jokingly saying,

"We need to remember to tell Flynn about this moment Ana, we're handling ourselves so well and I'm sure, after this week is over, we'll need to remember a time we were able to do that."

As we walk down the steps I see Sawyer holding the door to the car and I can't help it when I think to myself, 'Oh god, here we go.'


	15. Shared Grace - Part I

Here we go guys, the long awaited confrontation. Thanks to everyone who is reviewing and following. Your reviews really help me see what you like and don't like about the story so please continue to tell me. Thank you so much for reading!

**Chapter 15 - Shared Grace Part I**

We're quiet on the ride to Escala, There's so much we need to talk about but I can't seem to bring it up. I'm trying not to think about it. Ana and I haven't talked about it specifically but she knows that they don't know she's coming. They don't know anything; they have no idea the bombs we're about to drop.

My parents are going to hate us, there's no doubt about it. Noah is our only saving grace.

Flynn has given us as much advice as he can, he even offered to come with us tomorrow, but we talked about it and decided we needed to do it on our own. Flynn is on call though, all weekend.

I'm so distracted that when Taylor pulls into the garage, I didn't even realize we were home. Sawyer opens the door for Ana as I pick up Noah and we head to the elevator. After I punch in the code, the top two floor start blinking and I hit mine, confirming where I want to go.

Ana looks at me confused and I realize just how long it's been since she's been here.

"I own the top two floors now. Taylor and Gail live on the floor below. Sawyer and Reynolds each have apartments there, and the security office for both floors is there as well. I have the top floor all to myself now."

Ana smiles, "Yeah, I can see why, you really needed the space."

Shaking my head I say, "You and your smart mouth. I did need the space, and so did Taylor and Gail. Sophie's a teenager now and she stays with them most of the time."

"Wow, the idea of Sophie as a teenager is just crazy."

"I'm sure Taylor would agree. He and Gail are going to come up later to spend some time with Noah so he's okay with them tomorrow, you can ask him then."

I'm trying to joke with her but I can see she's nervous.

"Ana, what is it?"

She bites her lip so hard I can still see the indents in it when she lets go and then she says,

"Nothing." After a second she thinks better of it and smiles saying, "Everything I guess. Seattle, this elevator, Escala, your parents tomorrow, seeing Kate, **telling** Kate you name it, but right now, Gail."

"Ana, Gail loves you. I'm sure she missed you when you left but she knows me better then most. If anyone understood why you left, she did. She was never angry with you. Gail's not like that, she doesn't hold grudges."

She's nods but she I can tell she's not convinced. Gail will have to sway her later.

As we step off the elevator and into the foyer, I see her tense up and then she relaxes a bit.

When I life my eyebrow at her she shrugs her shoulders and says,

"I was afraid it wouldn't feel the same, that everything would be different but it doesn't." Then adds quietly, "it feels like I never left."

She's right, it does. I was trying to hold onto her any way I could, so much of the apartment looks exactly like it did when she left. There's some new artwork, and a couple of pieces of new furniture, but that's about it downstairs. It's the upstairs that's drastically different and that's what I want to show her.

"I'll show you around in a bit but first, come, I want to show you something."

Ana starts to follow me but then she says,

"Christian, why don't you put Noah down on the couch first and then show me."

I turn to see her reaction and continue, "He'll be more comfortable in his own room."

She smiles and takes my hand as we walk up the steps.

"Never any detail left undone Mr. Grey, as always."

I see her notice the gates I had made for the top and bottom of the stairs but she doesn't say anything about them. I hate that Noah's room is upstairs when mine is down but there was no immediate fix for that. At least this way he won't fall down the steps.

The section of the apartment that used to be Taylor and Gail's has been turned into a suit of bedrooms, each with their own ensuite. I had one of them redecorated a few weeks ago, when we decided the dates they would be to Seattle.

We pass the old sub room, which is now simply a guestroom, as well as the room where the playroom used to be. As we pass it, Ana stops for a second and squeezes my hand.

"It's empty Ana. After I couldn't…with the woman at the clubs and the vanilla dates failed so disastrously, the room seemed to taunt me. When I was making all the changes to the apartment, about a year and a half ago, I cleared it out."

"Christian." Ana starts with pain in her voice but I just shake my head and pull her hand, continuing to Noah's room. I'm sure that won't be the end of the playroom discussion, but it needs to be the end of it for now.

We stop before the double doors that lead into the added rooms so I can say to her,

"If you hate it, we can have it completely redone."

"I'm not going to hate it Christian, you took the time and effort to do it. That's what matters."

That's not always true, but I hope it is in this case. I open the door and lead her down the hallway to the first room.

The colors are the same grays, blues, and muted reds as his room in Charleston; I wanted him to feel at home. The bottom half of the room is the same blue color, but the top of each wall has a mural on it.

A cartoon version of Noah reading in his room in Charleston on one wall, he's riding in a cartoon Charlie Tango on the another, on the third wall he's sailing the Grace II with his mini Grace in his hand and on the last wall you can see him through a window in the GEH jet flying over Seattle.

I got my childhood furniture from my parents, and had wooden railings added to the bed so he won't fall out. There are selves of books and stuffed animals as well as blocks and toy cars and planes, I hope he loves it.

As I set him in his bed, I turn on the video camera that's in the ceiling and say to Ana,

"We can see the video feed from this room in any room in the house so we'll always know how he's doing. You can even stream it to your Ipad."

I can't really tell if she likes it until she comes up to me and hugs me.

"I love it, it's perfect. He'll love it, he's going to be in his glory."

She pulls back and bit and puts her hands on the sides of my face. She looks very serious all of a sudden.

"No matter what happens, I want you to know that I love you. I've never stopped loving you and nothing will change that. We're in this together."

I'm stunned. I've wanted to say it but I was worried that she would think it was to soon. I hoped she still loved me, but part of me wondered.

"I love you too Ana, so much. I'm so glad you're here, both of you. There's no way I could handle this alone."

I feel hopeful for the first time in days as I lean in and kiss her.

**XX**

As we pull into the driveway of my parent's house in Bellevue I start to think that I should have listen to Ana and had Sawyer drive us. I wanted us to have some privacy to talk, but my whole body feels like it's shaking. I look down and see that it's not, but I have that prickly, hot feeling you get everywhere before you get throw up.

I look over at Ana and see she looks exactly like I feel.

I reach over and pick up her hand, kissing the back of it as I entwine our fingers.

"Are we ready to do this?"

She lets out a deep breath and then laughs saying,

"I don't think we're ever going to be ready to do this but we need to get it over with."

She leans over and puts her free hand on the side of my cheek bringing our faces together as she says,

"I love you so much and so does Noah. No matter how angry your parents get, they love you too and they'll forgive you."

I hope she's right, but I don't think she is. I need something more then words, some physical reassurance so I lean in and kiss her.

I shouldn't have started it but I needed it so much. I needed something that I could control, something that felt solid and secure. I should have leaned in and gently kissed her but that's not what I did.

It's start off slow and loving but I that wasn't enough. I bite her bottom lip and then run my tongue across it to sooth it, deepening the kiss. My hands are on the sides of her neck so I move one to the back of her neck and tangle it in her hair, giving me more control over her position.

I kiss her with everything I have, in every way I know, sometimes slow and soft and then I passionate and deep. She lets me do what I want with her and it feels amazing. By the time I pull away we were both breathing hard, and panting.

"Jesus Christian, what the hell was that. You had to do that **now**, right before we go in there **with your parents** and tell them about Noah! And that's it, we have to leave it there. How the hell am I supposed to forget about that."

She looks pissed and she probably should be but I feel so much better and I can't help it when I start to laugh.

"I'm sorry Ana, you have every right to be pissed but I feel fucking great right now. I needed that so damn much."

She's giving me the side eye when she takes the back of her hand and hits me in the stomach. There's no force behind it and she's trying, and failing, not to laugh when she says,

"You're not** sorry**, you're laughing! You did that on purpose."

I pick up the hand that hit me in the stomach and kiss the inside of her wrist, smirking when I say,

"You're laughing too, and you're right, I'm not sorry at all." I pause and let the weight of what we're about to do set in. Finally, there's no more waiting so I say, "Fuck, I don't want to do this…let's go."

As I get out of the car to walk and open Ana's door, I see the front door of the house open up and my mom comes out to greet me. **Fuck, Fuck, Fuck**, we couldn't have had a few more seconds before this happened.

By the time I get to Ana's door she's there as well, and I bend down to kiss her on the cheek saying,

"Good morning Mom. You look well today."

She does, she's happy and relaxed and I'm about to ruin it.

"Good morning darling. You look well too but you're a bit pale, is everything alright? We were so happy you wanted to do brunch today, we haven't seen you in so long but I hope nothing's wrong."

She's perfectly diplomatic and very direct, very Grace Trevelyan-Grey.

"I'm well mother, but I've brought someone with me. Will you excuse me so I can get her door?"

She steps back and looks truly confused, and perhaps a bit annoyed.

"Christian, I thought you said you needed to talk to us privately and that you didn't want anyone else…"

She stops talking as I open the door and offer Ana my hand to help her out of the car.

"Ana? Oh my gracious Ana! What are you doing here? Christian! How could you not tell me that Ana was coming with you?"

As soon as Ana is out of the car Grace has her in her arms hugging her. My mom has always loved Ana, she was almost as devastated as I was when our marriage ended and she was absolutely destroyed when Ana moved away.

"I'm so glad to see you darling girl, you look wonderful but I don't understand, what are you doing with Christian?"

Ana steps out of Graces arms and gets as close to me as possible with out being obvious. I take my hand and place it on the small of her back in a small show of support.

"You look wonderful too and I'm so glad to see you Grace. I've missed you all, so much."

"I'm so happy to see you Ana, but what are you doing here? Are you back in Seattle?"

Ok that's it, we're not doing this in the driveway for Christ's sake.

"Mom, can we move this inside and maybe get a drink before you continue with the inquisition?"

I know I'm in no place to be demanding, and we've not even begun to see the inquisition to come, but we need to move this inside.

"Of course, oh darlings I'm sorry, where are my manners? I was just so surprised to see you. Come in, come in and we'll get drinks and I'll get your father."

The walk inside feels like 1,000 miles and I'm not sure how either Ana or I do it. Of course, my mom has mimosas waiting on the bar and tells Ana and I to take one as she goes to get my father.

I seriously contemplate asking her for something stronger.

I know how we handle this is up to me. Ana has told me that she'll follow my lead and if, at any point, I need her to step-in she will. We're sitting next to each other on the couch when my parents come back and we both stand to greet my father.

"Ana," he says, "this is a pleasant surprise. Christian didn't tell us you were coming."

He gives me a bit of an annoyed look, as if I don't know it was rude not to tell him. I realize it was, there was just not way to do it without getting the Spanish Inquisition. I want to tell him to wait about 10 minutes and he'll have a lot more then an annoyed look to give me.

Ana leans in to kiss him on the check and says,

"I know, I apologize that we didn't tell you I was coming. We were afraid there would be to many questions if we did, and we wanted to talk to you in person."

"Well now you've peeked our interest. Let me get a drink and I'll join you."

He steps away to the bar and is back, drink in hand, very quickly. The couches in the living room face each other, and my parents are seated on one couch, with Ana and I on the other one.

I take a few deep breaths before I begin and Ana reaches over and takes my hand. As she does, two sets of eyes immediately focus on our joined hands, my father looking confused and my mother looking delighted.

"Ana and I ran into each other in Charleston a few months ago. It wasn't planned, I was there on business and she lives there now."

I stop there to figure out where to go next. I'm clearly nervous and my mother tries to make it easier on me. She looks at our joined hands and says.

"And you're seeing each other again, is that it Christian? That's wonderful news darling, there no reason to be nervous to tell us that."

I give her a tightlipped smiled and say,

"That's not it mom. I mean yes, we are seeing each other again, or have been for the last couple of weeks but that's not what we need to talk about."

I take one last breath and decide the only way to do it is just to say it.

"Mom, Dad, there's no easy way to tell you this so I'm just going to say it. Please forgive my bluntness. Ana and I have a child."

There's no reaction from either of them…nothing. They don't move, not a muscle and I start to question whether I actually said it out loud. Finally my mother speaks, her voice is confused but she also sounds happy.

"Well, you two always did move at lightening speed. Oh Christian, Ana, I'm so very happy for you."

She's legitimately sounds happy and I'm so shocked. She gets up and hugs both of us while both Ana and I just sit there unable to move at all. When she sits back down next to my father she says,

"I know you've only just got back together, and please forgive me if this is out of turn, but I hope you are working through some of your old issues with Dr. Flynn, or someone. I know you both will want it to last, more then ever this time, especially since there is a child involved."

I'm so baffled I can't even form the words and when I look at Ana I see that she is too. That's it, just ok good, you have a child. That's not what I was expecting **at all**.

Ana recovers first and says, "Grace, forgive our surprise. I think we were just expecting you to be angry."

My mom looks confused when she says,

"Angry? Ana why on earth would I be angry? I would love another grandchild, and yes you and Christian have moved fast, but you always did. You're adults, and you're financially able to care for a child, and we've always known that you two loved each other, even when you couldn't make it work last time."

I start to relax, maybe this won't be nearly as bad as I thought, when she adds,

"So Ana, when are you due?"

**Oh Fuck. Shit. Fuck**.

My father speaks then, and with one look at his face I can tell that he didn't misunderstand. He's trying to remain calm, when he says,

"Gracie, he didn't say they were having a child, he said they **had one**."

He takes her drink out of her hand and sets in on the side table, probably nervous that she'll drop it when all this sinks in. He sets his own drink next to hers and stands up, beginning to pace.

When my mother speaks, her voice is shaky and she sounds a bit incredulous.

"Carry, what on earth are you talking about? They can't **have** a child, Christian said they've only been seeing each other a few weeks."

My father ignores my mother's question. Not out of malice, I think he just can't bare to tell her. She's probably the smartest person in the room, she'll realize it soon enough, she just can't fathom the truth.

"How old is the child Christian?"

The tone of his voice immediately brings me back to my teenage years. I suddenly feel like I'm back in his office, being reprimanded for fighting at school.

"Dad, please sit down. There's a lot to tell you."

I try to summon the voice I use at work but I can't. Christian Grey, CEO is not sitting in his parent's living room. This person is that fifteen-year-old kid that always fucked up and was never good enough for this family.

My father doesn't sit, he only says,

"**How. Old. Christian**?"

Ana answers and I've never been so glad to have her by my side. She's clearly nervous but her voice is strong and I'm so proud of her.

"His Name is Noah, he's two and a half years old."

I look at my mother as Ana finishes and I see the understanding set it. Her hand flies to her face and tears immediately begin to fall.

"My God Christian, you kept a child from us? How could you do that? **Why** would you do that? Is that why you've been so aloof and angry since the divorce? We all thought it was just that you were heartbroken over your marriage not working and this **entire time** you've had a **child** none of us knew about. I don't understand. We're you're family, we've loved and supported you through **everything** and you keep a child from us. **Why!**"

When she first started talking, my mother sounded inconsolable, and she still does but the longer she speaks, the angrier she gets. By the end she's furious.

I try to speak but nothing comes out as I feel the tears build up and burn in my eyes. Ana saves me again, and answers before I am able. Her voice is much stronger then I expected when she says,

"I was my fault. I knew that I was pregnant before I left Seattle and I had to go to the hospital with some issues during the pregnancy. When Christian came to the hospital I led him to believe that I had lost the baby, we hadn't."

She's trying to take all the blame, I'm not even surprised, it's Ana of course she is. I know she's trying to save me from their anger but I can't let her do it. The whole truth needs to come out.

I didn't think my mother could look any worse but when she looks at Ana, I see her heart actually break. My mother so rarely yells that I can't remember the last time she did, but she's shouting at Ana when she says.

"I know you had a lot of problems at the end of your marriage, and I know many of them were Christian's fault, I **know** that, but how could you **lie** to someone you loved. Ana, how could you?"

My father had gone to pour himself a stronger drink that he drops and it smashed all over the floor as Ana tells them that she hid Noah.

He's shaking as he walks toward us, and when he speaks it's clear he's trying very hard not to scream, but he is screaming.

"What the hell kind of person does that. What the fuck is this Christian? How could you forgive that? How could you bring her **here**?"

Ana's sobbing now, head in hands sobbing and so is my mother.

That's it. **NO, fuck this** they're not blaming Ana for this.

I can't take this shit, I stand up and start running my hands roughly through my hair. I need to take control of this shit.

"**Enough!**" I found the CEO, and I've never been happier to have him back.

"Ana is trying to **protect me**. You will not speak to her like that again! Yes, I thought that Ana had lost the baby, _for about a month_ in the beginning of her pregnancy."

When I say the last part it comes out almost sarcastic. I've barely held it together until that point, but when I continue, I lose it.

"After that, **I knew and did nothing. **For three years, **I. Did. Nothing**. I didn't tell Ana that I knew, I didn't meet my son, I didn't step-up and become a father. I lied to everyone! I abandoned my child, just like my fucking birth mother did to me. If you want to be angry with someone, fucking be angry with **me**. Ana has loved and cared for your grandchild his entire life. Ana** told her father**. It was not Ana's responsibly to tell you about him. **It. Was. Mine**."

I've never screamed at my parents as an adult but it feels good to get it all out. I've been lying and holding it in, feeling guilty about everything for so long that I didn't remember what it felt like to be truthful. I didn't remember that sense of self you get when you're finally honest about who you are. It feels amazing.

Ana's still sobbing on the couch when reach down and pull her up and into my arms holding her as close as I can.

"I'm so sorry baby," I murmur. "I should have stopped this long before it got to this point."

My father has made his way back to the couch and is sitting with my mother, holding her while she cries.

We've had enough for one day, it's time to go.

"Ana, baby, let's go home and see Noah. We've been honest enough for one day."

She immediately starts shaking her head no and then gently pulls away from me. She wipes he eyes and takes a deep breath saying,

"No Christian, we need to stay and finish this. They deserve to have their questions answered, and if we leave now it'll still be hanging over us."

She sits down and pulls me to sit next to her as we wait for my parent to speak.

My mom has stopped crying but my father is still holding her when she says,

"Is Christian telling the truth Ana?"

Ana laces our fingers together as says quietly.

"I guess we both are, and we're both at fault. I did make it seem like I had lost the baby, but Christian found out soon after that I hadn't. I didn't know that he knew about Noah until the beginning of April. Noah and I ran into him in Charleston and everything came out then. He's been coming to Charleston on the weekends for the past two months so he and Noah could get to know one another."

"Christian," my mother says, "how could you abandon your child like that, how could you abandon Ana? That's not the kind of man I thought you were."

She doesn't sound as angry now, she sounds disappointed, embarrassed of me.

I take a deep breath and say,

"There's no easy answer to that. What I did was wrong, so wrong. I can only tell you that at the time I thought that because Ana didn't tell me about him that she didn't want me in his life. I got very angry and was tremendously hurt. I honestly thought that I wasn't capable of being a parent and that the best thing I cold do for them was to leave them be."

My father speaks up then, and his voice sounds hollow, like there's nothing left in him.

"What changed in April then, why did you decide to go to Charleston?"

I look at Ana, and then back at my parents. This part is even new to me. I didn't figure this out until recently.

"At the time I told myself it was a coincidence that I had business in Charleston but the truth is, I think I was finally ready to see them. I had been working with Flynn, trying to get some of my control issues under control and also talking to Ray. Ray's been trying to make me see for years that I could be a father."

I stop of a second and squeezing Ana's hand, trying to calm myself down.

"About two months before I went to Charleston, Flynn said that he was proud of the progress that I had made. He said he thought that I had done a tremendous job getting myself together and that I should consider talking to Ana. He never brought it up again but I think it was those words that made me begin to look for companies in Charleston."

My parents look drained. My father says nothing but my mother speaks and she is still clearly still angry.

"None of that explains why you didn't tell us. In the beginning maybe I can see it, but why not tell us when you finally met him."

Ana replies saying,

"I didn't want Christian to tell you alone. We both did this and I though we should tell you together but I wasn't ready to come back to Seattle. I wanted Christian and Noah to get to know each other before we introduced him to anyone else."

Grace doesn't reply, she just shakes her head.

"I'm sorry," I say to my parents, "we both are. We know we have made so many mistakes."

We're all quiet for a long while and then my dad speaks.

"It's going to take us a lot of time to deal with this Christian. You can't expect to come here and drop this information on us and then apologize and assume everything is forgiven. I don't, **we don't, **understand any of the decision you've made regarding this. What kind of man abandons his family like that. We didn't raise you to be that kind of man."

I want to laugh but, thankfully, I don't. It's exactly what I used to say to myself.

"You're right dad, you didn't. We know that this will take a long time to move past."

I can tell Ana wants to defend me but I shake my head at her. We've been through enough drama for one day. Instead she says,

"I know it's going to take you a lot of time to forgive us but Noah's here, in Seattle, and we though maybe…would you like to meet him? I understand that you're very angry with both of us, and rightly so, but would you like to come to Escala tomorrow and meet him?"

She sounds hopeful, and scared to death.


	16. Shared Grace - Part II

I don't know why this took me so long to write. It seems that my writing goes in spurts, one week it's easy and the next week, not so much. I got some really amazing reviews for the last chapter. Thank you so much guys. I worried, but most of you felt that Grace and Carrick's reactions were warranted.

Keep reviewing, every time I get a review it makes me think about how I need to get the next chapter finished for you guys.

Thanks for reading!

**Chapter 16 – Shared Grace Part II**

She's doesn't say anything for a few minutes and I am irrationally fearful that she'll say she doesn't want to know him. I don't want Noah to pay for my mistakes and I'll never forgive myself if I've ruined this for him.

For the first time since we told her about Noah, my mother sounds like herself, soothing and supportive when she says,

"Oh Ana, of course we want to meet him. None of this is his fault, and no matter how angry we are with the two you, I wouldn't miss meeting him for the world."

I see Ana relax just as I feel a weight lift. Part of me knew that my mother would want to know Noah, no matter what, but there is still that lingering fear that I'm not good enough for these people, for this family.

Ana stands, as does my mom and they gently embrace one another. When they do, I can see both of them tearing up again.

"Thank you Grace. I can't tell you how much it means, to both of us. He's going to love both of you."

As they pull apart, I step up behind Ana, letting her lean back into me. Now it really **is** time to go.

"Ana, Christian," my mother says, "I know you said we could meet him tomorrow, but I'd really like to do it today."

She sounds both hopeful and firm, and I don't know how to tell her no without hurting her even further. Ana's exhausted and frankly, so am I. We've been through too much already today and it's not even fucking noon. We need to go home and just be with each other, with Noah.

"Mom," I start but Ana reaches back and squeezes my hand, stopping me from going any further. When I look down at her, she purses her lips and very slightly shakes her head. I don't know how she knew from one word that I was going to say no, but apparently she did.

We stand there staring at one other in a battle of wills for the next few seconds. We're not speaking, but we're both communicating exactly what we want and the longer we do it, the more pissed off I'm getting. Ana is fighting me on this for no reason, I need a break and I know god damn well that she does too.

When it becomes clear that Ana's not going to give in I continue.

"Mom, it's been a long day, I think we need a break for a while before you guys come to meet him."

She looks heartbroken as I say it and if it's possible, I feel like an even bigger asshole. Ana steps in then, I should have known it wouldn't be that easy.

"Christian, maybe there's a compromise here. It's only 11:30, let's go home and spend some time with Noah, then later your parents can join us for dinner. That would give us some time by ourselves, and they'd still get to meet him today."

I'm on the verge of losing it and I know she can tell. This has all been too much and for once in her life, I just want her to let me have what I want without a fucking argument. Is that too much to ask? I'm about to just say no and be done with it when I look at both my parents.

My dad is standing behind my mom with his hand around her waist, much like I was with Ana, and when I look at him he looks hopeful, excited. With everything we've put them through, there's no way I can say no when they look like that.

I run my hands over my face and let out a breath, grunting and saying,

"Fine, I see there's no way I'm going to win this one. Come over at 6 and we can all have dinner."

The joy on my mother's face when I acquiesce **almost** makes my anger disappear. She launches herself at me and then thinks better of it at the last second. It wasn't just Ana couldn't touch me when our marriage ended. After Ana left, no one touched me.

I step in and hug her very lightly. I haven't has as much practice with my parents as I have with Ana, so it's still not the easiest thing for me to do, but it so much easier then it was before. After today, I probably need the hug as much as she does.

When she steps back out of my embrace she says, "Thank you Christian. I know you both need some time, and you would rather do it tomorrow. I would normally never overstep and force the issue, but I honestly can't wait another day to meet him."

She's so happy when she says it she's practically vibrating and I can't help but smile at her when I say,

"I understand more then you know. Ana made me wait a day to meet him and it was the longest 19 hours of my life."

I see Ana smile at that, probably amused that I calculated the number of hours I had to wait. It was one of the things that helped me that night, knowing exactly how long I had to wait.

We head to the door and say a strained goodbye to my folks. My father simply nods at me, he doesn't attempt to shake my hand as he normally would and even though I understand his feelings, it still hurts. Worse, it makes my anger resurface that they're coming for dinner tonight. I don't want to spend my night like I've spent my morning.

Ana and I don't speak for the first few minutes we're in the car and we probably should have kept it that way, at least until we both had time to deal with everything that happened. I am pissed that Ana had to push it and my parents are coming for dinner and the longer we're quiet, the thicker the tension gets.

"You can't seriously be angry at me for agreeing to let **your** parents come to dinner?" Ana asks after a few minutes.

She sounds aggravated and that just pisses me off further. Somewhere in the back of my head I know I'm not actually angry at Ana but in that moment it feels like I am.

"If you **know** why I'm pissed, why the hell are you asking?"

I know I'm being an asshole but in that moment, I could give a fuck.

"I'm asking," Ana starts and she sounds both sarcastic and irritated, "because I am hoping that I'm wrong. That there was no way that **you'd** be angry at **me** for telling **your parents** they could come meet our son."

"What the fuck Ana, you didn't even let **me** meet him the first day. Is it too much to ask that this one time you could just give in without a fucking fight? **Just once** was to much to ask?"

I'm yelling by the end, and I abruptly pull off the road and come to a screeching halt.

"What the hell Christian? Was that necessary, are you trying to kill us?"

Ana's not yelling but she's clearly pissed.

"I was trying not to get us killed actually. Thinking that it might be smart to not have this God damned argument and drive at the same time!"

"Fine," Ana screams, "You want to argue, let's fucking argue."

Something about Ana being willing to fight we me makes me no longer want to, and suddenly all the flight goes out of me. I close my eyes and slump back against the seat, my head bouncing against the headrest. I don't look at her when I begin to speak.

"Fuck Ana, I'm sorry." I'm not even really angry with you. I just…the whole thing was such a fucking disaster and I just need a break. I needed to control something."

She reaches over to rub my arm as she talks, and I finally open my eyes to look at her. The fight seems to have gone out of her just as quickly as it did me.

"I know you did, and I wanted to give it to you. I thought about it, but Christian we couldn't ask her to wait. I know I asked you to wait, but that was different. It was your choice to stay away from Noah."

I take her hand and lean into her saying,

"I shouldn't have said that about making me wait with Noah, I'm sorry. I know it was different."

"It's fine Christian, we're probably going to fight a lot more then we'd like while we're here. Facing all this is going to suck, and it's normal to take the stress out on the person you're closest with."

I can't help but smile when she says that, the sliver lining I guess.

"It's probably a little sick, but that makes me happy."

I expect her to be confused but she just smiles back at me.

"It's not sick. You're happy that we're getting close enough to be able to fight without you worrying that it'll ruin us. A part of me was happy when you were getting pissed at me at your parent's house."

Now I'm the one that's confused and I'm sure my face shows it.

"Come again?"

"We were having a fight without speaking and it's been a long time since I've been close enough with some one to be able to do that. I didn't realize how much I missed it until it happened."

I kiss her gently before I pull back on the road and say,

"My God, Flynn is going to have a field day with this…"

**XX**

The rest of the drive is uneventful. Ana and I talk about what to do for dinner, and wonder how Noah's been for Gail. Like almost everyone that meets her, Noah instantly loved Gail. He's never had a Grandmother, and although Gail is almost to young for the role, her personality was made for it.

Ana was worried when we left him because he's only ever stayed with Isaac or Ray, but Noah didn't seem to know he should be upset. He was finger painting with Gail and Taylor and was in his glory.

Taylor was smirking the entire time and I know it's because that asshole knew I was about to have a heart attack. They were finger paining on my while marble countertops and they had Noah sitting on the counter to do it.

I was concerned that he could easily fall off, that it was too dangerous, but Taylor just looked at me, clearly a bit annoyed when he said,

"You **really** think I'd let him fall?"

Ana thanked them and gently pulled gently pulled me toward the elevator. I didn't even get a chance to tell them to be careful not to let that damn paint drip on the wood floors.

As we park and head to the elevator, exhaustion set in. I don't understand how it's barely noon. I swear to God it has to be midnight. When we get into the elevator, I pull Ana into me and burry my face in her neck. I wish I could disappear into her right now.

"Do you think Gail and Taylor would notice if we left Noah with them a bit longer and slipped into my room for a while?"

I'm talking into her neck and as she replies, she slips her hands underneath my blazer and begins to run her nails up and down my back.

"I think they might, but I'll make you a deal. If we survive this dinner with your folks, I'll make up for not letting you get your way earlier by doing whatever you want."

I smirk against her neck and then gently kiss it and pull back so I can look at her. Raising an eyebrow at her I say,

"That doesn't sound very much like taking it slowly Ms. Steel."

The elevator stops before she gets to answer, and she whispers while she begins to walk out,

"We can still take everything else slowly Mr. Grey."

"You're killing me Ana." I whine as she walks away.

She turns around and smirks back at me saying,

"I wanted you to have something good to think about for the rest of the day."

She turns back around and heads into the great room as she says it and I want to grab her and give her something else to think about but I don't get the chance. Noah comes flying around the corner yelling and I notice he has something white all over his face.

"Mama, Cristin I making cookies with Mrs. Tanker! We paid with toys and I rided on Mr. Tanker when he was daddy's pane."

His arms are out as he runs past Ana so I bend down to pick him up and walk back towards Ana.

"I'm glad you had fun with Mr. and Mrs. Taylor buddy." I say as I kiss his forehead. As we get closer to Ana she laughs and says,

"I can tell that you were making cooking with Mrs. Taylor. Did you get any of the flour into the cookies or is all on you?"

As we walk into the Kitchen, we find Gail heading out toward us, presumably to make sure we got Noah.

The kitchen smells amazing and I see warm triple chocolate cookies cooling on the counter so I go and grab one, splitting it with Noah.

"I see he's had a terrible time Gail," Ana jokes. "I hope he was good for you."

"He was wonderful Ana, but I did see a bit of that Grey temper your were talking about last night."

They both laugh but I'm not sure what's so funny about that.

Ana was so nervous when Gail and Taylor came over last night to let Noah get to know Gail, but it only lasted two seconds after Gail got here. She was so happy to see Ana, and happy that Ana and Noah were here that Ana immediately seemed to relax.

I knew it would be fine. Gail missed Ana and, much like everyone else, I'm sure she missed the person that I was when Ana was around. She's known about Noah since the beginning, I assume Taylor told her, but we only had one conversation about it.

She said almost exactly what Ray did and if I hadn't known better, I would have assumed they had spoken. She said she disagreed with my choice, and that I was wrong to leave child without a father, but that she was confident I would come to see that in time. She walked away before I could reply and I was to shocked to summon her back.

Ana brings me out of my thoughts when I hear her say,

"Christian, why don't you go workout. Noah will be going down for a N. A. P. soon and all I'm going to be doing is prepping dinner."

She brought this up in the car too, my need to get some stress out with a workout. I'm irritated that she won't let this go and you can hear it when I say,

"Ana, I'm not leaving you to deal with Noah and make dinner when my parents are coming over. I know I've been an asshole today, but even I'm not that selfish."

I see Gail's eye widen a bit in surprise, and I can't help it when I say,

"I'm well aware that I usually am that selfish, probably worse."

She doesn't reply but I see her try to suppress a grin as she bites her lip.

I still have Noah in my arms and he now has chocolate all over his face and my shirt. Ana walks to the sink to get a wet paper towel and then comes over to clean him up.

"First, you're not leaving me to deal with Noah, he'll be asleep most of the time. Second, I'm looking forward to having a drink, turning on some music, and making dinner, it's relaxing. Third, you need to get some stress out it'll be better for everyone if you do."

The last things sounds like a backhanded suggestion and I'm about to say so when Gail speaks up.

"I'd be happy to help Ana with dinner Mr. Grey, and Jason could probably use a work out as well. Why don't you take him with you."

Ana sounds overjoyed when she says, "That's a great idea Gail. Are you sure you don't mind?"

They go back and forth for a few minutes and I seriously can't take much more. I suspect that was Ana's intention all along but fuck it, it worked. I lean in and kiss her as I hand Noah to her and say,

"Apparently I'm not necessary to make my own decisions anymore. I'm going to get Taylor, I'll see you later."

I kiss Noah on the head, rumpling his hair, and tell him that I'm just going into the other room and I'll be back soon. Thankfully, he's distracted as he helps Gail finish the cookies and I head out to change and get Taylor.

Ironically, the rest of the day passes much to quickly and it's 6pm before I know it. Ana and Gail have prepared a perfect looking meal of polenta and braised short ribs and we're going to have the cookies Noah helped with for desert.

Ana and I tried to explain that my parents were coming for dinner, but Noah just got confused and sad when he realized it wasn't Ray that was coming. Ana keeps telling me that it will fine, that's he'll be happy to have more grandparents, l just hope it happens quickly.

When security calls to let us know that my parents are on their way up I can feel my heart rate double and I start to wonder if this was how Ana felt when I buzzed her apartment the day I met Noah.

Ana leans up and fully kisses me, putting so much feeling into it that I actually forget where we are for a second, and what we're about to do.

When she pulls back, she looks annoying unaffected and says happily,

"Noah, daddy's parents are here. Can you race daddy to the door to say hello to them?"

He's been coloring in the kitchen, at the mini version of the dining table I had made, while Ana finishes with dinner and I pace.

At Ana's encouragement, Noah pops up and starts running toward the foyer as he yells,

"Mon daddy, mon! I racing you."

I "run" slowly behind him. Getting close and reaching for him as he squeals and then letting him just escape my reach. As we get to the entryway, I reach down and lift him up saying,

"You won buddy, but I still got you."

He's cheering and laughing saying, "Yay! I winned."

I don't notice my parents were standing there until I fully straighten up with Noah in my arms. When I look at them I can tell they've probably seen the whole thing.

I freeze for a second, surprised that they're already here and unsure what to do. Thankfully, Noah squirms a bit and that brings me to my sense quickly.

"Noah," I say, "this is my mom and dad. They're so happy to meet you. Can you say hello?"

I see my mom has a present, and my dad has the customary bottle of wine. Noah was laughing, but when he notices new people in the room he immediately hides his head in my neck.

I hug him a bit and then whisper happily, "Say hello buddy. They're really nice; you'll like them I promise. Plus, I see Grandma Grace has a present. Do you think it's for me or you?"

That works and his head pops up so I turn him towards my parents a bit. My mom has tears in her eyes when she steps closer to us and says,

"Hello Noah. I'm your Grandmother and this is your Grandfather, but we'll have to figure out something a bit easier for you to call us for now. Your dad's right, we're so happy to meet you, and this present is for you."

My father has stepped up behind my mother, and they are both starring at him.

"He looks just like you did as a child Christian, it's uncanny." My father says, and I'm surprised at how much emotion I can hear in is voice when he says it.

Ana appears beside me and I didn't even realize she had followed us out of the kitchen.

"It's amazing isn't it? It's like I had nothing to do with his conception at all. He's all Christian, right down to the attitude."

She links her arm through mine and rests her head against my bicep as she says it.

"Hey now, no need for that." I say adding, "Noah, mama's being mean to us."

Noah gets animated at that, he loves to tell people when they're doing something wrong. I can't figure out if that come from Ana or me, probably a bit of both.

"No mama, you not be mean to daddy. That not nice, you need say you sorry."

The whole room laughs then and the tension breaks as Ana apologizes and I high-five Noah.

As everyone else heads to the great room, I take the wine from my father and go to the kitchen to get drinks. By the time I head back into the great room, Noah has opened his present and runs to show it to me as soon as I enter.

"Daddy, I gotted a big big truck from you mom and dad."

I hand everyone a drink, and as I do I say,

"That's great buddy. Did you tell Grandma and Grandpa thank you?"

I see Ana shake her had yes as Noah answers.

"I did." He's shaking his head and he looks very proud of himself and I'm instantly proud too.

As I sit down next to Ana, I see my dad get on the floor with Noah and his new truck. I'm shocked; my father is not the type of man to be on the floor playing, ever.

"Noah," my dad says. "can I show you something about your new truck?"

Noah eagerly shakes his head and rolls his new truck over to my dad. Much to my horror, my dad shows Noah that he can ride on his new truck if he leans over it on his tummy and scoots with his legs. Noah is trilled; I'm not.

"Dad, what the hell? You would never have let us do that when we were kids!"

My dad smirks up at me, all the while helping Noah lean to scoot on his new toy and says,

"I'm not the parent. My only job is to love him, and make sure he grows up happy so that he can experience all the fun things in life. All the rest of it is on you."

With that he turns back to Noah and they continue their lesson in how to knock out your front teeth before the age of three. What the hell just happened?

We all watch them quietly for a few minutes and then my mom speaks up. Her voice is thick with emotion as she says,

"You were amazing with him Christian. We were off the elevator before you even came into the room. We saw the whole thing and it was lovely to see. I always knew you'd make an amazing father, no matter what you thought, but you were even better then I imagined."

I try to speak, but all I get out is a tightlipped smile and a gravely, "Thank You."

Ana takes over where I cannot and she has my mom move to her other side on the couch.

"They love each other so much Grace. It's amazing and he's such a good father, a natural, firm and loving. I think he has you guys to thank for that."

I see my mom gently pat Ana's hand in a thank you gesture and then Ana grabs Noah's Ipad from the coffee table. She's flipping through photos of Noah through the years, and soon she comes to a bunch of Noah and I that I didn't even know existed.

One is of Noah and I curled together asleep in his bed I Charleston. I grab the Ipad from Ana as I say,

"What the hell. When did you take these?"

She sounds a bit annoyed when she says, "I took then the night before we came here." Then she turns to Grace and add, "Can you help me come up with some sort of swearing deterrent for him? If he doesn't do something soon, Noah's going to get kicked out of preschool before he starts."

She smiling at the end, but I can tell pat of her is serious.

Thankfully Noah interrupts us, wheeling his new truck over to me to show us what he can do.

"That's great buddy, and I'm glad you love your new toys, but you need to be careful with it okay. No scooting toward the coffee table, or the fireplace. Do you understand?|

I'm careful to sound serious and to make sure he's listening so I pick him up off the toy to talk to him.

Noah shakes his head that he understands, and when I look over at my father, he smirking at me, but he also looks just a little bit proud.

I set Noah back down and say, "Okay bud, I think it's time for dinner. Can you help Grandma Grace off the couch and walk with her into the dining room?"

I watch as Noah walks over to my mom and grabs her hand, pulling and struggling with all his might as he "helps" her up. She's trying very hard not to smile as she thanks him for the help, and then he takes her hand and leads her into the dining room, with my dad following close behind.

**XX**

**One other note, I outlined the rest of the story this week. I think we have around 5-8 chapters left. I'm thinking about a sequel but we'll have to see if there's potential for it as we get closer to the end. **


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